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Do I insist she goes?

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Thanks to everyone for your encouragement and kind words. I appreciate the fact I have some place to ask questions and support.
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Okhoneybee,

Your brother is just lashing out at you because he is disappointed, and he is using a blatant and immature manipulation tactic. If he wants to see her so badly then he can come and visit her at your home, maybe stay at a hotel or stay with you, and he can see her perfectly well that way. Too many times people treat patients with dementia as if they no longer have any say in what happens in their lives, which should not be the case. Call your brother out on his manipulation tactics and do not let him get away with it. Forcing her to go is only going to cause her anxiety, discomfort, and resentment. She is going to be 3 hours away from her routine, her home, her primary caregiver, and everything she is used to. That is a long road trip for anyone, let alone someone with dementia who might not feel like she can handle all the changes and travel. Maybe she is just tired, maybe she is just exercising the little autonomy and authority she has left. No matter the reason, she doesn't want to go, and berating her or making her feel guilty about it will only cause her unnecessary pain. Your brother is being selfish and he has lost perspective of what is best for your mother. It's human nature to be hurt and feel jealous, especially when it comes to our loved ones, but he needs to realize that you are not influencing her decision either way, you are simply letting her decide, which is not only fine, but preferable.

Maybe try talking to your mother to find out what her concerns are about the trip, and then maybe you can address those concerns to make her feel better, but I don't recommend that you be pushy or "insist" that she does anything that is not necessary for her emotional and physical health. Save those battles (and energy) for when you don't have a choice. You are doing the right thing. Give yourself permission to let the snide remarks and judgement from your brother slide off your back, and try and remember that it is more about him and his issues, so try not to take it personal. Let him know you understand he is hurt by her not visiting, offer his solutions such as him coming to visit her, but he also needs to understand it is not ok to make you feel guilty for a decision that is not yours to make. Best of luck to you. Stay strong, don't pick up the baggage that other people try and give you, you have enough weighing you down right now. Sending you love and light.
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okhoneybee, she probably doesn't want the inconvenience of being away from her space. It might have been nice for you to have the house to yourself for a couple of days, though. I would love it if my brothers were to come get my mother for the weekend. In your shoes, I would encourage my mother to go and have a good time with the rest of her family. My mother would go, but she would insist I come along before she did. We can become like a security blanket to them.

Sorry that it didn't work out this time. Maybe next time it will.
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I've learned from dealing with my Dad who has dementia that any change in routine is very hard for him. Learning new things is impossible, cell phone, wall calender, change in meds etc. I think you should stick by your guns on this. Tell brother to read up on dementia. We should try to do what's best from the dementia patient, not what is best for us or what makes us feel better.

There will be a time when you'll have to force your mom to do things for her own good that she doesn't want to do. This is not a critical issue. There's no reason to insist that she do these visits.
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My Mom lives with me and I'm her full time caregiver. Mom has moderate dementia and one brother lives 45 minutes from me and the other one 3 hours. The one 3 hours away would be driving to my house to pick her up and then driving to the other brothers house that lives 45 minutes away. I asked her if she would like to go stay with them for the weekend (Friday-Sunday) and she said she didn't want to this time, maybe another time. I let my brother know this and he said, "Ok sounds good, if going to let our Mom with Dementia make the call on a weekend with son's, that's fine. Your a real sweet sister." I think she still has the right to make some decisions. I talked to her Neurologist about this and she said she shouldn't be forced to go. I guess I just need reassurance I'm doing the right thing.
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What's the purpose of the visit? Is your mother staying with you or are you living with her as a full time caregiver? What's her living situation otherwise?

Where do the brothers live? Close? Some distance? How will she travel?

What are her medical and mental issues? Does she have dementia?

All of these factors make a difference in whether she visits, but generally, I don't think it's appropriate to force anyone for a visit.

More information is needed to offer targeted answers.
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