We are asking my wife's Mother to pay us $2000 a month to live in our home and be taking care of 24/7. Any opinion?

There is so much I could say but won't. I will say it induces great upsetness to hear others say that having a parent pay their way is wrong and that children should not take any money from them and allow them to live for free. My mom lives with my husband and I. There is a real realized cost just in food, electricity, cable TV, utilities, extra heat because she is cold all the time, transportation which causes wear and tear on the car, plus added fuel, and a lot of time which I give fully and freely with no cost attached. We have asked my mom to pay us a reasonable amount to offset the costs. It is a fraction of what her monthly living expenses were living alone. Maybe there are some who can afford to have their parent live with them for no cost, but we cannot and although my mom really resents paying us it is necessary if we are going to continue to care for her, or we are all going to be looking for different living arrangements and who is that going to help? What that dollar figure comes to is each family's business based upon their personal situation. I am realizing having some sort of a care contract that is official is necessary and am in the process of doing this right now. I too have other family members who for very valid reason cannot plug into caring for my mom. In my mom's case she is still putting money in the bank each month from social security. All that aside, it costs everyone something to live and that is the bottom line. As difficult as it is at times, it is an honor caring for my mom and I do not want to get paid for my time. Thankfully my husband and I are both self employed farmers. we are home but not home as our days can be 12-14 hour work days, but can pop in and out of the house several times a day to check on my mom. We do not have the funds to support my mom as well as ourselves. There are no other options.

"counselors, nurses, doctors, dietitians, administration staff members"? When you are the sole caregiver you are all those things and cook and chauffeur and maid and laundress and gardener and handyman the list goes on and on and on. Those of you that are situated for your own retirement that is wonderful, but most of us are not in that position.

I did Everything Mother needed,wanted or required and it was an honor to give her the care after all she did for me throughout my lifetime.I would never dream of charging her money but she herself bought food sometimes and she paid a few bills.

Not enough info here to give an opinion. I take care of my husband 24/7 without any help. He is in Stage 3 of Alzheimer's and requires a lot of work. With meds, bathing, cleaning, special meals, doing all the shopping, keeping doctor and hospital appointments and the sole keeper of running the house, I figure it runs me about $250 a week---conservatively. Two thousand a month may be pricey considering $500 a week even if 24/7 care is involved. Sounds like your wife's mother is of sound mind since she seems to resent "being taken advantage of." Comparing the cost of a nursing home is unfair because nursing homes need to pay counselors, nurses, doctors, dietitians, administration staff members, etc., while making bottom-line profits. Probably some honest soul searching needs are required as to how much care and expense is needed for mother-in-law. She should not be looked upon as a Mother Golden Goose whether she has the means to pay or not.

ladylee1115: Why will the OP have to claim utilities, cable, insurance, transportation expense, groceries, laundry since it's NOT the elder's home?

Its alot to give up, 2000.00 a month is not that much for long term care. Now if she does not need help with her ADL's and house work, and if she drives, then she should just pay 1/3 of all the house expenses. Thats considering that only three people are living in the house.

Truthbetold, I have no links to suggest, sorry. Mom is only on something mild to help her with anxiety, though I am sure a yellow Skittle would be just as effective. LOL. My parents never took meds, preferring holistic methods instead. I don't know what Medicaid dictates in regards to meds, and it is too far down the road for us to spend time/energy worrying about it. We are at the stage of "if Mom wants ice cream for breakfast, then ok, ice cream it is!" She is happy and not in pain....and that's all we care about at this stage of her life.

kdcm 1011, All I can say is wow. I thought I didn't need gov assistance for my parents because they have a primary home plus a small rental property that hopefully will bring in $2000 per month profit after expenses. I HOPE they TOO will live long and healthy. Problem is my relatives and a new brother in law that just married into our family have the position that they WANT my parents on Medicaid insisting they have full blown dementia which is NOT true yet.
We always believed in holistic health and they too may live well into their 90's. I got them off all medications and they are doing great now that we stay far away from medical based protocols.
So I don't want Medicaid to dictate their care and hope their property will last to fund their care. The problem is that my parents thought they would be leaving something behind for their kids and grandkids and like you said, their care, should anything become complex, will cost $10,000 for just one person!
Won't Medicare be sufficient? They did gift the rental to me and my siblings years ago but the 5 yr window isn't up yet. I believe in spending money in improving their health and preventive tried and true natural lifestyle protocols. They need more assistance so I'm wondering how to budget WITHOUT compromising their health or fun times. Can you point or share any good links discussing how to be independent of Medicaid?

Care expenses will only increase. 10 years ago, Mom had over $1M in stocks, $300K in cash and monthly income from a pension & SS. She has needed ever-increasing care for the past 6 years and now is in a VA nursing home at the cost of $10.5K/month. Add to that a private aide (who has been with her for the 6 years) at another $500/wk and she is steadily blowing thru all her assets. Thank God my parents had the foresight to plan for this, though I am sure neither imagined it would be this expensive! She is 96 and is so healthy it is unbelievable....her own mom lived to 99, which we think she will surpass. We never thought she would be Medicaid eligible; we have now changed our minds and keep VERY detailed records. We figure her money will last another 4 years if we are careful.

ff, the rentals are doing awesome. The smaller house will likely need a cosmetic makeover when these tenants move but he is greats and does a lot of upkeep on his own. The roof is only a few years old and the home is solid.

The larger house just rented out a year ago to...ge this... an assisted living facility. They signed a two year lease and did a bunch of modifications - at their own expense - and I don't see them going anywhere for ten years. This house also has a new roof and somewhat new HVAC.

Mom2Mom, The elder's intractable opinion regarding inheritance/legacy can limit options. And heaven knows, unless they are Officially Declared incompetent, they are in charge of their moldy money.

My widowed mother had over $500K in savings, investments and real estate. No mortgages, no liens. Monthly income from was about $2K. Aside from taxes and marginal upkeep on real estate, mom's only expenses were groceries, utilities and car/health/LTC insurance.

Lonnnnng story, but mom refused to get a diagnosis for mobility and dexterity deterioration (not to mention her cognitive slips). Why? She "married into" these assets when she married her 2nd husband. And he'd been promising "all this" to his kids for their whole lives. Long before he met my mother. And after.

After mom was widowed, she would not spend one penny of that nest egg on her own care. She would not spend anything to make her home safer RE her physical limitations. Nor would she unload properties -- to make life easier -- and invest the cash.

Mom also would not set foot in a specialist's office where....she'd get a diagnosis...there might be treatment....there would more likely be a doctor's order for home care or facility care. Which, with mom's hefty assets, would start with private pay. Then she'd switch to Medicaid -- after all assets are drained and Medicaid put liens on the properties. Then she'd drop dead, and there'd be no inheritance for her late husband's adult children.

Instead, mom stagnated and deteriorated in place (I mean, aged in place). Lived only on her income. She'd pay for necessities, make outrageous religious donations, and sit on her hands until the next month. With her head firmly in the sand regarding everything else. And mom would lean on me & her sister & neighbors to fill some of the gaps.

Yep....Mom knew all about the Medicaid 5-year (or is it 7?) look-back. But lacked the adaptability to explore ways to shelter the assets. And lived in constant fear that her late husband's kids would "put her out" and seize everything while she was still alive. (But didn't fear it enough to give me -- her only offspring -- DPOA and HCPOA. Cuz God forbid I would put mom's safety and my sanity first. Instead, mom assigned those powers to one of the step-sibs.)

It's all over now. Somewhat. Mom death was a direct result of insisting that she live alone in an unsuitable home with no adaptations and no skilled help. Back when step-dad was alive, he was kind enough to include me in their wills. Estate is being divided equally by a number of people that makes the net unremarkable. Investment properties aren't selling, because they were poorly managed by 2 ailing senior citizens for the past 10 years. We're lucky to have found a buyer for the primary home, which had absolutely no updates for the past 60 years.

Yep. Many, many seniors have full agency over their money. For better or for worse.

Mom2Mom, sounds like your Mom would have enough for the next 10 years. Thank goodness she invested and banked her money. This helps take the worry stress about money off your shoulders.

How are the rental properties doing? Are the properties in great shape or are they aging? The tenants are paying on time? If there are excellent tenants that's a plus.

Wow, that is a lot. I am going to have to do some research for my area. Hopefully it is not as expensive as CT. But, even considering the worst case scenario, her money should last about 10 years. Is my math right?

Mom2Mom, I was always worrying about if my late Dad would have enough funds if he lived another 5 or 10 years [he was already in his 90's]. So I was keeping copies of invoices/checks just in case down the road Medicaid was needed, and that 5 year financial look back.

It all depends on where one lives regarding the cost of Independent Living, Assisted Living, or having caregivers at home. I remember my Dad was pay $20k per month, yes per month, for private Agency home care around the clock. Then he moved into Independent Living and brought along two of his morning caregivers [which gave him a routine seeing a familiar face each morning] and that cut the cost in half.

Later down the road Dad moved into Assisted Living at $6k per month, plus he had his same paid morning caregivers but shorter hours as the Staff was doing more of the work. Dad really enjoyed where he was living, had zero complaints. He enjoyed the friendship of other fellows closer to this age, and the 3 would eat all their meals together. And he liked the idea there was a Nurse on duty 24 hours.

So it all depends on what the parent wants to do. Some prefer not to move out of their home, I couldn't get my late Mom to budge plus she refused caregivers. A serious fall landed her in a nursing home for her final three months at a cost of $15k per month. My Dad was the opposite, he couldn't wait to get out their house and move some place elder friendly [no stairs].

So, nursing home care in Connecticut is costing my mom $12000 per month. So, you'd be paying out 4-6000 per month from her savings to cover, and remember, prices will go up.

The contract is a good idea, even if Medicaid is never going to be needed. I keeps everything aboveboard and transparent.

OK, separate question but on light of the second half of your response to me. I have not priced care options is this area because, frankly, I am hoping I never have to put Mom in one. But, seeing as her income is $8,000 a month and she has approx. $750,000 - 800,000 in assets (cash, investments and real estate) do you ever see a point where she would even become Medicaid eligible? I know I should have a care contract just in case but how likely is it that it would even come into play?

komentaightor, I guess what I was trying to say is this. One opinion on the idea of having a parent pay when they come to live with you is that we should not accept any money because, after all, we owe our parents for raising us.

And, I agree that if a parent duly needs us and has no means, we should do what we can out of familial responsibility.

But, in my case, having my mother hear has totally disrupted our lives and finances AND, she has plenty of means to help out financially and compensate us for the additional financial burden and for our care.

When she live "on her own" she was paying for her utilities and food as well as my very expensive, do nothing brother. Their food bill was easily $500 a month for most months and often more. I know she paid too much for everything and on top of that, she spent a lot on his needs. She was spending just a wee bit more than she brought in.

When she moved in win us, we rented her house out for $2400/mo so that increased her income while at the same time, lowered her expenses (no utilities, not feeding her son etc.). So, now, even after paying the caregivers and us, she is able to sock a little money away each month. And this is after adding a car payment for a $30,000 lift van that she really needed.

So, she is able to pay us and we have made sacrifices that $800 a month does not begin to cover so why not have her pay her way?

Adding to what komentaightor wrote, you should also increase the caregiver hours to overnight. After all, it appears Mom certainly does have the income formit.

Mom2Mom, this makes no sense whatsoever: "prior to Mom coming to live with us, I was moving money from savings every other month to cover her financial shortfalls. Now she is banking about $3-4K a month....what does she need all this money for? Well, to leave an inheritance for the four of us kids - three of whom don't call, visit or care for her." This will only sow seeds of dissension between 4 siblings the moment she dies. Do you have an official Care Contract, If ever your mother goes into a home for 24/7 care, that will be the first thing Medicaid will ask for. Go to a lawyer now, negotiate a good contract and assign the monthly banked amounts towards the cost of future residential care. You do not want to find yourselves paying for it.

I don't think it is greedy or wrong to take money from parents in exchange for care and housing.... if the care/housing given is a fair exchange for the amount collected.

I also don't see anything wrong with providing care and housing for parents without charge if that is right for your family.

In my situation, I look at what myself and my family have given up and will give up I the future and compare it to what Mom can afford and also compare that to what she would pay if she were to live somewhere else.

My mother brings in approx. $8000 a month between pensions (hers and Dad's) Soc Sec and rents collected from two houses she owns.

We pay caregivers $1600 a month to come in 40 hours per week. We ask Mom to contribute $800 a month towards our higher utilities (we had to buy a new house that has double the square footage, thereby double utilities), higher mortgage, higher property taxes, etc. What we didn't factor in is the 128 hours a week that I have to care for her. Yes, I get to sleep at night but that is small consolation when she rings and wakes me up in the middle of the night and I have to work the next day.

I digress. In our case, prior to Mom coming to live with us, I was moving money from savings every other month to cover her financial shortfalls. Now she is banking about $3-4K a month.

So, what does she need all this money for? Well, to leave an inheritance for the four of us kids - three of whom don't call, visit or care for her.

When she first came to us, she was living much more independently. Now, she needs near constant care, help with bathing, feeding, toileting.

After reading this thread, I am contemplating renegotiating and asking for more money.

Deanofinsetti, ?? greedy? $2000 per month is $500 per week or $66 per day, covering all heat, light, food, transport, extra clothing, laundry, nursing, company and - a human presence 24/7. Put these figures in front of other family members and ask them to source an alternative that would be cheaper - it can only be done if your mother goes into a purpose-built facility that is on a scale large enough to make the per person cost cheaper.
In the end, it's not about money at all, but about wear and tear on you and your own family, the absence of a social life and the constant worry. Now ask a sibling to step in for to weeks while you take a family holiday!! Check their reaction.
then go to a lawyer and draw up a Care Contract.

littletonway; I cared for my parents and my disabled relative for years at a time, and don't have any soc security built up for my own retirement now.

gtemple, my parents were very fugal their whole lives being the children of the Great Depression... one income [Dad's].... and they lived below their means. And they had fun doing that :)

My parents have taught me to do the very same thing. So I am now ready in case I need to go into Independent Living or Assisted Living.

gtemple: Simmer down. You're posting on something from February.

PLEASE! Let's dispel that myth:
..... "your parent took care of you as a child, with no pay....you can do the same for Mom or Pop, for little or nothing".
1. Parents caring for a child, is not even on the same page, much less in the same league, as taking care of an aging, infirm elder, in an adult-size body.
Much less one that develops dementia or other debilitating, incapacitating illness requiring full-time care of that adult...for YEARS, not to mention often necessary house renovations to accommodate their needs.
2. A child making messes and acting out, lasts far less long, is usually much smaller, than elder adults' problems.
3. Kids problems are usually far less costly, as well--in time, money, wear-and-tear on the caregivers.
4. When elders also have mental ills, as well as developing elder ills, it can be EPIC.
NO amount of compensation, covers that.
We desperately need real back-up plans, and realistic laws governing how things get allocated. Caregivers simply get thrown under the bus.
$2000 per month? Phfft!
That's very fair if the elder can afford it. They'd otherwise be spending, easily, $7K to $20K in a facility, per month....If not out of their pockets, then out of the State's pockets.
Just make sure there are documents to show how/where/why the money's spent for your elder's care. If you cannot prove necessity of that fee [which is income to you], then the fee must get lowered.
We cared for Mom under our roof. Had cheap rent. thrifty utilities.
We couldn't even justify claiming her as our dependent on taxes, because we were technically not providing half or more of her support, according to legal advice. However, since I'd paid Mom a monthly stipend for years prior to her living with us, she paid me $300/mo., more as a "pay-back of a loan".
But, one of my brothers apparently, was using her former married name, and claiming her as their dependent, even though she never lived under their roof [because they refused]. Totally illegal...but got away with it.
Her behaviors were epically bad. 6 years of that nearly killed both me and spouse..literally. NO ONE in this County, deemed us in need of respite caregiving, refused to admit her anywhere; turned blind eyes to her behaviors, because she has always been a supreme "show timer".
IF you have an elder who can afford $2K to stay with you, that's still very low-cost. Just make sure to allocate it properly, document everything financial and daily care, chaffering, etc...everything.
You will need it.
Keep her funds separate from your funds!
It'd be wise to get a lawyer to draw up papers and advise you, to avoid trouble later!
Don't fall into the mindset of: "this is my loving family...nothing will go wrong"--that's another myth people commonly fall into.

Reading all of these posts are literally making my stomach hurt. I started having my mother here because she didn't want to be alone. Her health was declining somewhat. That was about two months ago. It has turned into 24/7 care. I love my mother dearly. BUT being so judgemental!! I have quit my job to do this. We obviously needed two incomes or I wouldn't have been working! So now we are down my income, I have no health insurance nor can we afford the ungodly amount to purchase it. I can no longer add to my 401k. My husband works 50-60 hours a week. It would cost us 95.00 a week to be on his insurance. Which pays Major Medical only. I have 3 siblings and only one helps immensely with certain things. I'm just not understanding why I'm feeling like a POS and don't care about my mother because we need financial help to keep her here with us verses a NH. I know at 84 she won't be with us a whole lot longer. But when all is said and done, we will be a financial mess. My mother has no idea I'm feeling this way. And she never ever will. But after two months I am an emotional wreck. But I guess I'll just quit worrying about the money.

I'm glad for your father. Not many people have that kind of money

For comparison, my Dad hired professional caregivers from an Agency to take care of him 24-hours a day, and it cost him $20,000 a month.... so $2k per month sounds pretty inexpensive. And my Dad was very easy to care for, all the caregivers loved him :)

I think its a little high. Your mother cared of you for many years. Did she ask that you pay ??? Maybe $1000 a month.

The top response to your question by MaggieMarshall is very important. Without a Caregiver Contract, and records to verify the work that you are doing, your mother's payments to you will be questioned if your mother needs Medicaid in the future, and those transfers could disqualify her.

Ask an elder law attorney to explain all of the options. Was your father a war-time veteran? Aid & Attendance pension can reimburse the veteran's surviving spouse for care expenses, even payments to family members.

Medicaid home care programs in your state may also be available, if your mother's income and assets can be coordinated with the application process.