Follow
Share

Since the Stroke she needs our help with daily needs. For the most part she can cook and bath but not able to get food for the house. She has changes 180 degrees since and very mean and nasty she hates everything we do for her and now has no problem telling us so, I would say she is of sound mind but has moments when she is paranoid and very abusive verbally. She calls my wife stupid and many other things. Mother is very angry and tells us to leave and never come back. I'm an only child and we have nobody else to step in. I fear her alone in the home. She broke her cell phone I bought for emergencies, She threw the home phone on the floor after beating it against the wall. This is totally out of character of her past self. I know she is depressed and a Dr. just prescribed a med for that today. She makes silly statements like she is giving all her money to a distant cousin she's not seen in 40+ years and sometimes just worries me with the way she talks. I'm at a loss here. She is still under care for therapy in home 3x a week and needs transportation to doctors. She recently has a pacemaker put in too. My main concern is her safety, with no phones she can fall and not get help for hours if it's after 6pm till I check in in the am. Some days are better than others but every day it turns ugly. My wife is a angel and very patient and tonight she was forced out of mom's house. I get she is depressed and angry but why at the people who are trying to help? I don't know if she will take her daily medication of fix something to eat since we are not there right now. I drove over tonight she has the front door open, the garage open and all the lights in the house on. She has destroyed all the phones in the house. I'm at wit's end. It would almost be better is she was not of sound mind, then I'd be able to care for her without any legal trouble. My grandmother lost it and I cared for her and she called the police numerous times thinking I was a unknown thief. Mom is not at that point and don't think it will be the same as Grandma, but she needs care. She needs to be taken to doctors, take her meds, make sure she eats, pay's the bills, all of these things me or my wife have been doing till today. She would not qualify for Guardianship I don't believe but still needs help. Besides me forcing her to do something she won't want to do causes a verbal fight, not very much fun for us.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I've been reading about Aggressive behaviors in patients and it's mostly common sense to me on how or not to react. I can easily become angered at the situation as a result of experiences in my own life. I will back away from the scene and allow my wife to deal with it. My wife is extremely patient and it's a great asset to have her. I have respond back with logic and trying to reason with mom to no end, it's impossible. I'm reminded of this after reading some online information about the issue. I'm now just staying away and letting my wife help with what she may need to not make her more angry. I'll try some things later in the week. I have an idea to do some outdoor cleaning and yard work that she will see me doing but not approach her, in hopes she will have kinder thoughts about me. I'm learning as I go and will just do the best I can and hope for the best. Most important is to let her doctor know how she really is and not how she may be acting on short visits for care. Either way we will continue to care and try to make the best of this. I'm just happy she will allow my wife access to the home without any threats of calling the police or telling her to leave and not come back, although she has done this a few times already.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Freqflyer is right. UTIs can make older people psychotic and unreasonable. I can always tell when my mother has one. They're easy to treat, so if that is a problem she is having, things may get better after a few days of antibiotic. If you think it may be a problem, you can take her to Urgent Care if you have one around.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Really? I know this is an ongoing issue with her, and not sure of curent condition.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thank you
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

gesteiger, if you can get your Mom to her primary doctor, have her checked for an Urinary Tract Infection.... in elders it can make them act totally out of control.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

gesteiger, the first two years I was living with my parents, my mother was a hell cat. She fought me on everything. It was like she hated me. It was hard to get anything done when she was fighting at me. I knew she had some sort of dementia or mental illness. Her main thing was that she wanted to maintain tight control, but couldn't anymore. She became full of blame for things around her. She was nasty to me a lot and tried to hit me a couple of times over medication issues. She would tell me to leave and say she was going to call the police to take me away to jail. The look in her eyes was absolute hatred on these occasions. And all I was doing was trying to help. Her mind was totally broken.

The next morning she would come to my room and apologize, then ask me to stay. I think about the times I could have left. I had a "get out of jail free" card and blew it. And here I sit typing on my computer to AC still. :)

It got better when she got through this phase. The bad part about that phase of her illness is that her judgment was terrible. There was one plumbing event that ended up with them being conned for about $10K -- really, their insurance was. I knew what was going on, but she was so busy fighting me that she wouldn't stop. After it was all over she realized she had really messed up, but it was too late.

I wish it were easier. If your mother is like mine, she will go through phases that are worse than others. We just either have to ride with them or get professional help for them. They can be dangerous to themselves when judgment is poor. I'm glad you called the police. I hope they'll drive by occasionally to help you keep an eye out for her.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Gesteiger, you are doing the right things. If it turns out badly it is not your fault - and maybe not Mom's either, her brain and her mind have failed her. She can no longer judge accurately who is trying to help her and may be fixated on completely paranoid ideas, maybe even unable to distinguish nightmares or fears from real events. Our systems are so geared to protecting people's autonomy, it can be hard or impossible to get much needed help arranged until worse things happen or it is totally unequivocal that they can no longer care for themselves.

APS calls and guardianship may be in your future as well - being armed with good information, courage, and deep concern you have for your mom and her well-being will serve you all well, but yes, it is one hard road to travel. DO get a hold of the documents and make copies to keep and to give others who will have to ask you for them - you are going to need them. I kept PDFs of mine in Dropbox account so they were handy to print or even e-mail at any time. The other thing you will need, whether the POAs are sufficient versus needing guardianship, are letters of incapacity usually from two of her doctors. Your giving information in advance to them, maybe even with pictures of how her home is, could be invaluable.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Hello and thanks for the feedback it dose serve some comfort to just know someone understands us. My wife and I drove over this morning, it's only about 15 homes around the corner from me. When we got there and rang the doorbell she snap the blind open, I knew right then she was hostel, and ask us "What do you want" we stayed calm as usual and I replied Good morning, again "What do you want" I said just checking to see you're ok. She replied well your both unfortunate, I ask why's that. She replied I didn't die last night. Any case I went in and she had taken 1 phone from the floor and had it plugged into the wall so I checked it and she just said you think I'm stupid. From the moment we arrived she was Agitated with us. She started in on my poor, oh so patient wife with "She's so stupid" on and on I never seen anyone so stupid, how could you marry someone so stupid. I remind myself she's sick and just go about checking the house quickly so we can leave. She has been saying lately I'm giving everything to, and it's always someone different, someone else. What she's talking about is her Will. I'm the only child and she had one made when she was thinking clearly giving me the house and whatever else she has. Not that I worry about that too much, but wonder if she were able to get a ride to a lawyer, could she make a Will and would it be legal? I'd hate to see something really dumb happen to our family home.
She tell us to get out and never come back again and adds I'll call the police if I see you back here. I left and as I was driving up the street I thought, maybe I'd better call the police myself and document this situation. She had said something to my wife before we left about did you see him hit me. I never hit my mom, never have, never will, didn't think much of it outside crazy talk. Then I thought how would it be if I had to defend myself from her calling the police and telling them I did hit her. I thought it best I be the one to call and report our family issue. The police ask me what it is I want them to do. I told them I just want permission to drop by for a quick check in 3-4 times a day and that would be fine. After talking to her they came back out and said I can stop by, not go in and will my wife drive her to doctor appointments and such, all of which we agree to. I need to get with her doctor and explain everything. When she was thinking ok, during 1 of her few hospital stays I was made Health Care Power of Attorney. I'm not sure where those docs are but the hospital is sure to have a copy where we first signed them. At least this way I can make sure she does the right thing for herself medically anyway. I'm going to have to just be smarter than her and figure a way to get her calm down around us. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and still can't believe the stuff that comes from her mouth, she used to be so sweet and kind. Thanks again for the replies and take care.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

gesteiger, I am so sorry that you are going through what so many families go through. If I were a gambling person I would bet heavily that your mother has dementia of some kind. VaD is a good guess because of the strokes.

Your mother may never be like your Gram. No two people go through dementia exactly the same way, plus there are about 50 kinds of dementia! But that doesn't mean that Mother doesn't need care. You must be so worried about her!

Your mother may have dementia or other cognitive problems and still not be incompetent, that is true. And she'd have to be legally incompetent for a guardian to be appointed for her.

But, my gosh, leaving all the doors open and lights on? Whew, I'd be worried. And will she take her meds?

I wonder if you might want to call APS and explain the situation. You don't think she can safely be alone, but she has kicked you out. You are just interested in her safety.

This might be marginally easier if you had a diagnosis for her current behavior. Has this been discussed with a doctor?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You know something's wrong. The family that is closest most likely is always the first to know. Doctors can be fooled for a while, since it's each to showtime for 10-15 minutes. Trust your instincts on this one. Soon she may be more open for you to help her. It will probably be easier to ease the help on her so she'll feel like she's in control. Things will probably change soon. Something I found in my mother is that she can be blazing angry tonight and sweet the next day. I think my mother still has an idea when she is over the line. Sometimes she even apologizes.

BTW, she went through a long period of confabulation -- making up things that weren't true. They might have a bit of fact to them, but she would add the rest. I learned to not believe much she said during those times. To her, though, the things were true.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Mom had Corotid Artery Surgery, and they said it was too far gone and closed the Artery to stop debris from clogging in her brain or elsewhere. She also just had a pacemaker but I think that helps. Yeah she has started to name call and really pick us apart, something she never would ever do to anyone let alone me and my wife. I left her alone at home tonight but will go back alone tomorrow to check on her. Just looking for what's best for her, after this last month I'm not sure what that even is anymore. To piss off my wife and make her cry is next to impossible but Mother manage to do that today, calling her stupid, telling her she always hated her. She told my wife the other day that her father might not be her real father and the guy died 10 years ago and y mother didn't even know him personally. It's like she is in pain and angry so we are going to join her, like she's on a mission of misery.
Thanks for the reply I'll accept any ideas at this point.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Something I would like to add is that if your mother does have VaD, it is good to let her keep doing as much as she can for herself. My mother has VaD. She can remember how to do the things she does frequently. If I start doing things for her, she will forget how to do them. Because of this, I let her do everything she is still able to, even if it takes longer and isn't done so well.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

gesteiger, it sounds like your mother's mind may not be as sound as you might hope. Some of the things she is doing are a bit beyond normal. It may be that she is throwing you out of the house before you can see how bad it really is. People can appear normal for a certain amount of time. The is called showtiming. Showtiming, however, takes a lot of energy and often people are not able to maintain the facade for too long. Do you think this could be happening?

Your mother has had two strokes, so areas of the brain could be damaged that have caused the change in her personality. She is also a prime candidate for vascular dementia (VaD), given her history of strokes. It is hard to find good information on VaD, but it would be good for you to read about. Some of the symptoms include the loss of the ability to reason things through and make logical decisions. Thinking something is broken or getting angry at an object can be a response to not being able to figure out how to work it. This would be typical for many people with VaD.

I hope that things work out and that you're able to get a good diagnosis for your mother. You are right to be concerned about the food and medicines. Making a plan and sticking to it could be a challenge IF she were to have VaD. You may not be able to do anything right away, given that she is combative. There may come a crisis point where you can step in. Good luck and let us know what is going on.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter