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My father, 87, died in December after suffering from a brain stem stroke 6 months before. He was left paralyzed from the nose down. He did not have a living will. This left my Mother, 86, at home alone with her dog. She has refused to leave home to come with me. She wants to stay in her house. I live about 45 minutes away from her. I am 65 and work full time about 50-55 hrs a week in a stressful job. I get to her 2-3 times a week. I make sure her bills are paid, food in house, that she has heat, etc. She has never liked drs. Her legs are swelling and I finally got her to the dr two weeks ago. He wanted to put her in the hospital. She refused. So he gave her medication to try to help. Yesterday when I was there she was in pain. I have argued and argued with her to let me take her to the hospital. She won't leave her home. I can't sleep, worrying about her. I am afraid of losing my job (about 1-2 yrs away from retirement) I can't stand to see her suffer like I watched my Father. She won't let anyone in her house. so visiting nurses are out. My husband of 25 years has only been in the house twice. I am at my wit's end. I have a brother that lives about 5 miles from her but after my father died he hasn't contacted us. I called him last night for help and he hung up on me. She said she is only living to take care of her dog. Any suggestions will be appreciated.

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shoot the dog. JK This is the most frustrating thing I have ever been through. I would think that my mom would be happy to be able to live in MY home vs. a nursing home. But....NO, she wants to be in her home. I know the feeling. So, there you go. What are you going to do? When you have an answer, please tell me!
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She may not be incompetent, but it is unsafe for her to be alone. My Mom's generation are a tough bunch...they are ruggedly independent and took pride in taking care of themselves. There is a lot to be honored in that.
However, it becomes a detriment to them as they age and we become their caregivers. We all wish we could stay in our homes...it is just human nature.
Tough love may be called for here. Tell your Mom that she can only be released to a place where she can get care. Tell her it will be temporary until she can get on her feet. Even if it ends up being temporary you will have time to evaluate both her condition and ability to live alone, and make other arrangements.
Good luck. Nothing like emergencies!
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I am in a typical situation. I have been advised to have County Social Worker to visit her home and determine her welfare. If the Social Worker feels that she is in danger of welfare, she can be declared incompetent and you or the Social Worker can take the next steps.
It's hard to go against your mother's wishes, but at some point we are all going to have to do that if they will not take care of themselves.
I am still struggling with my mother's strong will and her medical needs.
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I have approached the subject a few times and she refuses. I talked to the case worker last Friday when she was in the hospital. When I mentioned the problem to her she said she had just finished discussing this subject with my mom. My mom even told them she is a hoarder and the house is not clean. Case worker asked her if she want to live in an assisted home or with your daughter. She said go to my house. The case worker said i have no say in the matter. she can go home. they questioned her about different things and they said she is not incompentant. Again, thank you all for your comments
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Maybe kindly tell her what her options are; come with you, Nurshing Home, or Assited living of course be sure the options are one that you can deal with also. Talk to the Social Workers, you need resourcefull assistance, I have found them to be very helpful.
Still wishing you well.
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Update, I sent my comment on 3/2 about 1pm. I had to work until about 6:30 pm that night. My husband and I went over to try to talk her into coming with me. I went in first and found her on the floor with her legs pushed under the couch. Apparently she was trying to get up and jammed them under the couch. I called 911 and the ambulance took her to the hospital. I promised her I would watch her dog. I even spent the night with him. I went over twice a day to take care of him and to see her. Her red blood cells are very low and from Thursday to this past Monday she has had 4 transfusions. Her count starts to go back up and then it drops. Well, trying to make a long story a little shorter, the dog died on Sunday. The doctors didn't want me to tell her until they got some test results back. Other than she has a blood prob they didn't find anything else. So, Tuesday was the day I had to tell her about the dog. Then yesterday morning the hospital case worker told me they were moving her to rehab in about an hour. I went there after work last night and stayed until almost 9 with her. she is sad about the dog. I tried to convince her that she should come with me for a little while and she still refuses. Thank you everyone for taking the time to answer me. I just need to get some of this off my chest. I just feel like a deer in headlights, don't know which way to turn, what to do next. Trying to tell myself to just take one day at a time but it isn't always that easy. : )
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Worried, ask her if the reason she's not willing to leave her home, is that she feels like she's leaving her deceased husbands memory behind. Does she feel like she's abandoning her life with him? That's the way my mother-in-law felt when she refused to leave home when she knew she could no longer stay there. What she was really leaving behind was her memories of happier times, not the house itself. I told her I wished I could make a time machine so she could go back to when things were good, and her boys were all little kids again. Which is what she really wanted.
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If she is declared incompetent before you get durable and or medical POA, she will be ruled as incompetent to sign such a document.
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Just some thoughts, if she's living to take care of her dog, can/will she bring her dog to live with you? Sounds like a Social Worker needs to be called to her house for a welfare check. After an assement, perhaps she will be declared incompetent then you may can become her POA? Does she have any friends that are in Assisted living or Nursing Home care...maybe she can go "be around her friends"
My city, San Antonio has a government council on aging with many free resources for the elderly, they've been very helpful for me, check to see if your city as something like this.
Please let us know how you progress. Take care of yourself, you can't help your mom if you're not well...mentaly and physicaly. Do some exercise to releive the stress...It helps!
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This is a very bad situation. I did not read anything about having medical POA. Do you have it for her? Her legs need Ted socks to help with the swelling. If you have medical POA, you might be able to use it to get her to the hospital for a full physiological and psychological evaluation.
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