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Hi, I'm 44 and have been seeing a lovely man since Xmas. My elderly mother doesn't like him. No reason but she says he isn't good enough for me. I had been single for a long time before I met this guy and had a lot of time to spend with her. Now I've met him she says I have no time for her. This isn't true. I speak to her everyday, I see her every Sunday for lunch but now if I have something on and can't make Sunday, she tells me I don't care about my family anymore and am putting this man first. I can't take any more of this as I feel she is trying to control me and I'm 44. I'm happy and fulfilled for the first time in a long time and she doesn't seem to like it. She seems to resent the fact I have a bf. yday she told me she is changing the power of attorney to my younger brother as he would look after her more than me. I was terribly upset about this as when my father died, I did everything for her and him even organising the funeral. It was tough on me but I rose to it and dealt with everything brilliantly. I just feel she is saying this as she doesn't like my partner. I love him and have told her he is going nowhere but she won't include him in family meals, she won't even invite him. And he likes her! I don't know whether to tell my partner what she's said but I am really upset with her. Any advice?

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Looks like to me Mom had u to herself ow she doesn't. Elderly have a hard time with change. Stand by ur guns ur entitled to happiness. Like said, set ur boundries. She may come around or not.
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I was lucky. Even in the throes of dementia, my mother would "surface" long enough to ask about her much-loved son-in-law. But she would often tell people her daughter didn't have time for her and ask them for help. Then she'd tell me what she'd done. This is a major guilt trip that your mom is laying on you. She can only do so if you allow it. Don't feed into it by arguing or explaining things to her. You are old enough to have relationships and friends and entitled to be happy. Keep your romance separate from your relationship with Mom. I agree with letting brother handle POA if he is readily available and willing. It's a giant pain.
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If your brother is capable of acting as POA, if needed, then I would say thank goodness. That's a lot of work, so if he can do it, more power to him.

I'd like to be on good terms with mom if possible though. First, I'd really consider if mom has good instincts about your BF. Sometimes, we may not be the best judge of character. Does she really have issue with his character or is she just jealous that he could take your time from her? If it's the latter, then, I'd try to show her more love and compassion, since she's feeling rejected.

 Why not invite her out to dinner with you and your BF? Have BF bring and present her with a lovely bouquet of flowers and maybe her favorite candy. I'd try to show him to her in the best light possible, as long as that it is true. Also, when you go out to lunch or dinner with them, have him take lots of pictures of you and her together. Have one framed and give to her. I'd try to show that this new man in your life, brings you and she closer, not farther apart. I'd also start calling during the week too.

I hope things work out. Being close to your mom is a special thing. I'd hate to see that disturbed.
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It sounds like your mother would have never thought anyone was good enough for you out of her own selfish interest in having you all to herself. 

She's your mother, not his, so I would not involve him directly in the conflict which it does not sound like you would do anyway. What I mean is don't expect him to fight her for you. You must fight her for you and the both of you. Now is a good time to set healthy boundaries and to stand by them not as a way to change her, but as a way to protect yourself and your relationship with this man.
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I'm sorry to hear this, Clara.

I just wonder: have you perhaps had bruising experiences with men before that have made your mother over-anxious about anyone getting too close to you?

Since your mother doesn't give any reason for her dislike, I wouldn't mention her grumpiness to your boyfriend. Just encourage him to be civil and act normal, as I'm sure he does anyway, and give your mother more time.

It's possible that she just doesn't like change of any sort, lots of us don't, and would much prefer life to carry on as it has done. Well tough! - if this guy suits you and makes you happy, it's up to you who you go out with. But don't try to force the issue, just give her more time to get used to him and do your best to hang on to your sense of humour about it.

As for the POA, I'd call her bluff on that one. Look at it this way. For one thing, my guess is it's likely to be too much trouble for her actually to do anything about an arrangement that is in fact working well. For another, your younger brother may not have been consulted about this idea and may well think it sucks. And for another, supposing she does "award" him the responsibility instead? - would you really mind someone else having to do all the work?

Tell her you're sorry she doesn't like him, but you do, and luckily you're the one who's going out with him.

The Sunday lunch dates could become a flashpoint. Handle them diplomatically. On the one hand, you've been going out with your boyfriend for nine months now, and that is definitely going steady, and it is not unreasonable for you to expect the courtesy of having him invited as your significant other. On the other, "always a little patience." Keep chipping away at it, and if there isn't any progress then perhaps occasionally you won't feel welcome at your mother's home if the invitation doesn't include him too.
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