Mother always said she wants to die at home, but I'm thinking of moving her into a care facility. What should I do?

I think everyone here gave good information. My mom had a fall and even though I had been with her everyday before that, when she came home from skilled nursing I stayed with her awhile. It is quite different spending all day and night with them. My MIL also came to stay at our house before she died. You will need your own space and help for backup. Cancer, dementia, any of it is hard to care for. And once you move in, you are now the chosen helper child probably for life. Think about it long and hard first please. You did not say if she has any help now in her home. I also agree no rent and a caregiver agreement made up for the record. No matter what you think, you will earn free rent ha ha! Take care.

Dear moonmagic,

It is honorable of you to want to care for your mom and try to honor her wishes. I am so sorry to hear about her diagnosis. But given her age and medical needs and your own medical issues, I think a nursing home would be a better option. Maybe consider talking to a social worker to fully discuss all your options.

If you move to care for mom you should not pay rent. You should be paid to care for her. It is not unusual for a 24/7 caregiver in someone's home to make 4k a month or more. An agency with three shifts of caregivers would be paid in excess of 12k a month.

With your own medical issues I would not do it myself. It is an exhausting task and one person would need to be healthy in order to provide the necessary care, mentally and physically.

There are so many factors at play here - money is almost the least of them.
-How long does your mother have to live?
-What needs does she have, and are you able to take care of those needs, given your own health limitations?
-What is she like personality-wise, and what is your relationship like? Are you close enough, and do you love her enough, to provide the kinds of care she is likely to need, patiently and willingly?
-What kinds of relationships do you and she have with your siblings? If you need help with her care (for example you get sick and need one of them to take over for a few days), will they do that or will they all assume that, since you're living there, it's all on you and nobody else should have to lift a finger?
-Do you have other sources of support to help you deal with the issues that will undoubtedly arise and to help you make decisions about Mom's care? (Yes, we're here for you, but a close friend or sibling who can actually come over and sit with you can be a lifesaver.)

Living with an elderly parent can be stressful and difficult under the best of circumstances, let alone when the parent is terminally ill. Please think through all the angles before you commit.

Good suggestions above. Your medical problems would be a great concern. Normally, someone who has significant medical issues, isn't advised to work a 24 hr job, which caretaking is. It's very stressful and there are no breaks, unless you bring in help and some seniors resist that. I'd read a lot of personal stories on this site of people who have done what you are considering and see how things turned out. IT might give you reasons to really reconsider. I hope you can find some answers that work for you and your mom.

Thankyou to every answer so far, a lot of great advice, you all have given a lot to think about

Often family dynamics change when an adult child moves back home with parents. It is all too easy for the parent to see the adult child as a little child again and treat them as such. That and your having medical issues yourself would concern me. 

I know she wants to die at home, but that may not be realistic. She may really need to be in a nursing home. 

I don't know what your medical issues are but tending to her might make your issues worse which would take away from you ability to care for her and in the end possibly mean her outliving you which does happen to about 30-40% of caregivers.

Two experiences with people wishing to die at home:
The first case was a man with pancreatic cancer - the staff warned the family that this was a very bad idea because of pain management, but they insisted. He suffered terribly, as did his family, and he had to return to the hospital.
The second case was a neighbor whose family worked with hospice. He returned home for a few hours before his death and that meant a lot. However, pain could be managed OK and hospice nurse was there. So I think it depends on what medical advice you receive, and also how much support you have realistically.

after a hospital stay, put dad in nursing home for more care. He also always wanted to die at home. Now, I want to bring him home so he can die at home(I lived with him) , but siblings don't agree. Now I feel so guilty for letting him go to nursing home in the first place. He always asks me when he is going home. I think if you can do it take care of her. Sounds like the time is limited. I will always feel guilty for this even though we have taken care of my dad for ten years since his stroke.

I would like to bring Dad home with care and just let him be at peace and die at home