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I give her meds she is allowed to have. She is afraid to die but still is tired of living. She won’t talk about dying to anyone. I get emotional and cry. Our minister is not helpful. How can I help my mom accept dying more peacefully?

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I don't know that you can. What can you say that would help her? What can you say that the minister failed to say? Your mom doesn't have a say-so in when she dies, it's not up to her. Sure, she'd be more at peace if she were more accepting but many people are afraid to die. If she doesn't want to talk about it that's OK. YOU can be accepting even if your mom isn't. Work on your peace of mind and let your mom figure out hers.
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Reply to Eyerishlass
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Alone:
Assure mom that when she is dead she will be 1) happy with the angels and the people she loves, or 2) her brain will stop working and she won't know she is dead, so will not feel anything. Especially not her present daily pain. Which most likely can be managed by a competent doctor.

I'm pretty blunt, in general, not having been brought up by a loving mother, and having had to mother myself. But have spent some of my own time working with and for the dying.

People have died while holding my hand and I have seen they have nothing to fear. It often happens slowly, gently, with no stress, just acceptance.

Once in a while, as happened to me while working in a hospital, the patient will jump out of bed, go to the bathroom, come out and say she wants to go home tomorrow. Then crawls back under the covers, looks around....and stops breathing.
Whatever happens, accept it. Don't panic or fuss. Just accept.

It sometimes helps dying people to have their feet gently massaged. With a nicely scented cream. Truly.

What, I have to ask, is there for mom to fear? Except the worry she'll miss something when she's gone..... something important or not important, but something in her life. Or maybe not. People are hard to figure out sometimes.

Mom does not have to do anything to die except close her eyes and let it happen. We all, every one, everywhere, go through it. Better to comfort oneself with pleasant thoughts than spend precious time fretting about something that cannot be changed.

In her case, if she imagines herself in a beautiful place, with flowers and sunshine, green grass and sheep in the meadow---she can be there for as long as she likes and feel the sun on her face, the breeze in her hair, smell the ripening fruit in the hedgerow or hear autumn's crunchy leaves......let her take you there, use her own words to paint the picture for you.

Softly, gently, stroking her skin as if she were a baby again, whisper together about the good times she's had. Assure her your tears are for the loss you will feel when she's gone, and not for what she will experience. She will always be with you, and in your heart, and she has been a good mother and a good person and so many will miss her, but that is the way life is. We are given it as a gift to use up and then to move on out, leaving people smiling when they think of us...,,,for years and years to come.

One point, if she won't talk about fear...how do you know....?

I myself, look forward to complete peace, for the first time ever. Would your mother welcome the same?

May your way be eased by the compassion you show now, the light you shed on the darkness of others, and the faces of sun and moon lighting your way.
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Reply to Whyarewe
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Saralee1 Dec 14, 2018
Thank you. This has helped me so much!
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1st thing to do is get a doctor that will address her pain, there is no peace to be found when you are in tremendous pain.

I think I would ask her if there is anything she feels like she needs to do. Any unfinished business as it were.

She knows she is dying, we ALL get that is part of life. If she doesn't want to discuss it, honor that. Talk about life, remember the good times and all the memories you share with her, ask her about herself when she was young and people she remembers that were long gone before you.

I wouldn't want to dwell on my immanent demise either, I would want to continue living until I'm not.

She has told you what to do with her body, let it go, that's all you need to know, funerals are for the living, not the dead. You're lucky in that, my dad thinks he'll live to 140 and won't even say what he wants.

You say your minister...is it her minister as well? If she is a believer she may not be afraid, she may feel something has been left unfinished.

Ppeople got down right angry with me for giving my sister a hard time on her death bed, I was like, sis, do you want me to treat you like your living or dying? Living of course, so when she made a snipey comment, I continued to say bite me, she loved it. You can't live your last days focusing on dying, how terrible that would be if you have your mental faculties.

Pray for guidance and peace for yourself to be able to honor her desire to continue living a life as long as she has breath.
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Aloneinkent Dec 12, 2018
Thank you...your words are very helpfulj
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Hospice is a good idea. They are so used to dealing with people who will die soon, that they probably have more experience than anyone else with the different ways that people react. They may be able to provide emotional help as well as the practical things.
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Aloneinkent Dec 11, 2018
Hospice would be a good idea but she does not qualify. Thank you though.
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I really don't think that this is something you can give to her. People used to urge me to tell my mother it was OK to let go since her quality of life was obviously nil and nobody could figure out what was keeping her alive, it just reminded her of her imminent mortality and made her more anxious. I used to wish she was like all those little old men and women we read about who say they are ready to die, but she wasn't, she clung to life with everything she had (and by the end she had very little) right to the last breath. But... she was always a fighter, so that was OK too, and I don't think it made her final days any harder.
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Talk to the doctor...she shouldn't have to be in physical pain. If she doesn't want to talk about dying that's her choice. Don't make your desire to address it something she is required to do. But do help her out of her pain.
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Aloneinkent Dec 11, 2018
I wish her doctor would listen. We are trying a different doctor. I don’t want to force her to talk about death but wish I could help her to accept it more.
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My wonderful mom fought like a lion for every second of her five days short of 95 years.
I will swear with my own dying breath that my dad came to get her the day she went Home, and that day she was sweetly peaceful and totally lacking of the resistance that had filled her in the days before.
If your mom isn’t receiving a regime of pain management that gives her adequate relief, I’d ask her doctor for a referral to a pain management specialist.
I think when/if someone wishes to talk about his/her future, however they see it, they will.
Please consider talking to a gentle listener about your own feelings. YOUR feelings about her concerns are important as well as hers.
Blessings.
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jacobsonbob Dec 12, 2018
Maybe your mother wanted to reach the "goalpost" of 95 years?
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I would suggest you read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. It will help you work thru this yourself and also give you a point of dialogue to talk to your mother. She may be a long way from dying, so it is living that you need to focus on. Instead of getting her to accept dying, which no one wants to accept, really, it will give you a framework to talk to her about what she wants for her remaining future, etc. There are also some articles online written by him which pose the questions and framework for discussion if you don't have time to read the book. I listened to it from Audible; it was wonderful. And I agree that she should get an evaluation to see what could be done to help her pain. Don't expect the doctor to do the work to talk about her dying. Unless she has a terminal disease where death is imminent, what would any doctor say?
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Reply to dogparkmomma
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You cannot get someone to accept dying. That is something everyone does or doesn't do for themselves. My mother would get all melancholy about not wanting to go on, but she fought like crazy when it came down to it. She was in Hospice for month before dying. She would not talk about dying to the hospice workers. Or me. Or the priest. Toward the end I was persuaded to tell her it was okay to let go. She squeaked, "Noooooo". I just visited. Brought pictures. Held her hand and waited with her. She had nothing nice to say to me, but that's another story. Just be with your mother. You can't fix everything.
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Reply to Rosyday
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Tiger55 Dec 15, 2018
So sorry you had such a difficult time at the end of her life. ✌
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I don't blame her for fighting to hang onto life, cuz some people haven't made their peace with God. Isn't it kindest to pray with the dying? (Help her ask God to forgive her sins, & take her to heaven). It seems most comforting, to give them this hope of going to be with God.
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