My Mother is not thriving there and wants out of memory care nursing home. Any advice?

Follow
Share

My Mother is in a memory care nursing home in VT and my sister has guardianship. I live in Texas and am thinking about bringing my mom into our home thinking she will thrive better in a family setting. How easy is it to get guardianship in Texas? If my wife quits her job to stay with her is she able to get compensated through my mother?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
38

Answers

Show:
you want your wife to give up her life?? Sorry.... Not fair......and that's what will happen. Unless 1 of you have done it before and already know what your in for, you'll be in for a ROUGH road ahead. Think long and hard.Read the stories here. Caretaking is NOT like the commercials where everyone is happy happy. Be prepared for yours and your wives WHOLE life to be consumed by mom. its not a picnic. It has ruined many relationships ( siblings and marriages ).
Helpful Answer (19)
Report

Your sister is your mother's guardian at the present time. What does she think about the idea of moving your mother to TX? Since your mother is in memory care, I imagine that she is in a fairly advanced stage of dementia. If she is, it may be best to let her remain as stable as possible unless you know she will do better with you. Have you spent long periods of time recently caring for your mother? Often people who are not there daily don't really know how things are.

I think it is wonderful that you want your mother to be as happy as possible. Too often we lose the human-ness of the elder with dementia. I am glad that you still see that. If your sister has been with her in VT, I would listen to the things that she says about her condition and work together to accomplish what you feel is best for your mother.

If you'll let us know a bit more about your mother, her history, and why she is in memory care, someone may have ideas about what might be best or possible. The main goal would be to keep your mother as safe and content as possible under unfortunate circumstances.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

I'm with Golflady on this one. Think about this very carefully before committing to this plan. I mean no disrespect but you may be a bit naive about what this move would involve.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I'm trying to ask this in a positive, constructive way: does your wife really know what she's letting herself in for? Does she have any experience of caring for a person with dementia? Given the distances, have you both been able to spend time with your mother recently, with a chance to appreciate what her needs are day in, day out?

I'm in favour of home care, it isn't that I disapprove. My major reservation about this move is that you need to look on it as irreversible; but then what happens if you find that it isn't working? You can't just wrap your mother up and post her back to Vermont (? is that right? - I'm not good on states). Do you have a memory care facility near you if it proves impossible to manage at home?

I'm sorry to be negative, but it sounds pretty fraught unless you've got expertise to draw on as well as enthusiasm. Let us know how you're getting on, anyway.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Active guardianship implies serious incapacity. You might want to investigate the obligations of guardianship before you claim that responsibility. What specifically about life in your family will cause Mom to thrive versus her current location? Changing 'homes' is very hard on the elderly with dementia and should be minimized. What are her complaints about her current living circumstances and has a good effort been put forth to remedy those complaints? Just a few thoughts before you claim the job.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Guardianship123, you had also asked if your Mother could pay your wife to be her Caregiver.... yes, and one doesn't need Guardianship in order for that to happen.... just make sure that your Mother and your wife draw up an employment contract.

You will also need to make your home elder proof. Is there a bedroom and bath on the main floor? Are there grab bars in the tub/shower and at the toilet? Are the hallways and doorway wide enough for a walker or wheelchair? If you have thick carpeting and padding, that would need to be replaced as it is difficult to walk with a walker on such carpeting. Please note, falls will happen. Are there steps up to the front door or from the garage, if so, a ramp might be needed. The list goes on and on.

Please note that 40% of caregivers die leaving behind the person they were caring. Those are terrible odds. What if something happens to your wife? Would you be willing to quit your job and be your Mother's full-time 168 hour a week caregiver?
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Now I'm totally confused. Stage 2 dementia on the traditional 7-stage system is mild cognitive impairment. This is a very early stage, so your mother should still be competent and showing only mild symptoms. I wouldn't expect anyone in stage 2 to be in memory care.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I'm confused. Your mother is not thriving in a memory care unit of a nursing home. She has stage 2 dementia.

These two pieces of information don't go together.

Does your home have other serious illnesses that require skilled nursing care? Cancer? COPD? What?

The usual reasons for placing a nursing home resident in the memory care unit are wandering or very disruptive behavior or behavior that requires addition attention to direct. Does one of those reasons apply to your mother?

How long has your mother been where she now resides?

Living with family can be very successful. And it can be very disastrous. It would help know the medical background a little better to discuss this.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Guardianship123, You would have to challenge the existing Guardian in court in Vermont and request a move to Texas. I have to forewarn you that in the past, people have moved the parent long distances only to find that the patient becomes totally disoriented and agitated. Judges are well aware of this problem. In addition, if mom is on Medicaid in VT, that ends as soon as she leaves VT. Texas Medicaid, aka DADS, has long waiting lists. Transport is also a problem- you cannot put her on a plane. Driving her is risky at best and could easily end up at an ER somewhere in between, with no coverage.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I agree with Jeanne, nothing adds up here. Stage 2 Dementia neither equals memory care nor incompetence. So proceed with caution.

1. Either her dementia is much more advanced than you are being told or

2. Mom is barely into the disease and no wonder she's not thriving in memory care!

The real question is to clarify mom's needs (not necessarily her desires) before you commit to moving her. I think you may need to do some detective work with her doctors. One possible scenario is that mom had a stroke or serious injury, was incompetent temporarily but is now substantially recovered.

Proceed with caution.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.