I have been mother's caregiver for over 10 years, but she is leaving everything she has to a grandson. Is this fair?

Let's give an honest answer here. Why that ungrateful woman! I don't know the story behind it, but giving her 10 years and getting such disrespect is terrible. At her age, her grandson wouldn't be a child anymore. Is he special needs? Or is she trying to impress him? What could she be thinking?

It's amazing how many elderly parents seem to think that care is provided out of love and devotion and that no compensation should be necessary, even if the parent can afford to pay it. My own mother has said that if she had money to leave behind, she would leave it to all of her children equally to show that she loves them all the same. I personally think that's crap, and I will make sure that every cent she has is spent for her care and needs while she's still alive. One of my sisters have not even visited in years, but she'd be the first to have her hand out if anything is left when Mom dies.

I paid the down payment on Mom's house, and took the title jointly with her so it becomes mine on her death. My greedy sister may scream, but tough. I'm also the executor of my mother's will, and I plan to take whatever personal property I want before selling the rest upon her death. After giving up all these years of my life for her, I feel entitled to whatever is left when she's gone.

If the inheritance is a concern and you're not in line, perhaps it's time to consider letting the grandson take over. You can resign your proxy authority by giving written notice to your mother.

I wonder though if you and your mother have ever discussed how you feel? Is there some reason she chose the grandson?

This is not a suggestion to raid her funds, but you do know that as proxy you can arrange for in-home care for her, in part to give you a break.

You do know that her "slight dementia" can get worse, especially if she falls and suffers a fracture, or is hospitalized? Changes like that can accelerate loss of mental acuity even if there is no dementia.

mbr944, it is time to let Mom know that you can no longer be her caregiver because she needs more help then you can provide. Being your Mom is 96, chances are you probably are a senior citizen yourself. Tell Mom that you are now having age related decline issues. Of course, Mom may still see you as a "kid" who can do everything.

Give Mom two choices, move to "Independent Living" where the facility has options for extra care, she could have a very nice one or two apartment. Or she can continue to live at home but she would need to hire professional caregivers from an Agency, 2 or 3 shifts per day. The cost of the caregivers could eventually eat through the equity on the house if Mom sells the house. Whatever you do, do not pay for the caregivers or Independent Living from your own savings.

I know it is totally unfair that Mom is leaving everything to her Grandson since you did all the heavy lifting [caring for your Mom], I assume this young man isn't your son. Your Mom does have the right to leave her assets to whomever she wants. Is this already etched in cement via a current Will or Revocable Trust?

If the situation is that you already have more money than you're likely to need, but the grandson is living with financial hardship, then I could see it as fair. But many caregivers make serious financial sacrifices to take care of elders, and quite a few are left destitute when the parent dies. That should never happen, and especially should never happen when the elder has assets to bequeath. If that's the situation, I would say it's unfair bordering on criminal.

Doesn't sound fair to me. Do you live with her?

Maybe grandson should move in to be her caregiver.

Are you being paid to be her caregiver?

She feels you have an obligation to take care of her without any compensation.

And, apparently, so do you feel that. Otherwise, why have you been doing it?

If your mother is on Medicaid then presumably she won't be leaving very much of anything to anyone - as I understand it, the usual practice is that Medicaid will be entitled to recoup much of her estate after she passes away.

So it's not really about the money, is it? Isn't it more about your continuing to hope that your adoptive mother will eventually, in some way, acknowledge your right to expect a loving relationship with her?

Does she know about your fiancé? Is she aware of being an obstacle to your moving ahead with marriage and your future?

JEssebelle is exactly right.

Even though my Mom was clear that my brother was to get nothing...it was so disrespectful I could not honor it after she was gone. AND...he did nothing!

I would have a serious talk with Mom...and if she feels that this is all you deserve...then...hand the reins over to grandson and get on with your life. But, be sure  to tell her exactly why you are leaving, because if you don't, you will always regret saying nothing about it.

10 years ... this is it?

Dear mbr944,

I feel for you. It is hard being the daughter. Are you able to talk to her about changing this with an elder law attorney?

In our culture boys are shown more favoritism even though its the girls that do the work. My grandmother had left everything to her two single sons. Last year my aunt was upset about this and said you have to change it to be shared evenly between the 7 kids otherwise the siblings will break apart over this. It was my aunts that helped my grandmother the most, so I agree with her. My grandmother is still sound mind at 92 and did make this change.

Personally, I would be so resentful that I would say "fine, let your grandson handle your care." But I know its a lot easier said than done.

If you can, have that conversation with your mom. Tell her everything you have told us. Let her know how you feel. Its worth a try. And depending on what she says, maybe make a choice that suits you best.