Mother with dementia; has anyone experienced this denial by siblings of a parents mental and physical state?

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My mother has dementia, she and my dad were living in horrible conditions... he missed the toilet for a bowel movement couldn’t clean it up, blood, urine on the sheets that they slept on etc. He passed and she is extremely narcissistic even with dementia. Hospice was the time of her life chatting with the caregivers about herself, concerned neighbors called social services due to my parents physical appearance, need for assistance, and filthy living conditions. She refuses to acknowledge that she needs 24 hr care and convinced my brother of the same no dice with social services though. As I feel she and my brother contributed to my dad's death by not alerting me or anyone about his health, his bathroom accidents, and the condition of the house, I have a hard time dealing with either of them. My brother and I had a huge fight over moms mental condition which he was alledging was fine and she didn’t need help.... even though the poop all over the bathroom floor was from when he was there 6 months ago... and the trash all over the house was self evident it almost seems as if the two of them were just letting my dad die in front of them. Mom has now taken to yelling at me because I’m not giving her enough attention during dads dying time Never mind I came out picked her up from the hospital because they would not release her on her own, cleaned the house, made arrangements for hospice and the 24 hour home care, gave her baths , washed her clothes etc. I was the only one feeding him giving him meds at the hospital she didn’t want to wait while I fed him dinner she was just horrible. Now she yells at me and my daughter that she is a member of the family and that we don’t treat her kindly etc. So my brother is now going to be responsible for her , but he is still trying to avoid 24 hour care because she doesn’t want it I’ve called social services and let them know that I am no longer responsible for her (orig plan was she and dad if he lived would go to assisted living by me so I could check on them. SD closed their case based on that) This is as in CA. I’m wondering if this is sufficient so they don’t come after me if he does something stupid and leaves her home without proper care? I’m also wondering if anyone has experienced this denial by siblings of a parents mental and physical state?

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Your mom has dementia, her brain is "broken". She can't be held responsible because she can no longer reason and rationalize.

It sounds like brother is in denial or doesn't want to make her mad. That's not in her best interest.

It also sounds like mom is ready for Memory Care. She sounds mentally too far gone for Assisted Living.

You stated that she lives in Assisted Living in your profile but she is actually living in her own home. You were GOING to move them into AL but didn't.

If her living situation is as bad as you describe, call Adult Protective Services to do a wellness check.
Call her doctor and report what you saw.
Alert the police in her town that she's got dementia and is living in filth. Give your brother's name as guardian or caregiver.

She needs (if she hasn't already had) a psychiatric evaluation from a geriatric neurologist and needs to be declared incompetent.

You say she has fooled your brother but Social Services isn't buying it. What do they plan on doing?

Do you or your brother have Power of Attorney?

You don't sound like you want to be responsible so you'll let your brother handle it.... and wait for a catastrophe?

If your brother has formally taken responsibility for your mother to Social Services, then only he would be responsible. You've done the right thing by alerting them that you are not in the picture.

Hard to know what to say to you because you are leaving your mom's living situation up to your brother, who you think, is incompetent.

Good luck to your mother.
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Reply to SueC1957
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Who has power of attorney over your mom's health care and financials ?

Does she have a primary care physician ?

Your profile says mom lives in assisted living - is she in her home alone ?
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Reply to MsMadge
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