My mother thinks she would be happy living with one of her children, but knowing my mother I feel that she would not. How should I approach this?

Debralee, your mom is forgetting something important here...it's YOUR house. With the relationship issues you've stated, it'd be a huge mistake to have her live with you. Tell her you love her, you'll help her get settled somewhere and you'll visit but she isn't going to be moving in with you. She can guilt you, rant and rave and do whatever, but you have to be firm. I would never have let my mom live with me just like I will never put that burden on my daughter. You can't be a doormat if you don't allow it.

My mother is the same way only at the moment she is living independently. She thinks that once that is not possible she will automatically move in with me. She is emotionally needy, immature and a codependent personality. She has already expressed the modifications I need to make to my home for her to live there for her added comfort. I finally got up the nerve to tell her there is no way I can manage those modifications even though she would be paying for them. I am hoping she gets the message that living with me would not be beneficial to either of us. I have made attempts to discuss future living arrangements and stress she can well afford to pay for her care and to forget about inheritence. I am not sure she realizes my suttle messages or is just ignoring them. Right now I am dreading when the time comes when she can no longer live independently and must face other living options that does not include my home. She is the type who tries to live her life at her convenience assuming others will take on the responsibilites in providing for those conveniences. I don't mind being a hands off caregiver, but that is my limit. Having suppressed mother/daughter past issues also is a contrubuting factor in my choice.

maybe u should have her come to ur house during the day or have a dinner then take her back to her place . they would like to go bye bye and hang out with families . take her back at bedtime and tell her you ll come back in a few days .
do that instead of moving in with ya .

I agree if you read the posts on the Gross out thread you will find many who wished they did not have their elders move in with them. If she is not happy where she is -she will not be happy with you either-do not call her every day if you dread it-anyone would dread having to go through that every day-she drives you carzy now if she lived with you it would be worse-ask your siblings to call her once in a while-they probably do not for the same reason you dread it and just are not willing to put themselves through it-tell her once how much her conversations bother you and that you will have to hang up if she starts in with the same old thing-you might have to mention to her the only other thing would be a nursing home. She has the best now a place with lots of activities and people around-you can not make her happy when I realized it was not my job to make my late husband happy-I did not feel quility-taking her into your house with her personality would be a big mistake when she has a lovely place to live.

INKY:

I'd poll all your siblings, if only to give them the heads up in case Mom runs a lottery. The grass is always greener on the other side, especially when you're not satisfied with -- or grateful for -- what you have. I do, however, think she's searching for stability rather than keep riding that bumpy rollercoaster of emotions as her children do the best they can to share the huge, draining responsibility of caregiving. Which is the way it should be.

Good luck my friend.

-- Ed

The fact that your Mom is surrounded by people (some of whom are men, I assume) and is not content should tell you that she tries to make others responsible for her happiness. I have often told my Mom that I can do a million things for her, but I cannot make her happy. It also makes me UNhappy to have someone constantly "guilt-tripping" me into doing things I really do not want to do.
Here's my advice, (for whatever it is worth): do not do anything if it is motivated by guilt. Do not move your Mom into your home...your life will no longer be your own. Do your best to "re-direct" negative or repetitive conversation. If she persists, end the conversation politely.
If you feel that your Mom is in a nice, clean, safe place, you are doing your daughterly duty. If your Mom thinks otherwise, that's her issue to deal with.

Your mother is going to have to find her own happiness that is not dependent upon a person. It sounds like her entire life has been built around a significant other so she probably cannot change at this time in her life. What I am really trying to say is that she is choosing to be unhappy, and you cannot force her to change. It is harsh a statement, but I saw this over and over again with my now deceased mother-in-law. No matter what her living conditions were, she did not feel that she received enough attention. She was not happy with anything or anyone no matter what we tried. I hope this is not your situation, but I also hope you can avoid some of the guilty feelings and worry over trying to fix things when you might not be able to do so. Best wishes and stay in touch with all of us.

Lilliput, I failed to mention in my original post that my mother lives in a retirement community where there are activities for her to participate in and plenty of people around to talk to. She does participate in a few of the activities there, but there are many which she refuses to even try. She has a few friends, but says that the people there talk too much and get on her "nerves." Before she moved there, she lived alone and was not happy with that either. I think the real problem is that since my stepdad passed away 7 years ago she has not had a mate and that is what she really misses. She has asked several times if there isn't someone we could introduce her to. She says that we (her children) do not "do right by her" because she does not see us as often as she would like and wants to move in with one of us. As she thinks that would make her "happy," it is therefore our fault that she is not happy because we are not willing to move her in with us. I'm to the point where I don't want to call and talk to her because I'm tired of the constant guilt trip she lays on me, but I'm the only of one of her three children she talks to everyday, so I feel bad if I don't call. Thanks for listening and trying to help. It does help just knowing I'm not alone.

Follow your instincts. You know your mom better than anyone else. I think that it is very difficult to combine two households in the best of circumstances.
When a senior comes to live with you, it consumes your entire life. It is nearly impossible to take vacations or even leave the house. Some people can make it work, some can't.
There should be no guilt involved. You are doing what is best for everyone. Start the dialogue with her about assisted living. The one thing an ALF can provide that most families cannot is social interaction. When a senior lives at home, they often become isolated and depressed.
I hope you find a good solution.