My mother recently updated her will and power of attorney, and named my siblings as executors and POA. Why am I being left in the dark?

My situation is very similar to yours in the fact that I have always lived close to my mom and dad and cared for them. All of my 4 siblings said that they couldn't help them even though they didn't live that far away. I always made sure that my parents had what they needed. My mother had always discuss with me that she would move in with me one day when my dad passed away. She had this conversation with me for 20 years, even before my dad passed away. When my dad passed away she couldn't decide if she wanted to leave her home and move in with me or if she wanted to have me move in with her. She asked me to move in with her. As I begin to pack my things my mother-in-law became ill. This turned out for many other reasons to be a blessing in the end! My mother totally changed her mind on me to be moving in with her. My brother was going through a divorce and needed a place to go with his two children. I was fine with that. During the course of him living with her for a yr. He and I became close and visited a lot. I moved in with my mother in law a mile away. My brother got married again and moved out right at the time of my mother in laws death. My mom wanted to now move in with me since my brother was getting remarried and said he wouldn't be buying a house big enough to include our mother.
Before we were to get inheritance from the death of my mom in law, my mom wanted to move in to the house where we lived which was not mine but my deceased MIL. Long story short my mom sold her home refused to give any money to us toward our hope to be home still didn't know if we would clear the cost through inheritance. wanted to move in with her dog and 2 cats at no expense to her. We would give her 2 of the 5 bedrooms and 1of the 3 bathrooms of the house. We told her no, when she wouldn't give us the 30,000 she promised. She changed her will and took me out completely and put my brother as executor only and the only inheritor of hers. She bought a 225,0000 house in the neighborhood my brother bought a house in, 3 houses down, 3yrs ago. Now I have to take her to stores and Dr's. Appts. Which I don't mind but my brother's name is on her home and she can't change her will if she wanted to. I know this doesn't help you in your situation other than maybe you would feel your not alone and it happens. I hope you can take a small comfort in this?

Went thru this with my parents... except I was the one the POA was changed to . Why ? My sister lived as far away as I did. Hardly visited, hardly called. Every time something happened , I was the one who flew out. My aunt encouraged the change. Knowing it was the best. We didn’t tell my sister because who wants to deal with the fallout? When they put my dad in hospice. I had flown out , I asked the Dr if it was time, and did all the arrangements. My sister accused me of stealing her birth right. We didn’t fight, thank goodness. But it was my sister who did the hard part . She stayed by his side. I would love to turn over the POA to my other sister who isn’t capable.

My husband’s family is fighting about this same issue . Split the family in half. Having biblically shunned the two on the POA s . No family visits Or holidays, because the sister refuses to be in the same room. Dragged everyone into the battle. Parents have said this is how they want it. For some reason , the sister has some power over them to continue this ridiculous battle.

Try to be accepting of the choices. Probably, There is some uncomfortable thoughts of your acceptance of this. Yes, you need copies, but knowing what I know from my experiences, I would be happy to be in the supportive roll of my sisters.

I can understand that you may feel left out of the process, however your relationship (as you describe it) became one of becoming closer to them. Your sister returned to the area to become their caretaker and that is totally different. Were you unable to be the caretaker. Or perhaps, caretaking simply not within your ability or desire? I think those who become caretaker are also more involved in the management of the future, as well, simply because that's how the parent sees them - managers of care/life.

Since things have still be divided equally, try to let go of the feeling of being left out. It would appear that the documents were not all that hidden since you saw them. And you acknowledge that everyone has different capabilities. Think back, even when you were living near to them and more involved when they didn't need so much care, were the siblings the same children that parents often discussed personal finances/planning type issues? Were they the children that others see as making level headed decisions? That could play a part in this.

Maybe it was just a touchy subject when will was updated. Mom wanted something in place, felt a little uneasy discussing her wishes with you BECAUSE you became close to her, yet she wanted to name sis as POA/executor. I am curious as to why mom updated her will, but no mention about dad. Is it possible that old wills left everything to each other and she wanted something in place to handle her affairs because he is likely to go first? Also, are these siblings older than you? Often they assign duties based on first born, second, etc.

Rest easy knowing you were equally included. At least you don't have that battle or hurt feelings. And try to keep in mind that a will is often very personal and private to those who get them done - kind of like a surprise gifting at the end if anything is leftover.

It does not feel good when you have been the primary “devoted child” for your parent, and you are suddenly removed by your siblings in an underhanded manner without explanation. I experienced the same situation, and your feelings are valid. My parents already had dementia and we’re very confused when my brothers changed their documents to exclude me. I had previously quit my job and handled everything relating to their care with NO help from my two brothers, who live locally but visited 2-3 times a year. They suddenly decided that I (a well-educated career woman) could not manage the situation as well as they could. Long story short, I sought full “Guardianship” of my mom in court (which supersedes POA and HCP) and the judge granted it to me. The judge disagreed with everything my brothers said, and did not appreciate their sudden “need for control“ over her care and money when I was the only child actively involved in my parents lives. My mom now lives with me and my family- she is doing better than ever and I love caring for her. I have lots of help through the Medicaid CDPASS program... which allows you and caregivers of your choice to be compensated to care for your parent at home. Obtaining guardianship was an expensive legal process, and caring for a parent at home is very involved, and not a reasonable option for many people. That said, I want you to know I understand how hurt you feel, and your feelings are valid. You clearly love your mom and want to continue to be involved in her care. Your role (which you may actually enjoy) has been ripped away from you without good reason. It could be about financial control and may have nothing to do with your capability. You sound like a loving and devoted daughter who has your moms best interest at heart. I wish you well.

I don't know if you should read too much into this, maybe it just makes sense. I care for my father, he lives with me and he has assigned me his POA and not my brother. My brother lives about an hour and a half away and wanted to have a joint POA but it just doesn't makes sense. He doesn't know that I have the POA either because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. We are very close and good friends and he helps out with dad from time to time. I will say that being in this situation, if my dad lived with my brother and he had to handle all this then I would make sure he was the POA not me. I don't know if your concerned about money, our family is not because my dad has nothing so money is not an issue. Try not to take it personally and don't let it get in the way of your relationship with your siblings.

I share your concern. I don't know you, and I don't know the details, but if what you say is true, I would feel slighted. Something very similar is happening to me, even though I have been my mother's primary care giver 24/7 for over ten years. My siblings have helped very little, some none at all, and yet my mother is giving them money. Family politics is puzzling and infuriating.

I am glad at least you were shown the documents. however, any kind of secrecy andor exclusion is obviously very wrong and very suspicious.Sometimes, parents who were always very equally loving when in their right minds can be easily persuaded to sign things they do not understand nd thus unknowingly divide things in a very unfair way. I hope you can get legal help. God bless you.

Was there any issues between you and your siblings before the one moved back closer to home?  Hey......I know its hard, but they might change their minds as things get tougher.  The decisions are tougher, etc., do you think they will be able to handle it?  Either your sister talked your mother into something (which I think had been done on my hubbies side of the family), but you will never know.  I don't know if there is much you can do, unless you were POA before, but if your mother made the change, she can do it.  Have you asked your mother why the sudden change?  She may or may not remember, if that being the case, you might be able to contact an elder attorney and indicate that your sister talked your mother into changing everything while she is not mentally capable of understanding what she did.  Wishing you luck.

Happened to us, too. My mother-in-law announced that she changed her will after her husband died, but told us that her new lawyer said that she shouldn't show anyone her new will. My husband is her only child, and he is (or was, at least) the executor of her estate. Yeah, so, we are calling BS on that line. She has a history of lying about anything and everything, so we can never believe what she tells us.

What we think happened is that the big, impersonal church she belongs to came to her after her husband passed away and talked her into donating some huge chunk of her estate to the church when she dies. It's her money, and if she wants to bequeath a pile of cash or her house to them, that is her right. However, if they convinced her to leave everything to them, there is going to be a squabble.

She told my husband that he should destroy her old will, but he is hanging onto it in case we need it if we have to show that her original intention, before somebody got to her, was not to disinherit her only family. She is perfectly sane, except for her weird habit of making stuff up, so it's not a matter of dementia. If she ever does get dementia, it will probably be Irish dementia - she will forget everything but her grudges. ;-)

Annie2019, I am glad you asked your question, as I have needed to get this story out of my mind, sad as it is, and learn to move on!
I am the oldest of 4, and when dad died 30 years ago my brother, 2nd who was the executor of his will, never read it aloud. I never questioned anything. Hind sight is 20/20 and I should have asked to read the will. Fast forward 30 years, Mom died earlier this year. Since dad's death I had been told that I was not in the will, and I never questioned that decision; it is and was my parents' money and they can do whatever they want with their money. After Mom's death, I found out I was in the will, and was getting 1/4th of everything, provided I did not question anything that my brother and sisters decided to do. As I was helping to clear out important documents, I found and kept the original will. To my shock and sadness, dad had named me as Mom's Primary Care Giver, had given me POA, and health care advisor, provided that I undertook the task once dad died; there was a 7 year waiting period. If I did nothing for 7 years, the duties would go to my brother and sister. Seven years passed after dad died, I did my yearly visits, weekly calls, but nothing special. So they took over. They paid themselves a hefty yearly salary, got control of her finances, made the house out to Mom and sister, and now want my share of the 1/4th to be split between the 3 of them.
So yes, it does happen, my dad knew those three were greedy and tried to protect Mom. She would not have died so soon as I would have watched her health; she had TIA's and sister, whom Mom was living with did not know this and was just disgusted that Mom was wetting herself in public. I am still trusting of them, I know this is bad. I now know that if my "close siblings" can cheat anyone sibling others will do the same. Husband, children and I have always lived within our means so Mom's money will help in our old age. My siblings however were so used to her money they are in financial ruin. Money makes siblings, no matter how religious they are, very greedy.
Now the healing can begin :)

I have just gone through a similar situation. My brother talked mom into gIrving him POA and Executor of the Will. He took mom to a different lawyer and stayed with her in the room. Mom had dementia at the time. The lawyer did give him POA but told him that he had to speak to the rest of the family before he would redo the will. I was never consulted or was made aware of the change. Mom ended up in hospital due to a bad fall 6 weeks after the POA was changed. To make a very long story short I called in Public Trustee as money was missing/misused, no care, and what I would call Elder Abuse. Once the PT was in charge he revoked brother as POA. Mom has now passed away and am doing the paperwork on my own as brother will not communicate or have anything to do with me any longer. It was a difficult time but I am almost through it. You can get a lawyer and contest it but is it worth it? Will your siblings treat you like I was treated? You can get an accounting of every cent spent, is it being divided equally?

Mom never remembered going to the lawyer, she thought she went to the Doctor. Was it worth me bringing charges due to the fact mom had dementia? No. Brother has/had no money so why bother. I was able to get mom the best care and she passed away peacefully.

I have posted frequently as the story happened. This site has been there for me.

Every child should expect to be in the dark (about the estate) until after their parent’s death. There is zero requirement to notify you about anything. After all, as long as your parents are of sound mind, all estate documents could be changed and changed again. A will is only “activated” by a death, before that time, all estate documents (except POA) are really only preliminary. Unmet expectations are the big problem here. For example, now you believe that the documents entitle you to 1/3—even that can be a problem if you start counting on this gift. If your parent continues to live and spend every last dollar of their money ... 1/3 of zero is zero.

You can’t contest your mother’s will while she is still alive. Do you want POA? Do you want medical or legal POA? Both are nightmares. Imagine being solely responsible for life-and-death healthcare decisions—what if you are questioning the medical providers’ recommendations? What if your siblings don’t agree with the legal or financial decisions you are making and they decide to challenge you legally? Do you want to be the caretaker? These are very difficult jobs and the legal scrutiny in many states, after the fact, if challenged, may not be paid for out of the estate. Accordingly, this responsibility could break you financially, even if you do everything right.

How could you be upset based on the principal of the split if you know you get 1/3? You were to get 1/3 before and 1/3 now. Keep in mind that you shouldn’t even really know about this percentage until after their death. They told you this to make you feel secure, that you were still getting an equal share. Why would you want to rock the boat and make them wonder if you care more about their money than them?

If you are upset about not being the executor… think again. I am an executor and this has been a disastrous nightmare in my life. Imagine packing up and cleaning up every last item, especially if you love them so deeply. Throwing out their clothes, donating artifacts from your childhood or their personal treasures. This is a highly charged emotional journey of pain. The executor gets a small monetary fee which doesn’t begin to cover the amount of work and toil that’s required. You should be grateful if they named one of your siblings- instead of you- for this horrific task.

Imho, you should not have been excluded. However, this does happen. I had one friend (she has since passed away relatively early at age 75) who was her mother's caregiver and PoA, but abruptly her siblings pulled her off of everything. Prayers sent.

You need to follow your gut instincts - if you feel something is wrong with this situation there probably is! Secrecy is employed when someone is up to no good. I have to wonder if your parents have assets worth this subterfuge?
It's a pretty well known fact that at the end of life those physically closest to you and most involved in your life have an easier time getting advantageous treatment in your will. Right now, there may be an even split, but give the siblings time to work on your parents and this may change. Especially if they live to an advanced age or become seriously ill - they are more malleable then. You did say they are already declining.
There are plenty of people on here who say this shouldn't be about the money, but to many people being well-treated in the will equates to the love you believe that parent feels for you. Whether that's right, wrong or whatever then it doesn't matter if that's how you feel, because being cut out by scheming siblings hurts! And once your parents are gone, there's no way to fix that kind of emotional pain.
The other consideration is how your parents will be treated if your siblings are scheming. I've been on this board long enough to equate money-grabbing relatives with poor care for those in their charge. Medical issues are neglected, sometimes deliberately. Parents are left dirty and unfed, sometimes even physically abused. Happened to one of my relatives, but I didn't realize it until it was too late - as many other seniors, she protected her abusers. She lied and covered up for them, making up excuses of slipping and falling to explain her bruises.
I have no siblings, but have been in a similar situation with my step-mother. She married many men and took them all to the cleaners, then helped them into the grave. I saved my dad from her and it was the most difficult and exhausting fight of my life - but my dad's life depended on it.
My husband also had this problem with his siblings. It's a very painful position to be in.
Many of these devious people use the same tactic, so be aware - they try to cut you off from the parent as much as possible. If that's happening to you - and I believe it's already started, considering you were left in the dark on these major decisions and they were upset because you simply asked questions - you have another red flag.
My only suggestion is to talk to your parents about this situation - very, very calmly. You said their mental conditions are deteriorating. Can you assess if they are still competent enough to understand the potential consequences of putting your siblings in charge of their health and their finances? If they are not competent you need to take action. It will be a lot easier said than done. A starting point might be to go to the attorney who made up the previous documents if he/she is not the same attorney who wrote the current ones. If your parents had a long-standing relationship with the previous attorney they may be able to set you in the right direction.
Best of luck to you - you will need to be stronger than you know if your choose to pursue this.

I am on the other side of this coin...My mother started to show signs of mental decline at an early age (late 60's).  She was getting lost while driving, showing up at my house during a work week morning thinking it was a Saturday, etc... I made an appointment for her and she was diagnosed with dementia and failed two simulated driving tests.  I had to start managing everything from cutting her grass, picking up meds, filling pill dispensers, making doctor appointments, house repairs, grocery shopping, etc.  I have my own home, family and full time job.  It just about killed me and I called my brother, who is a nurse, who is younger than me and my neighbor and told him we needed to create a schedule so that all of the responsibility wasn't falling on me.  We could trade off taking care of things by the week or by the month, I didn't care, but he needed to do his share as I was not an only child.  He went into a RAGE and told me he didn't have to do anything and then started with the name calling and what not.  I hung up on him and we didn't speak for 3 years.  Meanwhile, I was still managing our mother with dementia.  I took her to a lawyer and we drew up paperwork for me to be POA financially and medically.  We listed my adult daughter and my brother as backup if I am not capable.  I had to sell moms house and car and most of her household things and move her into assisted living.  I have never been so stressed in my life. Things are much easier to manage now that she doesn't have a home for me to maintain.  My brother and I now speak, but I have not "explained" anything to him.  If he is not going to help, I don't feel I owe him any sort of explanation.  Now we are on year 10 and he talks to her when he feels like it and we go on.  When mom passes, if there is anything left, as executor of her will, I will more than likely charge a fee for the task of managing all of this.  I can't remember, but think the lawyer said 20% was standard. Then whatever is left will be split between the two of us.

Sorry for being long winded, but I wanted to get across that sometimes there are reasons for lack of communication and it may not be related to greed.  You mention that you became "friends" with your parents but you don't mention providing care or taking on any responsibilities.  Were you trying to take some of these things on and having issues and maybe that's why your sister had to move closer and take things over?  I feel like we're missing some information...

This is a common tactic tutilized in a family, by one or more psychologically manipulative family-members, where one person, is scapegoated, excluded and/or vilified, whilst the others are manipulated into ganging-up against that individual.
In your case, you've been deliberately excluded, whilst the others are not. In these situations, it's often difficult to discern who is running the manipulations, is it a sibling, a parent or a team of one or both parent(s) + one or more siblings?

Typically the exclusion matches a lifelong pattern of one-covert-family-member orchestrating manipulations targeted against a scapegoat.

The dynamics often will rotate the targeted scapegoat; but, typically, needs at least one sibling teamed with one parent. Which, as mentioned, makes it difficult to pinpoint who is controlling the manipulations, is it a sibling, parent(s), or a team comprised of both?

Is it possible to emotionally detach to view this as an opportunity to escape? since remaining in that situation will maintain its psychologically manipulative status quo ...

All in all, the solution sits in silently emotionally exiting that situation;
Why? Because reasoning with manipulative ______ never "works."
Why?-->they'll manipulate you into believing their bullshit, and/or they'll deny everything whilst blaming you.
Their goal typically is to keep you in place, positioned as their psychological punching bag.

A silent physical exit, will most protect you, b/c anything you say, will be twisted/used against you. Gather your plants, pets, photos and offspring as you exit. Block everything on social media. Be done with their b.s.

I agree with some of the others: count your blessings. If there is not a large amount of money at stake, you are better off not getting into all the details. I know I would gladly give up my whole inheritance (worth less than $1k, probably) to not have to deal with my Mom's unrealistic ideas of how to "fairly" deal with her "estate." Her detailed description of the division of her stuff will be nearly impossible to accomplish. My sisters and I are worried about how much it will cost us to get rid of all the stuff nobody wants.

A little bit more info if Annie won't mind my sharing it -

The documents - the new will and the POA documents - were left lying around in the parents' home on the dining table in plain view, Annie noticed them and naturally enough scan-read them to see what they were; and then as she states above they (her parents?) were upset when she (again, naturally enough) wanted to read them fully and understand the plan.

I expect that on this one occasion they were upset because they were embarrassed. They had trotted off to see their lawyer, received the documents, and then let the cat out of the bag, all without consulting you, and they were probably half-aware that really this was an issue that needed to be discussed in a practical way with all three of their children and not just scrambled through. So they will have felt partly guilty and partly foolish, and - again, I expect - they'd probably rather talk about almost anything else.

However.

There is the Need To Know basis for sharing information.

None of you needs to know what's in their will; now you do know, all the same, that their estates will be divided equally between the three of you; there really isn't any concern there. Leave it be.

The power(s) of attorney are different, though, because these will affect what authority each of you has to support their future care and carry out their preferences.

So: who is the primary caregiver?
What responsibilities are anticipated?
What is the remit of the power of attorney, and what sort of POA is it?

These are reasonable questions to ask. You should be included in the Need To Know circle.

I sympathise with and can share the experience of trying to work with a sibling in these circumstances. It can be extremely stressful and painful.

But. You go on to explain that you don't trust your sister, you believe her to be greedy, selfish and uncaring whereas you yourself are loving, caring and selfless.

Well, now. What would your sister say?

Go back to your original post, this part: "Now they are physically and mentally declining and my sister has moved close to help care for them. Things changed once she returned and now she has been assigned both power of attorney and executor of their wills."

Your sister moved back, you say, to help care for them; and in addressing almost at once the issues of their estate and their powers of attorney she was not wrong. These needed to be addressed, and it needed to get done before your parents declined past the point of being able to create powers of attorney. Was that not something that had occurred to you before?

She came back to help, she rolled up her sleeves and got on with it. Why she didn't think it better to include you in the discussion I don't know - do you?

Maybe now, after reading nearly 50 answers, you should forget about the will and focus on your still-living parents, their health and happiness.

Many people are left nothing but memories.

You will get 100% of those! So spend the remaining time with your parents making special ones instead of focusing on hypotheticals of what you will get, you might get, won’t get, might not get, etc.

Time together should be the most valued gift.

To all of you who have replied to my post, I sincerely appreciate all your support and advice. After nearly 2 weeks with this situation on my mind, I've come to the realization that the real issue here is the tension between my sister and I. My worry and concern for my parents and not being able to play a part in their care and end of life decisions is very unsettling and magnified by the lack of closeness, trust, and being able to discuss things with my sister. But I also realize that a lot can happen in the years to come and the future is uncertain. Worrying about what may or may not happen or when it might happen is not in my control and I need to focus on the time I have left with my parents and do what I can to help them.