I am concerned that l need her to agree for legal reasons. I am in Australia and have set up access to a number of utilities and government services. This is because l live with her as support and she is not computer literate etc. My brother has POAs for financial and medical. So far over the last 4 years he has not done any of these things for her as he should have done. It appears that he is only aware of the very end of her life such as what kind of funeral and turning off life support. I have made him aware of interacting with the government account that holds her health details. Upshot is l have tried to explain to mum that l can help with ideas and support for any of her needs and wishes to keep her at home and with any services that may be required. She lives with the idea that brother is her big protective man who will care for all. Trouble is l know he is a covert narcsissist so he doesn't have empathy and l will have to be advising him of what he needs to do and if she is not going to be open to any extra support ie putting forth requests to him then she's on her own. Mother is NPD and usually l am her punching bag yet l do my best for her.
Finally my question is do l give him the ultimatum that he needs to step up and actually do what he is required to and l relinquish any responsibilities that l have taken on.
If you don't, this is what will happen. Your mother's needs will increase. Your brother will be nowhere to be seen. You will feel forced to give up your job, activities, friends. You will still have no control over the money, and without POA for health and care you will also have great difficulty organising additional support; your brother won't agree that there's any need, and the state authorities will need consents that you can't give on your mother's behalf. You will end up doing all of the work yourself, you will be broke, you will be exhausted, you will burn out; and the worst of it is that you will feel responsible for providing your mother with the best possible standard of care when it is absolutely impossible for you to do it.
Your mother has made her choice, as is her right. Let her and your brother both see what it means in reality, before it's too late.
You are right l did want some input/control. This was to ensure the best possible choices for her and to not be compromised should any event arise. In Aust many people put 2 or more POAs with like caveats. Guess it was kind of storm in a tea cup. I have let her know that l am happy to help in the ways l do currently and that at some point l will relinquish all duties that my brother is to be responsible for. She is sitting comfy with anything he will do and how. That's the main thing. I know he is a little jelly about it now but of course he will zip into action. I'm just more nuanced. I'm so glad he is POA Financial. I wouldn't have a hope with that. But with medical stuff he won't consult with me, necessarily as there has never been open comms. Mostly he pops by once a week and is usually in the NPD rage of silence mode.
I do this care towards mum as a guesture for my late father who bequethed me part of the property so that l could live in the little flat at the back. I'm thinking that when things are at a critical level it's going to be brothers turn. Then l will move to temp accomm so that he can use the flat if needs be. In that time l will have earned a well deserved rest and can start a life again and buy a new house with my superannuation.
Thanks for your support it really helps to talk.
Co-POAs are not a good idea, because that keeps decisions from being made. Your situation is exactly why they're a bad idea, as you and your brother disagree on Mom's care, so how would shared POA work out? Not well.
You're free to make your suggestions and present your ideas, but your brother was designated the POA and he gets the final say. It'd be nice if the two of you were on the same page more, but clearly you aren't. I was POA (medical and financial) for my parents largely because my older brother had not shown himself to be great with his own money. He wasn't terrible with it, but he was not in alignment with how my dad handled their money. Dad made the decision to give me the responsibility, and my brother accepted that. I think he suspected the reason, but he was gracious about it.
I kept my brother in the loop on the finances and my mom's health on all things after my dad died. (He died only six weeks after being diagnosed with cancer.) He was supportive and trusted me to make the tough decisions, but I bounced most of them off him as well. However, I also had to take charge and make the decision not to grant him an advance on his inheritance when he asked for it. That money belonged to our mother, not us, and he had no right to ask for it. He understood.
In the end, there needs to be one captain of the ship, and Mom chose your brother. You need to nag less, and stop pestering your mom and brother, or you're going to find yourself shut out completely.
Make a list of all your concerns, and your suggestions for implementation, including whether or not you're granted legal authority through amended DPOA or POA, or Living Will or other authorization documentation.
Since I don't have any knowledge of Australian law, I can't comment on that or how you can legally obtain control.
Not to be critical, but I do see some sense of wanting to take control, in part b/c of your relationship with your brother. That may be why your mother doesn't want to make any changes or authorize you to act on her behalf.
I think more insight on the history of your relationship with your mother, as well as your brother, would shed some light on this situation.
W/o knowing more about your brother and you, and your apparently not cooperative relationship, it's hard to make suggestions. So I would try to make that relationship more flexible, with you offering solutions since you don't feel he's proactive.
I also think that taking the position of giving your brother an ultimatum is exactly NOT the kind of action that helps to resolve these frictions.
In the long and short term though, if your mother doesn't want you to act on her behalf, I would question what might actually change that, and if it's appropriate for you to specifically and frankly discuss this with your mother. It is her choice, after all.
Please don't take this negatively; that's not my intent. Your post though reveals these frictions very plainly, so that needs to be addressed.
I had been in similar.. GA, yours is good feedback I wish I had then..
I had thought the *snowball* that landed on me meant I should take control of the *shovel* - to actively dig, instead of being buried alive.
But no *shovel* was ever handed to me.
Would not be a victim, left in the snow, so I used my own hands to claw out & have stayed out. Will stay out until my help is actually requested. Learnt my lesson - still thawing out.
Now there ARE sons out there running Mum to appointments, helping buy new shoes, slogging through quantullion online pages of Aged Care/Medicare/My Health Records.
But it may be a waste of time trying to get Brother to step up/change. Those leopard spots are stuck on!
It may also hurt your head, banging against the wall trying to convince Mum.. long held Son-legal stuff / Daughter-Carer model from like 1950.
I'm thinking some 'tough love'. Sorry Mum, can't help you with that - call Bro. Remember you gave HIM authority for that. On repeat. I hate to suggest manipulation, but the more hastle Bro gets from Mum, he may actually see the sense of you having joint POA/MPOA & hastle her.
Anyone else got something better?