I need some advice. My mother says I owe her for all she did while raising me.

I remember hearing a conversation between my mother and her sister, probably about 40 years ago. My aunt was saying that after all she had done for her children (I think she was in the midst of helping a grown child out of some crisis or other) they had better not even THINK of putting her in a nursing home. My mother said that if she got to the point where she couldn't live on her own she'd rather have paid nursing home aides wiping her butt than to have her children do it.

These dear ladies are only 5 years apart, so I don't think their attitudes are "generational." By the way, their oldest sister checked herself into the local care center in her 90s and lived there until she died at 100. Mom and her remaining sister (92 and 97) are still able to live on their own, in both cases with support from children, so whether their attitudes about nursing homes still hold remains to be seen.

We can only deal with the parents we have, not their entire generation, and I suspect there is as much variation within genertions as between them.

(((((((((((((avidreader)))))))))))) I agree you should set some boundaries. My mother is narcissistic, and has Borderline Personality Disorder. Many of the experiences wrttten about here sound similar to my experiences with her. Sometimes as people age and become ill, they become very narcissistic, sometimes people are narcissistic all their lives. In both cases, they expect others to "serve" them. In both cases, boundaries need to be set and maintained, for the caregivers emotional, and often physical, health. I tried to discuss these issues with my moother to no avail. I found I simply had to change my behaviour, to let her know what I could, and would do, and what I could, and would not do, with no explanations or justifications. I see you plan to tell her and your sisters. Good for you for setting limits.
I do agree it is not a generational thing. My mother is the only one in her generation who exhibits this behaviour. Her 4 siblings (all deceased) were not self-centered at all, nor were her parents.
Let us know how you are doing. Mother has accepted the limits I set now, reasonably well, though she has not been happyabout it on some occasions.Good luck!!!

Advidreader I think you thoughts make sense but I would limit it to one afternoon a week and the rest of the time she can get the services available to take her places and when she starts the you owe me talk either ignor her or calmly say what you feel once and then do not respond you may remind her that your sister were also raised by her-stick to your guns or she will get even worse behaivor -keep us posted how you handle things will help other going through the same things-the ladies of that age seem to feel entitled to get what they want-my mother has burned so many bridges because of her behaivor.

I certainly didn't get a lot of what I wanted either. In fact I learned later that we usually lacked funds or some other reason. A lot of her answers and actions were based on her pride not what what best for me.

We don't "owe" our parents anything (whether they were loving or otherwise). I love my children unconditionally and what I give or provide; I do so out of love without expectations in return. As I've blogged before; we are pioneers here -- most often our parents didn't have to take care of their parents because they died or were put in a NH and didn't live as long. They also weren't working as long or living as long distances as we do today. Times have changed. I support setting limits that you can live with and stick to them. You could talk to your sisters; but don't get frustrated. They will offer to help or not; or your mom will call on them or not. In the meantime; you will no longer run yourself ragged.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I think setting rules, boundaries and limitations is absolutely fine.
I am in an equally stressful, but sort of opposite situation with my folks. My dad has many heath issues--dementia, urinary incontinence, NPH, severly arthritic spine etc etc. My folks live in an attachment to my house (2bdr, 1.5, bath, kitchen garage). We built addition 10 years ago so they could be close as time goes by. Well, my mom "will not be a burden to her kids". She almost refuses to ask for help with dad or anything else--"she doesn't want to bother us". For instance, I told mom I would sit with dad this morning, so she could get her hair done etc etc. I came over and mom left. Dad said--I didn't wear my thing last night", I said you mean you didn't have you CPAP mask on (which should have 4L of O2 running through it). I ask him why not he said the gasket thing came off the face mask and mom couldn't find it. So I went on one of my many seek and find missions in their bedroom and found the facemask piece and replaced it. The consequence of dad not having his CPAP with the 4l of O2 on at night is---weakness, increased confusion, more ambulator instability and he gets MEAN. When mom got home I asked her why she didn't call me (there is literally a door and short hallway separating our houses and we travel back and forth freely throughout the day). She said "it was 11 o'clock when the mask broke and I didn't want to bother you--you should have been in bed". Well, my mom raised a night owl that is never in bed before midnight and she know this :-). So because "she didn't want to bother me"--dad is somulent, CRANKY, more unsteady on his feet and more confused today. I am NOT BLAMING ANYONE.
I have told mom that it is never a bother and that we worry more because she doesn't ask for help and feels bad when I change the bed (dad is incontinent of urine--so the bed gets changed daily). So I am constantly worrying that something is going on that mom doesn't wnat to bother me. She is a lovely, wonderful, STUBBORN Irish women that I love dearly and worry about constantly because of her stubborness---and her plate is FULLLLLLLL.
Hugs to you --- hoping you find a resolution

I AGREE WITH YOU 100 %, I BELIEVE IN HELPING OUR PARENTS NOT LETTING THEM CONTROL OUR LIVES, I AM GOING THRU ALMOST THE SAME SITUATION , HOWEVER SHE IS LIVING WITH US 24 7 AND SHE HAS TWO DAUGHTER'S THAT DON'T HELP, HER HUSBAND IN A CARE FACILITY AND IS STILL CONTROLLING EVERYTHING INCLUDING OUR LIVES. AT SOME POINT SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE BEFORE WE END UP SICK

Change your phone number or get caller ID.

LYNNM09 no one can control you without your cooperation. Sounds like it may be time to stop cooperating.

Pretend this is a guilt sandwich and refuse it because you feel full.

Llynn It is hard to start setting limits but if you start small and work up to other things it does become easier and much better than it inpacting on your health. My husband of almost 47 years had to learn that if he treated me badly anymore I would not go into rehab to visit him as often as he would have liked- actually our last conversation of his life was a criticism of me to do more things for him while I was singlehanded doing his medicaide application and I would have stayed away for a few days but his health deterioated into a critical condition the next day and he was on life support until there was no chance of recovery.

I am assuming that no one held a gun to your mother's head and forced her to have children!! Having children is something that she chose to do and it is a blessing and a sign of a healthy, full life. I don't feel it is fair for her to lay such an enormous guilt trip on you. That being said, of course these situation are very difficult and we love our parents deeply and always want to help them. I feel your idea is excellent about setting limits. I have never had the opportunity to have children and after dealing with my mother's death and my father's recent stroke it is one of the loneliest times of my life. Sometimes I think about my friends who have been blessed with children. I know being a parent is not an easy job...but when you are alone day in and day out...even as a young adult it is difficult. So again, from my perspective your mother is blessed to have had children and to have you! You sound like an intelligent, caring woman who wants to do what is best. I wish you peace in your decision and the strength to carry it out. Godspeed...

The limits you are setting are very reasonable and generous. She can make her lists for the grocery store and make appts. for that time frame as well. If your sisters are not helping now, they probably won't in the future either. Stand your ground, you deserve some time for your own life.

My mother has always said us kids owed her for raising us. I really think she means it,if we ever come into money she will remind us of all she has done for us. Now that she is in her 70's she has many health issues and mental issues. As of the past 4 months she hasn't spoke to me or my 3 sisters, she thinks "we are out to get her". She got mad at me for going to see my dad in another state after he had major surgery, said I need to remember who raised me. She is controlling and tells everyone how we are neglecting her. As for me I have distanced myself from her drama. It's the only way I can cope with her. I do hope she forgives me and we do have a loving relationship again though. Do what makes you happy and remember we weren't asked to be born, they wanted us, we owe our parents just our love.

I so agree...limit yur time with her and when she calls on you for other times, be busy...even if it is an appt to waqlk around outside:) She is depending on you for everything because the others are 2 busy...you need to be busy too:) I have had to do this several times with my mom in law, but I finally have stuck to my guns...who is to say I might die before she does...if she wants to go somewhere bad enough, she will call the others to help or get there on her own...It does not mean that you love her less, but that you have a life also

I am very blessed with a very loving Mother, I have had her in my home for 25 years now.. I was 15 when she had her first stroke she was only 36, my Dad had talked about putting Mom in a nursing home and I bucked up at him, he took us to family in Ohio. She moved in when I was 20 married with 2 children, other family could not care of her anymore we were in Germany my husband in the Army, we came home and she has been with us since.. Her health is getting worse I know she won't be with me much longer and I honestly don't know how to survive withouth her..I have siblings my sister keeps Mom everyother weekend, i do have respite help now and do use it sometimes..
For my situation I do feel like I owe it to my Mom to take care of her, she took care of me for 15 years and to no fault of her own she couldnt do it anymore, I could never put her in a home...But she has never been mean to me in anyway at all..I have been very blessed...

Your ideas are good. Don't let you Mother make you feel guilty. Parents have a way of doing that. You may want to talk to your Sisters and have them do things for your Mom, whether your Mom likes it or not. She raised them also.

My mother is the same. I owe her for everything she did for me - which in reality (what with her having a personality disorder) was nothing. She takes it a step further and "punishes" me, for instance she used to refuse to eat anything I'd cooked - because that's what I used to do to her when I was a child.
She has even "gone to the toilet" on the floor because I did that when I was a child, so it serves me right.

Hi! I understand your mother´s point. Everybody think they are only responsible for their children. I believe we should feel responsible for our parents,too! I don´t like being ungreatful. You just can´t forget all yyour parents have done for you! That woud be not fair, I think. I will always take care of my granny, as long as she lives. She is my best friend! I won´t discard her just because she needs care and attention.

This is a very difficult thing to hear from a parent. I know because I heard it from both of mine. "All the things we did for you! We fed you! We clothed you!" I said, "As opposed to what?!" As PunchNJudy says, there unfortunately is a minority of people with the entitlement mindset. With my own parents they would just become aggressive if I tried to challenge their thinking, so withdrawing became the only choice. Help, by all means, but DO NOT be put upon.

Lindasue, your points are valid, for sure, but you are talking about a mother who became ill, as a young person, through no fault of her own, and was a caring, sweet mother up until her illness! Some of us are sharing stories of perfectly capable, still fully lucid parents who are in their 90s, fully ambulatory with all their faculties and have made a life of punishing their children and continue with their sense of entitlement. It reminds me of watching shows from the days of the pioneers in which they had multitudes of children, simply to be farm hands and help out with the younger children. I am uncomfortable at times when I get on this site and read about how wrong some of us are because we chose to disassociate, and personally, I hate feeling 'judged' by those who are sharing their stories about how they don't mind taking care of their loving, sweet, caring, nurturing parents, and suggesting you have "thrown away" your parent (I see the word "discard" as well). You have a different set of circumstances entirely so don't judge those who have not had the same kind of blessing. In fact, it is probably every bit as painful for those not having had the same situation as you have, caring for the parent, as it is for us, who will never have the opportunity to enjoy a parent sufficiently so, that they will be sadly missed when they are gone. Remember that this is the place to vent your feelings without feeling judged!

Patricia11, I am so glad that your grandmother is your best friend. What a wonderful relationship.

Please be aware, though, that people on this site do not "discard" their loved ones, even when they do not or cannot do the hands-on 24/7 caregiving. That is a pretty cruel and accusatory word.

Just remembered something else - a psychologist once said to me, "Everything we do for our children we should do out of love, not because we want something in return." Sound advice.

Thank you, jeannegibbs for your understanding words. No one realizes how much MORE painful it is, having people that that was the choice you made, to "discard" them, as though you have a cold cruel heart. As awful as our relationship was and IS, I still have tears in my eyes as I type this, because I actually miss my mother. My husband cannot understand how I can miss so much misery, but I tell him that my tears and heartbreak with her is my grieving and longing for a relationship that never was. Can you imagine how I tear up when I watch shows like "Say Yes to the Dress" and the bride is saying how her mom is her "best friend" and she would never buy something her mother didn't like--and in some cases, they are crying because their mother is gone and won't see them get married and it is so painful to them to be buying their dress without their mom there. I'm at work now--so I have to stop typing this--since it would be embarrassing to have someone come in and ask me 'what's wrong?' So, please, don't judge us if we don't have the same joys you have had in your life.

PunchnJudy - ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) we share many of the same experiences. I love my mother too, and miss the mother I never had, but could never look after her hands-on. Due to her illness, it would be self destructive. Take comfort in knowing that you have done very well in becoming the woman of compassion and caring that you are, even though your mum may never appreciate that. I know there is a hole on our lives that will likely never be filled, but you can still live a good life. It is a tribute to you that you still care so much.

Patricia11, when we have loving and wonderful parents or grandparents, as you do, we do not understand those who do not. We think they are making it up, or it is just that we are selfish. Even my husband who knows how my mother is can not understand the entire dynamics of my family. He had a lovely mother and father. So even though your comments were meant to be nice, and I know they were, it is hard to understand something you have not experienced. I am glad you love your grandmother. I am sure she loves you. I loved mine more than anything in the world. But because she spoiled my mother, she created a little, now an old, monster.

Please don't make these comments about something you don't understand. It is like listening to a rape victim and telling her well maybe she wouldn't have been raped if she had done this or that differently. Just not good.

I thought I was doing the right thing by moving in my mothers house at the age of fourty with my daughter who's was 17 at the time and now it's been a year and it's been the hardest job ever. Mom is 83 and not the nicest person to deal with. Likes to be alone but needs help. GUILT is what I feel and I have two sister also to help but we all know how that goes. I think as caregivers we have to do only what we can do and not forget about ourselves or feel guilty if we don't get everything (demand) done right then and there. I have had two hospitalazions due to stress myself and they say I have caregiver burn out syndrome. I had no idea this was real. So easier said than done take care of needs but don't forget about you. I have started counseling now too. I am not the same person I was before I moved into this house. Oh and my daughter moved 3000 miles away. I miss her dearly but completely understand her wanting to have her life. I need to get a part time job and wonder how that's going to work.

My mother told my sil that parents have kids to do the work around the house-and that is what she did -we turned out pretty ok but not because of her but in spite of her-she once said to my aunt I guess I was a good mother because you four turned out allright right-to me I was so flabbergased I was speechless for a few seconds and because I did not want to go there I finally said I guess thinking at the time OMG how many years of therapy and marrying the first guy who was nice to be-until we were married-and turned out to be narcissic himself.

patricia you are blessed to have someone like your granny-what about your mom? My mother in law was one of those special people-I went out of my way to do nice things for her because she appreciated every thing we did for her. It hard to do things for my narristic mother when instead of appreciating all that I have done for her over the years-she complains about everything. I hacve had to let go. I made sure she is a great assisted living and made sure all her health issues were addressed. Im done

PunchNJudy -- Are we siblings? ;D I have a mother just like yours and I fully understand what you're saying. Children of normal mothers can't possibly fathom what it's like to grow up as the child of a narcissist always looking forward to the end of our childhood, always hoping our mothers will act like mothers someday, etc. only to find them becoming crueler with age so that they infect our old age with their toxicity. I get it but don't expect others to; no one should have to really and I'm glad that most people cringe at the thought of despising one's own parents. That's the way it should be.