Anyone have the person they are caring for start making confessions of things they did; they think may have been wrong?

My mother has done something akin to this but with a totally different spin. Mom has managed to whitewash her lifes history. Mom has convinced herself that she was a perfect daughter, sister, wife and mother. In all these relationships she has done some pretty awful things that now have a different history - it's more than saying it never happened - she has invented a history of completely different behavior. Sometimes it's hard to sit quietly and let her talk about being a person she never was, doing things that never happened as I was there - I know first hand how it really was. But I say nothing - I guess I figure this is something she needs to do to let go and pass in peace.

My dad had cancer and died from it's spreading to several places in his body. He never lost his ability to think clearly or to communicate, unless you count the last day of his life when they say his body was shutting down. The night before he was unable to talk, mom was in the kitchen and I was sitting by dad's bed. It seemed that all of a sudden he had a need to make things right or ask forgiveness...I am not sure how to express it. Anyway, I told him he should be saying some of what he was saying to my mom. So, with us on each side of his bed, holding his hands, he cried and said he hadn't been as good a husband as he should have been and the same substituting father. I remember saying that is he hadn't been good enough for mom and for me, we wouldn't have been sitting there with him, now would we? All three of us were crying and laughing. I do remember, though, that there was an urgency in what he wanted to tell us. I left to go home, so that was the last time I heard him speak It has always made me wonder, especially after reading some of the posts here, if people really do know when their time is near? I am sure this and the need to confess or make things right have been discussed many,many times here, but I still wonder...

Rainmom,

My mother has also rewritten her life's history. A woman whose idea of good parenting was terrorizing her children into submission has suddenly turned into their "mother, father, and best friend." Her 20-something husband is now her godson. I stopped challenging her when I realized that reinventing herself is the only way she can live with her conscience. She lies with such sincere expression that anyone who doesn't know her as well as I do will swear everything happened the way she's telling it. ... A legend in her own mind, lies told a hundred times have become true; and her reality.

Your mom may feel very comfortable with you, and if you are ok, then let her air out. If you or her feel uncomfortable, then talk with a professional. It's ok. My mom had conversations with me when she could talk...We talked, laughed, and let it go.. I think it may be ok to say you miss him too, and see if this helps. Friend's Mom has dementia and makes up stories, and laughs, and has conversations with people not in the room. He'll be back, he is parking the car. I ask her what car? We laugh some more.

My mother typically whitewashes her life into the perfect marriage etc which was absolute garbage - she is was and always has been an ice cold fish and dad had affairs as a result, but he stayed with her supported her and us despite her constant nagging of him that everyone could see was a real issue, everyone except her of course.

Then out of the blue a few months back she was very agitated and you have to know mother and I have NEVER EVER spoken of this before or since nor will we. She told me she knew her cousin had abused me as a child. All water under the bridge she said.

Well it might have been to her but that was the final straw in any meaningful relationship that was ever going to be possible. I look after her now but that's all I do. I don't hate her but I really don't want to be her carer any more and if Social Services give me any more hoops to jump through or obstacles to traverse I might just walk away from it all.

PhoenixDaughter - perhaps our mothers are related. When I was around six years old I was outside playing with a friend - we were playing on the grounds of a church about four houses away from my house. The janitor lured me in and abused me - he only let me go when my mom found out from my playmate where I had gone and she came after me, banging on the church doors. When she got me home she blamed me and attempted to spank me but I locked myself in the bathroom. That day and ever since she has told me it was my own fault for "being stupid enough" to go into the church. Mind you this was fifty years ago when "stranger danger" was not as commonly discussed as it is today. Anyhow - I know what you mean. Freezes a part of your heart, doesn't it?

Clearly they are trying to unload the guilty conscience. I can't bring myself totally to pat them on the back and say, "it's okay, dear. Beating your children up and cheating on your husband instead of dealing with your mental illness was OK." Can't do it!

All I can do is try to figure out how I can live with my own attitude from this and be responsible for my own behavior: a big enough job!!

Yes, my FIL told my husband that he had an affair when my husband was a toddler, which broke up the family for a period of time, my MIL moving to California from Seattle, to live with her Mother and the 3 small kids. My husband never knew that this was the reason, he understood it to be job related, abd he was only about 18 months old at the time, but now wishes he had never know the truth. The family eventually got back together, his Mom forgiving his Dad, I guess, but It does impact how you perceive them, and you even treat differently them from that point on. There was no reason he needed to tell him this, ancient history, and it has changed his feelings for his Dad because of it. Plus, this discussion happened several years ago, after his Mom had passed and long before his dementia started to kick in. It makes you wonder what else he might have done to hurt his Mom in the years before. Sad!

This happened to me once, and came as a complete surprise. I reassured, found ways to answer that went beyond the basic question and provided as much reinforcement as I could. I could tell it was an acceptable answer and the self questioning and introspection had been alleviated.

I would encourage your mother to believe if she raises the issue of facing difficult questions, that the situation was indeed a choice, that she made the right one decisions, and then find a way to reinforce her abilities as a mother. Make her feel good about herself. She's asking or telling you because she values YOUR opinion.

My mother cheated on my father (he was the cold fish) throughout their 30 years. She also was physically abusive, mentally unstable and my childhood was a mess. I left home because of her, but I was already 18. She then had a nervous breakdown and tried to commit suicide! I ended up saving her. Talk about a past...
So now I am the caring daughter (not without my own bag of resentment as can easily be read on this site where I vent) and from time to time my mother brings up things: including what a terrible thing I did...leaving home..!

I have decided to let her whitewash her own past and I let her yak yak. All she wants to do is try to validate herself anyway. She clearly has no interest in me, my past, my feelings, etc. It was ALWAYS about her. And now she is still making stupid, impulsive decisions, and unwilling to look herself in the moral mirror.

I've become numb and uncaring, really. It's about duty for me.
I can't challenge her, change her, or anything like that. She's just another old person trying to make sense of her life without really taking responsibility for any of her actions. I feel sorry for her but man, I've lost a great deal of respect for her.