My Mother is using emotional blackmail on her children. What do we do? - AgingCare.com

My Mother is using emotional blackmail on her children. What do we do?

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My father passed away 2 years ago. The emotional abuse began when I was a child. I've never been happy. I just need some space. Because of her verbal and emotional abuse, I'm afraid to have kids because I don't want to take on her characteristics. She has been staying with me for the past 2 years. She constantly make threats that she's leaving. I feel like I just need peace and quiet without all the threats.

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Your mom needs to move our or you do. This cycle has to stop. I recommend counceling. My mom was emotionally abusinve and used emotional blackmail and as the oldest child i felt responsible for her emotional wellbeing and used to do what she demanded "to keep the peace". As an adult, i finally realized this would never change in spite of all of the sacrifices to keep the peace. I was scared of having kids or a husband because i didn't want to turn into her and i found myself using her same tactics when i was emotional. Counceling. Amazingly helpful. 30 years later i have a wonderful husband and a wonderful little boy and i am NOT MY MOTHER. I have had to correct my reactions because they were like my mom. But over time i did and i approach disagreements in a much healthier and happier way than she did. Bottom line - if you want things to change, it starts with you saying "i am not going to live like this anymore" and then getting help from people who have the ability to guide you through taking back your life and how you will deal with the people in your lives - especially your mom, siblings, and then other relationships. I am sending you all of the courage and best wishes i can. Good luck and God bless you!
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I'm so confused. You don't want your mother living with you *because* you are constantly under threat of her… not living with you.

And if I'm confused, how on earth must you feel about it?

How would you like things to be? Try breaking that down. In your ideal world…

mother would be living… where?
your relationship with her would be… what?
the kind of plans you would be making for your life might include… what?

You sound as if you are lost in the FOG (search the AC website for that term, specifically, and you'll see lots of relevant threads). But recognising it is the first step towards finding your way out of it, so that's a start :)

By the way, when you say "…using emotional blackmail on her children" where are the other children in all this? Who's the "we" in the "what do we do?"
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I agree with V. You can create space, but you are going to need therapy yo get her out of your head. Leave, and find your peace.
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How much counseling have you been getting al these unhappy years? Mom's mean streak should not be allowed to blight your life like this...I can't help but think you need more than "space" and I also think you are in the process of finding your courage, because it probably took quite a bit just to write to us about this. Parental put-downs take a looong time to recover from, to let it really sink in that the problems was them and not you, because those negative messages delivered early in life are so deeply internalized. Keep writing. Don't keep paying that hush money to your blackmailer if you can possibly help it!
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"Step over the body and don't look back". Man that's cold...but I have to agree...
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Set yourself free and go. She will fake a heart attack. Step over the body and don't look back. Only YOU can break the cycle of abuse. YOU.
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Open up your dresser drawer, get a pair of big-girl pants and put them on. If you're living with her, move. If she's living with you, tell her she has 60 days to find a new home. (Dollars to donuts you're living with her. Start packing.)
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Can I help you pack?
What is the worst thing that would happen to you if she left?
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When she threatens to leave, show her the door and wave good-bye. Why would you need her in your life? Are you her caregiver? I didn't get that impression, since she is threatening to leave.
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