Mother has own health issues and is primary caregiver for dad with dementia and COPD. -

Mother has own health issues and is primary caregiver for dad with dementia and COPD.


Criticiazes daughters but not bossy son or even in-home. Sibs take turns helping Mom take care of dad and their home. Daughters often get criticsm from Mom about everything from how someone cut the lettuce leaves up or doesn't fold the towels right or buys things for the house or dad etc. Favorite son has also helped out but buys a new microwve when he thinks they need it or has tantrums when sisters do something he doesn't like, such as doing grocery shopping when he had wanted to do it. Mom says he helps her a lot and doens't think anything of his tantrums etc. "We're all different" she says. Recently started supplementing care 3 mornings a week with home aide service to help Dad shower, get dressed and fed, meds etc. Had to convince Mom to have this. Brother does not like this. Mom says " I can do it" but it really is too exhausting for her physically and emotionally. Anyway, One of the caregivers is quite bossy, much like Mom and brother. "You should use dryer sheets and goes on and on why even when Mom days I don't use those.Or I must have paper towels to dry my hands because I can't trust how towels are washed in the homes. This week Mom told me the woman even her while she was watching the Catholic Mass on TV. Mom thought she needed help with Dad or something.important. Then she began talking to my Mom about her religion and tried to give her religious materials to read. Mom said I am not interested and went back to LR. Then the woman started talking to my Dad so Mom turned up the TV loud and later told my dad not to listen to her. Mom told me about this but said she is a hard worker and I want to keep her. So she didn't want to call the agency about it. She said she may talk to the woman when she comes next week.woman when she comes next week. I am shocked first of all that this caregiver is so bold as to attempt to evangelize to people for whom she is working. And I can't get over how MOm picks at every little thing we daughters do for her and dad but broyher and this caregiver are OK when they speak out of turn or trey to tell her what to do. Mom complains that one sister tries to take over(?). I go home exhausted trying to be kind to Mom even when mean to me or critical of little things. But other people who I see as displaying bad behavior, she says it's OK and even likes that they are that way. Any thoughts?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.


I wasn't there when the caregiver did this but my Mom wasn't confused or making it up. She related the whole conversation and I believe her. I have unfortunately witnessed my brother insisting that he's the one who does the lawn and no one else better do it. He HAD been doing the groceries and literally had a tantrum with yelling and callng "you people..." referring to us sisters when one had picked up a few groceries at Mom's request. I am not involved in he said she said here in either case.

We lost the first caregiver after one day. The agency told us she wanted another assignment but would not discuss what her issue had been. They just said, and I agree can happen, wasn't right fit and let's try some other people. New CG 1 is excellent relating to Dad and giving his meds, excellent care as I and sister have seen. Mom complained to me that she had the nerve to sit down for 15 whole minutes. Mom did not like that. I explained that's called a break, Mom. Mom said she liked the other one, the one I now call " the holy one" better because she works constantly.
Helpful Answer (0)

GOGURLZ, my late Mom [98] was very picky about things, too, but that was part of her generation where the majority of women "their job" was to maintain the home, take care of the children and their husband. Thus the daughters should be doing the same thing.... but the son gets a break as it isn't his job. Such as grocery shopping should only be done by the daughters not the son. I can see why your brother is upset, he wants to help.

I never learned to cook because I got frustrated with Mom telling me I was using the wrong bowl or the wrong spoon. I figured this is no fun, so no wonder I still hate to cook. I did learn to fix things around the house as Dad was a great easy going teacher.

As for the Home Aide, maybe it is just not the right fit for your Mom. I know for my Dad, who is easy as they come, we went through a few caregivers until we found a couple caregivers who were a really good fit. He needed someone who he felt comfortable talking with and who had similar life experiences and has a good sense of humor. They have been with him for almost a year :)
Helpful Answer (0)

Did you see this woman do this or are you relying on reports from your mother? Same with your brother, do you see this or does mom tell you? Try not to get caught up in the he said she said routine. Just deal with what you see with your own eyes. Nothing else counts. I have a feeling your mother has always been a controlling person, and criticized much in the past. That behavior does not improve with age; it gets worse.
Helpful Answer (2)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.