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I had a severely abusive childhood.by both parents, when I was old enough I left to establish my own life. When I was twenty four and just recently married, my mother decided to leave my father for another man, but the new man in her life didn't want my little sisters so she dropped my three little sisters at my door and took off. My new husband and I raised them along with my two infant sons for 8 years. She destroyed my life, because it was so hard my husband and I divorced. I haven't heard from her in 35 years until her second husband died recently and left her with no money so she calls out of the blue after finding my phone number on the net saying the state will put her in a home if she has no where to go. So now she is living with me and trying to be "the good mother" she never was and trying to run my house, telling me when to eat and etc., she wants me to be her constant companion since the loss of her second husband. I do not feel obligated to her although I have tried for the last four months to please her. I am sixty years old and she is eighty she is exhausting me.She is independent and can get around but she does'nt want to do anything by herself. I have never had any help from her, nor did she ever come to the birth of my children or send them anything. When my sons came to visit they did'nt know who she was, but she wanted to be called grandma. This is sick, when I confronted her on several occasions about the abuse and leaving her children with me she claims she does not remember doing that. Meanwhile, my sisters are doing fine but want nothing to do with her and she says she does not understand why. She lived her life and did what she wanted but she has always destroyed mine and now she is dependent on me and keeps telling me I am a good girl. What????? I put myself through law school raised my two sons and her 3 daughters, never remarried because of too much baggage, have a beautiful home and recently retired thinking now I can travel and live my life but now here she is after 35 years moved in with me on a $600.00 SS check and again ruining my life.

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Please do not get sucked into taking care of your mom. You can be an excellent daughter from afar if you want to be. Sounds like mom didn't save for her future or old age.
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Have Medicare or Medicaid take over. She will ruin your life in ways that others have described and based on her monthly income, you are going to get stuck financially supporting her at some level. When my mom came to live with me gas electric and water increased. She would wear a short sleeved shirt and have the heater on or if not the heater she would be complaining about how cold she was even though I explained blankets etc. Its not that she was mean she has Alzheimers and just never had to worry about these sorts of things. I am divorced and self supporting so I do worry about these things. I had a dysfunctional family and i was in alot of therapy because of that; it helped me let go, set boundaries etc etc. Make sure you let medi cal medicaid know that you yourself are in your 60's and do not have the physical strength to care for your mom as she ages; don't explain you want to spend your golden years living your life. Although you can say you are not able to financially support her.....good luck. move on this soon and let us know how it all progresses!
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Tina, your mom can't ruin your life now unless you allow that to happen. I agree with everything Jeanne said above and I hope you will act on her advise.

Let me remind you that your mom can qualify for subsidized senior housing. She can qualify for Medicaid, if she hasn't already, which will cover her medications and medical. She can qualify for food stamps and other assistance with her utilities.

What she can't qualify for and never has qualified for is the title of Mother. She's just a woman who had four children, you being one of them, and then left you holding the bag to raise three of them.

You need to find the courage to tell her that you've changed your mind and want to continue your life as it was before she moved in. You will help her get moved and that's the best you can do.

If you need help with this, get a good therapist. That you find yourself trying to please her makes me feel that the child in you is still wanting some validation from her. That she can't remember the abuse and dumping her 3 youngest on you tells me you will NEVER get anything from her except more BS and disappointment.

Do the right thing for you. She never will. Love and Hugs, Cattails
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Tina, forgive your mother if you are so inclined for your sake. And then throw her out! Seriously, you need to now do what is good for you. Having her live in your home is NOT good for you, for your self-esteem, for your relationships with the children you raised, for the dreams you have of a post-retirement life.

She has a sense of entitlement, but she is NOT entitled to live with you and treat you like a companion.

You sound like an extremely intelligent, capable person. When she called and said she has no money and the state will put her in a home, why on earth didn't you say, "Let me know your address when you get settled so I can send a card once in a while." I know that even intelligent, capable people make mistakes. You sound strong enough to be able to correct this.

The "state" surely isn't going to put her into a nursing home if she has no medical needs. Social Services will probably find her subsidized housing. That sounds perfectly appropriate to me. Get that ball rolling. Surely with your skills you can help her down that avenue. You raised three of her children for eight years and she doesn't remember it?!! I think you have more than done your family duties.

She wouldn't like subsidized senior housing? THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. She lived her life the way she chose and the consequences are all hers.

Please look in Discussion section for a thread called
"Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore."

It has grown very long -- maybe 200 posts in about a month -- but I'm sure you will find it very interesting and relevant.

Good luck to you.
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Well said Jane B! Forgiveness doesn't mean mom can stay! It means that you have accepted her unacceptable behavior long enough, Ok she's probably had some bad treatment along the way that attributes to her acting the way she does, and you've decided it time to tell yourself what a deserving person you are and it time to pamper you. You've accepted the fact that your never, no matter what, going to get any good treatment, appreciation for all you do, not even an atta girl! You've "hit the wall" or let's put it this way "the elevator has reached the top floor"! You realize she has other options and you're ready to seek them! Forgiveness means your no longer allow her free rent in your brain! Every word from your mouth is no longer about her! You have forgiven her! Now it's about you!
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So true! If we keep looking for those Kudos from these people, it will be a 24/7 disappointment! At some point, we must realize it is us who must make the change if we are to have any peace in this life. We can't make the change unless we accept the facts, forgive (notice I didn't say forget) and move on. Now that's not to say that we need to continuously revolve around them and keep trying to make them happy! No that's not what I'm saying. And, I agree with you, most all of us here have had bad treatment, not only as children but have picked bad partners because of treatment we received as children. So...unless we change in some way....it continues!!! Now you see, we are caretakers!!!!!

So while I totally agree that it is definately easier said than done, we have to start somewhere! It used to make me very angry when someone would tell me to forgive so and so! I'd just want to scream! But what choice do we have if our lives are to be better. It's very likely that no one is going to knock at my door and ask what they can do for me today! I've got to do it myself with whatever tools are available to me. I just can't keep running back to the well after it has run dry!

Love your last sentence: Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves!!
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So true libracat. Forgiveness is to ourselves and not for the other person.
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I am all for forgiveness. But forgiving this mother does not need to include letting her live in the same home with you, Tina. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean that you let her once again define your life by her desires. You can honestly and truly, fully forgive her and still say, "Sorry -- if a state home is your only option, it's your only option. My home is no longer open to you." There doesn't need to be a crisis for you to say this. Simply that it's not working, and she has thirty days notice to find other quarters.
You can't argue with reality. Well, you can -- but reality always wins. Your mother isn't going to listen to reason, isn't going to care for anyone but herself. It won't be easy to move her out. But it will be soul sucking not to. I hope you feel the encouragement of everyone here to get her out of there, and reclaim your life.
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Hi Golfgirl, I agree but easier said than done - hard to forgive or even like someone who has put you through terrible treatment......but you are right: forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves!
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Another point! Let's talk about forgiveness! Someone me
ntioned that in one of the above posts! Now I hear you all nah, nah, nah!!! Forgivness is for our benefit! We forgive them to get them out of our heads so that we can go on with our lives. If we continue harboring those thoughts of "look what they did to me", we'll just stay stuck where we are! We must move on and enjoy our own lives! Let the past die! We can't have a positive life when we have a negative mind! I say forgive and move on with your life!
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Regrets are a dime-a-dozen. You can gather them up in any corner your seek for them. Let it go. You've done enough ...and enough is enough! Now it's your turn. Your mother had her chance and she muffed it. You can't keep sweeping up behind her. Tell her its time she found her own way and go book that holiday girlfriend.
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You are 60. Do you honestly want to give up all your dreams you've worked so hard for, knowing that you can never turn back the clock with your mother? Honestly hon, you deserve the life and dreams you have left. I would just lay your cards on the table with your mother about the life you deserve and that she needs to find her own way....and go live your dreams!!
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Tina - I totally agree with my fellow posters. Mom needs to live somewhere else. And, you can visit her (if you so desire). She is lucky to have such a successful daughter. You deserve to have the plans you made for yourself.
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Tina, I'm a bit late in reading your post as I see it is 5 days old. After reading it I have to respond. First of all you must be a very competent person to have accomplished getting a law degree and raising your siblings as well as your own children on your own. Secondly, you mentioned being abused by both your parents. I think those of us who have suffered any degree of abuse as children feel responsible for almost everything and everybody. I too suffered from childhood abuse - in a covert sort of way! No beatings or outward trama but much bettlitting, condesending behavior causing me to feel inferior and "less than." I had to be perfect. Which, as we all know, is impossible for a child. I could go on about this but that's not the purpose.

Tina my suggestion to you would be to stand at the mirror and tell yourself how great you really are. You need to hear that from yourself. Those of us here could tell you until the cows come home that we think your super but until you tell yourself and believe it yourself, nothing will change. You mentioned that you are 60 years old and your mother is 80. Guess what, your mother could outlive you! I've said before that we get what we tolerate! I know that sounds trite but believe me, it's very true. I've been in therapy most of my adult life trying to put up with unacceptable behavior. Nothing ever changed until I changed and did what I needed to do for myself. Not easy but necessary!

Sounds to me like your mom needs to move out! She is not your responsibility. Medicare takes care of the indigent. I know it's hard but you have to take care of you. If you don't, no one else will. These people try to throw the guilt around and being the caretakers we are, we assume it's our responsibility! The good news is - it's not. My mom gives me the "look what I've done for you" line all the time. She is my mother and she brought me into this world! She had responsibility for me to some degree. She put me to work at 17 because I had to help with the household and learn some responsibility. That's exactly what I learned! Responsibility and caretaking! So, stop listening to your mom and start listening to yourself. You are a smart woman and you don't need to live like this. Being a lawyer, I'm sure you know how to research an appropriate living situation for your mom. Then do what you choose for her but I see no reason to be her slave! Forget what she says! To thine own self be true!
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I am no where near the type of situation you are in but it seems to me that maybe you should re-think your decision. I realize yes its your mother but maybe putting your family, however old they are, into that situation is not good for any of you, especially you. Maybe the state needs to go ahead and take over from here. I don't mean to be cold but you reap what you sow. Besides, no one is stopping you from visiting her in a home everyday if you want, but you deserve a great reitrement. It seems you have worked very hard for it and deserve to be happy. Good luck to you all.
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Tina, also, there are some really sad stories on this site. You are going to here from some people who have lived what you are living. There is much to learn. Some interesting stuff there. It helped me alot. Some will tell you to forgive and forget and God Bless you and this and that but in reality only those who live with people like this can truly understand the damage they are capable of doing. And it is up to you to learn how to survive their abuse. Hugs to you.
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You have accomplished much for someone from such a terrible upbringing. You deserve to live your "golden years" as you may. Your mother was not there for you, why should she expect you to be there for her?

Where is your father? What a sad story this is. I am amazed you went to law school and finished. My daughter is a lawyer and I know how hard this can be. Use some of the logic they taught you and turn off the emotion. You mother is unfit and was when she abandoned your sisters. What does she mean she can't remember dropping them off with you? You owe her nothing.

Make other arrangements for her to live somewhere else. And plan a nice trip. Also, I suspect your mother has many personality or mental problems. It may be best to disassociate with her or at least put up big wide boundaries.

Good luck to you, my heart breaks when I read stuff like this. Some of these parents think they can give birth and that automatically guarantees loyally by all the poor children they have birthed. It is just not that way for most of us.

Please give yourself permission to go on with your life. God bless you and I wish you well. Go Travel!!!
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Welcome Tina12345. You have just described me as well as my mother. I'm sorry to hear about your situation but I must prepare you: get ready for lies, denial, manipulation and bullying - yes, at your age, and I am your age too - as long as she is ensconced in your home.
I once asked my mother why my sibling and I were always in the wrong, hit, blamed, punished by her and not protected from the criminal punishment from my father, and why she stayed with him for so long. First she denied anything bad ever happened, then she said it was not her fault, then changed the subject.
If she is like my mother she will have a huge sense of entitlement and feel that she is owed something by you (your caring for HER now) even though she has done the terrible things she has done, but those will be denied and long forgotten. This is a terrible situation to be in and I know, for I live it every day.
People this age - especially if they have lived through the Depression - believe that they have suffered enough and are now entitled to only the very best of care and unless you are prepared to be her "whipping boy", lackey or servant you have to act quickly.
This morning my husband asked me for something and my mother pipes up, laughing, and says (to me) Hahahaha - who was your slave last year?? Well, I was hers, and have been for 3 1/2 yrs. because she will NOT pay to go to a NH or ALF.
You're going to have to dig deep and find that inner strength that will allow you to reverse the abusive demands she has put on you and to let you live your own life. Don't give her any fuel or ammunition, don't share anything that can be turned or used against you. Only last week when I mentioned that I was tired because I had been on my feet all day here at home looking after everything, she says "You don't have a life". Yes I DO but it all revolves around YOU!!
Mine won't do anything for herself either unless it is shopping, the bank of the hairdresser....she hasn't washed her own hair in 50 yrs. and won't even let the bathing lady do it because "my hair has to be set in rollers after and she won't do it right". She had all her teeth pulled because she wouldn't brush them and she just let them rot until dentures had to be put in. She never shaved under her arms or legs either, because "I'm so fair - nobody will notice it".
She tells people that she is "not allowed" in the kitchen but that is so she won't have to bother making herself anything. If I pass her door, it's "Oh, you're up, you can bring me a couple of bottles of water". She can, and should, get them herself!! But, you see, because of their inflated sense of importance, they'd rather be waited on - why do it herself if she can get somebody else to do it for her?
Forget about trying to please this person ......not gonna work. I strongly suggest you read some of the posts on here about narcissism and realize that these people are beyond help and thrive for bullying others. It's all about them and their need for control.
If she was an abuser then, she IS an abuser now. May the Lord bless and help you.
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