Mother with Vascular Dementia moved to memory care unit. How do I cope with the guilt?

Did you do what is best for her?
Is she safer now than before?
Even if she was in the same facility as before and she had to move to a different room I think her reaction would be the same. Almost ANY change for a person with dementia will be upsetting, confusing, frightening.
Talk to the doctor about medication for anxiety. This should help with banging on doors and the anxiety that she has due to the move.
You can not help her "understand"
You can tell her that she is safe,
You can tell her that you love her.
You can tell her you will help take care of her.
Hold her hand.
Let her know you are there.
YOU have nothing to feel "guilty" about.
You can feel
sad
afraid
frightened

Did you feel guilty about her being in the facility before memory care?

I know how you feel, but trust me, you've improved her life because now she's safe. Memory care is exactly where she needs to be, because they focus so much more on mental stimulation for their residents than an AL or SNF. There are many more one-on-one connections made by the caregivers, and the residents do so much better there than in AL. Your mom just needs time to settle in.

I remember a lady who moved into my mother's MC and was really distraught, because she was a retired nurse who knew exactly what was going on and where she was. She was so angry she told me, "I could just BOP my daughter for putting me here!" (I had to laugh at her "extreme" language.) She cried for days, but by the end of the second week, she was right in there with the other ladies who weren't too far progressed in their dementia and was happy as a clam. Her daughter had just been so distraught with her mom in AL, and she could see how she was struggling to keep up with the other residents, but practically overnight her mom found her tribe. I hope your mom will, too.

As far as support for yourself, the Alzheimers Association is good as others have mentioned, and also check with the facility itself. They may have support groups, and I certainly found that just getting to know the other daughters during visiting (it was always the daughters there) was helpful.

So sorry this is so hard at this time. I would try to focus on the safety issue to help you feel better about the necessity of mom being in MC. If she's a runner, she's not safe. The only way to keep her safe is to be in lockdown in MC. I'm not surprised she's angry but this can be addressed with a little bit of the right med for her anxiety, etc.

It's hard when we lose our moms. Even when they're right in front of us but they are not the same people we grew up with, not by a long shot. This is unfortunately quite common and we have to come to terms with is as we go a long this ugly path of dementia.

Let us know what actions are taken and how mom is doing.

I’m an only child, and I understand the circumstances that are now so painful in your life.

Memory Care helped to save my present LO’s life. Your mom is most likely very uncomfortable at least partly because her desire to “escape” is now being thwarted.

Ask someone in social services at her facility to recommend a psychiatrist to see your mom and determine if a small amount of a carefully chosen medication might help her to relax and be less anxious. “Our” psychiatrist worked wonders.

For yourself, focus on your love for who your mother is now. You deserve encouragement and support too.

My LO took a while to settle in, then enjoyed a pleasant life at her “hotel” until Covid. Give your mom a chance to adjust too.

My mother spent 5 1/2 wonderful years in a good local SNF. She was LOVED by the staff and she loved them back.

Please take good care of yourself. You are doing your best. No one, including you yourself, should expect any more.

She may need medications for anxiety and/or depression. Ask her doctor.

I’ve found support through the Alzheimer’s Association (they cover all kinds of dementia, not just Alzheimer’s) and even the local community and technical colleges. Our local library has support groups. Local churches often have support groups, too. Some of the local medical groups offer resources. If there is a Senior Center in your area, they can point you in the right direction for support, too.

Thank you Geaton777

Besides this forum (where you will find lots of support, information and resources) you can contact your local area's Agency on Aging, social services for your county or go onto Nextdoor.com and ask your actual neighbors what they recommend.

Please work on viewing your emotions not as guilt, but as grief. You've done nothing wrong in placing her where she is protected, fed and receives the medical care she needs. Americans get a lifetime of romanticized "aging gracefully" or agiing in place, where nothing changes except you get more wrinkled and your hair turns grey. The reality of aging and caregiving is that it is less about "perfect solutions" and more about "least bad options".

May you receive the support you need and peace in your heart.