She seems otherwise happy but sleeps more during the day and will not go outside. Getting her to the doctors or to a restaurant is an exercise in patience as she will do nothing to help herself. She has some dementia but says she is happy in "her little corner on the sofa". They have a nice space in our home occupying the master bedroom with an ensuite and have a nice living room. My dad is frustrated with her and they do not spend as much time together as he likes to sit out and enjoy the nice weather, he reads and uses a computer daily. She sits and watches TV and falls asleep. Her health is good, she has a pacemaker but her blood pressure is excellent. Her attitude drives me crazy, she will not participate in anything or even read anymore. I thought she was depressed but apparently that is not the case. She has always had a lazy way about her but now that we are all living in the same house, I remember! She never lifts a finger and her expectations are huge. She uses a walker but could get by with a cane but she does like to play the part of being feeble. She is strong and is becoming aggressive towards my dad. Sometimes I detect a very unclean odor and know she needs to shower. I have helped her with this on occasion, done her hair for her, her nails and helped with her dressing. I am running on empty these days and it is affecting my relationship. My husband has been wonderful but we all have our limits. I have asked them both about going to a seniors center to mix with others seniors like them but my mother will not leave the house unless she is forced and says "maybe one day but I don't know which day". To be away overnight I have to ask my sister to come to town, she lives 3 hours away. My brother lives closer but he works full time and we see little of him. It is stressful. Some days I feel so alone and depressed by the situation and blame myself because they are my parents. We both want to help them but my mother makes this so hard. She is manipulative and has always been a bit of a hypochondriac. She has been lucky all her life as she has been taken care of by my dad and never had to work outside the home. Not like my sister and I who were both single parents with all the associated difficulties. I know that is why I find her attitude so hard to deal with. I have offered all kinds of things that might interest her from knitting to teaching her to use the computer but she doesn't want to. Please give me some suggestions Thank you. By the way, my husband and I are both in our late 60's too!
You're to be commended for taking such good care of your folks. I stay with my folks a few weeks a year and after each visit I'm a maniac for several days. My wife just stays away when I get home.
This is going to get much harder. Can you consider assited living? At the very least line up some respite care so you can get out, take a trip, get away from caregiving.
Is there some reason you say it's not depression? What about an infection or medication reaction? I might rule them out and then explore the dementia issue. I would certainly consider your options if her behavior progresses, since it likely will progress. I don't think most people would be able to care for someone 24/7 who does not walk inside their home. That's a huge responsibility.
Get her a transport chair. Your exercise in patience when you take her out will require more exercise. And less patience. If she's walking very slowly, she may have Parkinsonian symptoms.
They are living with you and have been for a long time. Both getting Social Security. Spend some of that money on respite care. You and hubby take your lives back. Get some rest. Some entertainment. Some diversions.
There's nothing wrong with spending most of one's time on the couch when one is 89 years old.
Have you thought about the idea of a facility where they would both be relatively content? Have you talked to her doctor about the aggression you've witnessed?
You sound very, very burnt out to me. I urge you to let go at least a bit. If mom wants to sit, so be it. Yes, she's going to end up in a nursing home and/or memory care. It's not your fault, neither is it hers.
I would strongly encourage you to have your mom evaluated for both physical and mental decline. Perhaps, getting a proper diagnosis can help you get more support or benefits to help with her care.
Dementia, that can be caused by Alzheimers and other things like Vascular dementia, etc., renders the brain incapable of functioning normally. Even if a person was lazy and selfish their entire life, when they get dementia, the brain is damaged and they are not capable of behaving normally. The past has to be put aside and their needs taken care of. Since, you say there is much baggage, I would try to get some counseling to help you with that. And it sounds like there is so much work taking care of her that you need help with that too. I wish the best with that. You are wise to seek out information and support.
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