When I try to help my Mother with eating and drinking. She is resisting and calls us mean. Any advice?


I need somebodys opinion quick. Mothers eating and drinking downhill for about 10 days. She is super crabby to me. I have dedicated a lot of time and energy to her. When I try to help her with eating and drinking. She is resisting and calls us mean. Not sleeping. Wont drink. She says she will have to get up and pee every time. I tell her she is hurting hwrself. She says she dont care. With a bad attitude tone. Her last dr. appt she put on a smile and a front. She will do the same if i take her to er today. She will make them believe her. Wont wash hands. Constantly snapping at us lately.I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. SHE NEEDS A MENTAL EVAL. Gets up goes in bathroom. Does absolutely nothing in there. Can anyone help me?!!!

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Valryn it seems you're having a bit of a meltdown over your mom's behavior in the past few days. Over the holidays, it seems like a lot of these things come to the front.

First of all, you can't make your mom do anything. If she wants to eat junk, she can eat junk. What you CAN control is how you react to her behavior. Right now, you're letting it consume you. You need to change that dynamic. Your dad passed away in February and he lit up your life. And probably your mom's life too, I'm guessing? She may be depressed. She may have cognitive decline. If you continue to push her in a negative way, you won't get her eating and drinking.

My suggestion would be to back off and give your mom some room. If she winds up in the ER, so be it. Sometimes we have to wait for an emergency to happen in order for our parents to recognize the need for change. If she does wind up in the ER, try to get her mental health evaluated. If she has cognitive decline, which wouldn't surprise me, trying to deal with her as a rational adult will be a waste of time. Your dad may have been covering for your mom in many ways - that happens a lot with couples. Or she may have declined after his passing. Whatever the reason, you've got to understand your mom is her own person and you can't make her conform to your wishes. And in a way, that's a good thing for you! You don't have to keep her healthy and happy. You can offer good choices and if she doesn't want to take them, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. So lighten up and relax and start reading some of the other threads. You are not alone!
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This is valrvn. All of this has started happening in the last ten days. Can changes in her happen quickly? She is now refusing everything. She does have dementia. She thinks she is 64. She is 83. I am trying to be clear to you so you understand
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Val, I think you need to step back and ask yourself some wuestions.

1. Why are you living with your mother?

2. What do you expect the end result of your caregiving to be?

If your mom is a competent adult, she can refuse to eat and drink. That's not your fault and not your problem.

If you are living there because you want to be there, fine. If you are living there because you feel you have a moral obligation to, you don't. Even if you're her guardian, you are not obligated to care for her, just to get her care.

" mom, I just want to let you know that they boys and I will be moving out after the first of the year. Would you like me to set up some in home care for you, or would you prefer to look at Assisted living facilities ? "
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