Mother sits in her dirty diaper all day. Any advice?

"She wants to live independently".

Independent people either change their own soiled garments or arrange caregivers to do tasks they cannot.

It sounds to me like your Mother is in denial over this issue. If fact, that she is no longer independant - maybe now semi-dependant or even dependant.

My relative described herself as *living alone independently*. But on questioning for a needs assessment, the Social Worker re-labelled her situation as *living alone, dependently*. Wow. That label hit us like a rock! But it was correct.

Have a look with fresh eyes over Mother's whole situation. You may be seeing a small problem with an easy solution or you may be seeing the tip of an iceberg.

First I would stop referring to her disposable undergarments as diapers, especially in front of her, it’s just an association thing but the need for incontinence underwear is hard enough to accept without being reminded you need diapers all the time. Then as someone else suggested I would get her to her PCP for an evaluation and maybe to order a VNA eval for her incontinence. It may very well be that she isn’t feeling that she needs to change or the urge/need to use the bathroom, it isn’t uncommon and there are various causes as well as solutions that could help. Just as important they should check her for UTI and go over the risk of that and how much damage it can do (take away her independence) along with the risk of rash and sores by not changing her underwear often enough. Let an unrelated medical professional go over the need for keeping the area fresh and how to do it, maybe even talk about the various types, choices for incontinence underwear so she can make a choice about what works for her best. Let her off the hook a bit, she may not be on control of this and knowing that it happens more often than people talk about and might even have a solution beyond disposable underwear could give her new hope. This is a tough subject for any older adult but often particularly awkward for a mother and son to deal with so step aside and let someone with more training and experience in this area do the work, have the talk. Maybe between treatment and less threatening or embarrassing conversation her habits will change and this won’t have to be the problem that uproots everyone’s life and maybe not but at least you can feel confident that you did everything possible to help her resolve this problem.

If she is still legally competent, then it's her decision to marinate in this diaper for however long competency lasts.

Lealonnie1 is correct. Your mom can no longer live independently if she continues to sit in her soil for long periods of time.
If you look at age progression and the loss of basic daily care/skills as a normal thingy you'll be able to tackle every step with more objectivity, love and good care. Whether you do it yourself or hire help.
Your mom being "ok" with sitting in her soil IS an 'OMG my mom's sittin' in it! What do I do!!!?' moment. It's also, objectively, an indicator.
If you objectively see each step of progressive deterioration as an indicator, you'll be able to seek the appropriate help she needs in a timely manner. It may reduce the frequency and intensity of the overall negative emotions that come with this gig, it really did for me.
Things are kinda rootin' tootin' at my house with my old mom. Mostly good on a daily basis for us all.

Then she can no longer live independently if she continues to sit in a dirty adult brief all day long. She can have the choice of changing herself, or being changed, every few hours throughout the day, using the toilet every few hours, or moving into Assisted Living and going on the Incontinence program where she'll be changed regardless of whether she wants to be or not.

If she's 'able' to fix herself something to eat, she's also able to go to the bathroom and change her adult brief and/or use the toilet.

If dementia is involved, then a Memory Care AL would be the answer. My mother is checked every 2 hours for a wet brief, and asked if she needs to use the bathroom, so there's no rash or other skin breakdowns to cause huge health concerns. She's even woken up at 5 am for the exact same reason, and then goes back to sleep. It's THAT important.

Give your mother the choice to make herself.

Good luck!

Thanks for all the helpful suggestions! Unfortunately two of the three siblings live far away, so the load has fallen on my younger brother is close by. We have been trying to convince my mother to let us hire additional help and she is steadfast against it. We are at the point where we are discussing doing things without her consent, but we also want to respect her wishes and her right to self-determination. We feel uncomfortable forcing into anything, but at some point, it's a health and safety issue. Doesn't make it any easier regardless...

DenverGuy, the situation you described seems most likely to be due to dementia, but regardless of the cause, it is dangerously unhealthy for your mother and, if a solution isn't found soon, besides causing a serious medical problem, it will also likely result in one of her aides calling adult protective services (APS). Assuming you and your siblings, not to mention your mother, want to avoid APS involvement, you'll have to quickly find a full-time solution, of which possibilities include each of you sharing 24-7 care, hiring 24-7 aides, taking your mother to adult day care (or likely a combination of these three), or moving your mother to assisted living or, more likely, to a memory care facility.

Best wishes in finding the best solution for your mother.

You may need to have an aide come several times during the day to help her change her dirty diaper, as her sitting in it for too long, can lead to all kinds of sores from the urine and poop eating away her skin. That can be very dangerous. It may just be that mom is forgetting how to change herself, so having someone come to help her, is just what she might need. Good luck.

That’s a tough one
Is there dementia? She may not realize that she needs changing.
Maybe a discussion with a visiting Nurse can be helpful to see if she’s a candidate for Bowel and bladder training .Also consult your do doctor to understand why this is happening
Best to you