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So I found an overnight caregiver I love!! I cook for my mother, send all the food with her, and she eats stuff the caregiver makes that she shouldn’t. Last week she got so impacted and I had to go over there and disimpact her. I told my mother it’s not fair that she eats things she shouldn’t and I have to deal with the repercussions of her bad decisions. She is eating things that increase her cholesterol and blood sugar after I have gotten her down on her meds and her labs are great! What do I do?

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I rue the day my daughter decides I cannot eat what I want. Constipation happens in the elderly. If they have a lot of fiber and stool softeners as needed they should be fine. I think that managing the dietary intake of an elder when there is no special reason (diabetes, dysphagia) is cruel.
I as a nurse was forced to see poor 90 year olds on a cholesterol free diet, many of them in dying stages, prevented from having the one things they wanted (say a milkshake) by dietary restrictions. At some point these are cruel actions when you consider what is taken from us one things at a time. Our balance, our mobility, our independent, our continence, eventually our choices, our memories and all we are and ever were.
Please try to lighten up where you can. A bit of cholesterol in diet is not going to be what kills. It will be age and disease.
I wish you the best, and your Mom a good taco bell meal with a side of Burger King. Pizza for dessert.
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CatyRay Jun 2022
Agree. See my post.
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That would be an easy one for me. I would tell mom if she continues to eat the things that cause her to become impacted, I would not deal with it again. Add that job to the caregiver's duties and watch how fast it changes.
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boehmec Jun 2022
I’d also tell the caregiver she has to deal with it…
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Hi again! It's Brad from Goldstar! (I'm the good-looking guy who manages a boutique home healthcare agency in Boca Raton, FL).

There is lots of good advice, but when I read the question, I saw, "What do I do about a caregiver who is feeding my mother crap?"

If your mom was on a low-sodium diet and your Caregiver was feeding her Ramen Cup of Noodles that have 300% of the US RDA of sodium, you would go berzerk! Why aren't going berserk now???

This problem can be solved in three easy steps:
1) Fire the caregiver and hire a new one.
2) Remove all the crappy food from the house.
3) Make sure the new Caregiver understands your mom's dietary restrictions and the guidelines you have set up for mom's nutrition and/or snack time/crap time.

We live in a society where FOOD = LOVE. Seems to me that your caregiver is buying off your mom (and you also) with food she should not be eating. You've been duped!!!

In reality, in our society FOOD = SICKNESS. Our high calorie, high carb, high sugar, high salt, high fat, highly processed food is killing us! I acknowledge you for the love, compassion, and TIME you devote to your mom's health. Quit paying someone to sabotage your hard work!

That's the end of that answer, but I'm guessing there is an underlying issue that needs to be addressed in order to end the vicious circle and provide peace of mind going forward...

What is it that has you reaching out for advice rather than telling the caregiver to stop it? Obviously, you are a smart woman with good communication skills, so I doubt that's it...

I deal with this a lot... "don't rock the boat", don't stir the pot", and "it's not that bad", we can put up with X because she does Y", are things I hear from clients and their children from time to time. A good caregiver will take coaching and correction for what it is - part of the job.

When you tell the Caregiver you love her and are so pleased she's there, but you don't say you love her and you are so pleased she's there BUT stop the chocolate chip cookies, you are doing your mom a huge disservice, you are reinforcing the negative behavior in the caregiver, and leaving yourself powerless and frustrated. Knock it off!!!

In reality, you don't need to fire your Caregiver, you just need to give her new directions and followup to make sure she's in compliance.

It's an easy conversation - go have it with her!

~BRAD
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Give explicit instructions to this caregiver about what you want your mother to eat, and not eat, and tell her not to allow anything else to pass thru the woman's lips BUT what you cook. I'd stop worrying about cholesterol and relax these diet restrictions a bit so you're not cooking so much, but that's me. I also wouldn't stand for "disimpacting" anyone's bowels, but again, that's me. If you like this caregiver, just make sure she understands your rules and things should be ok. Hopefully.

Good luck!
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Too bad this wonderful caregiver is not feeding your mom the good food you send but feeding her garbage instead. She needs to not ASK you mom what she wants but prepare what you've provided and say DINNER TIME.

You do NOT have to deal with the repercussions. Next time, take her to the ER and maybe that horrible experience will get through to her. If she has dementia, it won't matter but it would still be better than YOU personally taking care of it. No thanks.

How old is your mom?
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I read your previous posts. I'm so glad that you hired an overnight caregiver -- I hope that YOU are not paying for this?

Back on 04/02/22, you wrote this: "It’s time for me to empower myself and be done. I have spent years in counseling. My counselor told me not to have my mother come live with me because of the sick family dynamics and how emotionally sick it had made me. I have to realize I will never get any support from my siblings, and I have to take care of myself. Giving up my life to care for my mother who doesn’t listen just isn’t an option for me. Why should I when she lies, disrespects me and does what she wants anyway… done."

What's changed since 04/02? Is hiring an overnight caregiver (possibly with YOUR funds?) all that you are going to do?

You are in your mid-50's with MS. You have 2 siblings who don't contribute in any way. You were annoyed because your mother wouldn't even ask them to help out.

Now of course no one can make your sibling help out. They have chosen to remain uninvolved. The real question is why don't you do the same? Did your mother groom you to be her caregiving slave someday?

If you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will.
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I am a solo caregiver for my mom and we have had really good discussions about quality of life for many years. Really, these discussions go back to when she cared for her parents. I remember the joy my mom put into making my grandmother's favorite dessert, Lemon Meringue Pie, when monitoring her diabetes no longer mattered because she had been diagnosed with colon cancer and everything was about quality of her life, not quantity.

While you don't address larger issues of your mom's age, physical or cognitive status, or any specific health conditions, your mom does need overnight supervision, and I am presuming 24 hour supervision. She is either making the choice to eat unhealthy food which indicates she has full cognitive function and it is her choice, or she doesn't have full faculties in which case fussing at her for eating something she enjoys is ineffective. Whatever her cognitive status, her health is in decline and her quality of life is going down, too. It is time to create a clear plan for what quality of life your mom wants to have.

If you aren't already, I encourage you to work with a gerontologist or geriatric nurse practitioner, who can help guide you on managing her constipation with fluids, fiber, and movement. Address how to enhance your mom's quality of life, and let them help you focus on the immediate needs that impact your mom's overall health and well-being.

It also strikes me that you could benefit from a therapist to help you build skills to live in the moment with your mom, and enjoy your life together. It can be easy for caregivers to focus on the areas they can control (for you that might be making those meals and monitoring that blood work) to avoid being in the present moment. If not now, at some point in the future, you will need to let go - that is the sad truth of our job. Being ready physically and emotionally to do that needs support and you might find it helpful to engage that support now.

As a caregiver, you clearly love your mom and are working hard to take care of her. I just encourage you to go down a path of understanding what the most essential elements of that care is, and maybe allow yourself some joy in the food your mom is eating with the overnight staff. This may likely be the point in her life where those happy, if unhealthy, meals are meaningful to nourishing her spirit when the diet isn't as important to her body.
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I prepare my mom’s meals and leave them labeled in the refrigerator. That way, caregivers don’t have to cook or prepare dishes for her. But I also allow some forbidden food items every once in a while. When done in moderation, it’s ok. Her caregivers are aware of her diabetes. If her blood sugar gets extremely high, her behavior gets awful. And that scares the caregivers, so they are very careful about her meals.
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All depends on her life expectancy. If she is very old, a "a healthy diet" that prevents a premature death, might be already obsolete, because her death won't be premature anymore. Then, why worry? To avoid fecal impaction, she needs to drink plenty of water, eat foods with lots of fiber or use fiber supplements, plus some physical exercise. Perhaps she could use stool softeners too. "Great labs" not always correlate with good quality of life of an old person.
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Next time, decline to disimpact her. If she has to pay a nurse to do it perhaps the repercussions will come home to her.

As to what the caregiver is feeding her: who decides what your mother eats? If it's your mother, don't blame the caregiver.
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