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The last few times we were at our parents' house ended with her screaming epithets and insults at us, completely unprovoked (other than us not reacting to her unrelenting negativity--but that's just a guess). It's been three weeks since either of us has spoken to her or gone to their house. The bad feeling we have is not diminishing; the tragedy of the situation is eating away at us. The dilemma is: how can we go there if she's made it clear, on more than one occasion, that she wants no part of us? They have no one else close to them (physically or emotionally) who can do their grocery shopping, whatever, for them. We're reluctant to call her because we don't want to be subjected to her wrath (which undoubtedly has exploded in the past three weeks) or her withering sarcasm. We're at a loss. Is it okay to stay away and wait for her to call us? She did last week, and said they were "in bad shape". My husband called her back & she wouldn't tell him what they needed, and screamed at him. The next day one of my nieces called her & said she sounded fine & had hired a laundry service (my sister's been taking care of that for a few years now). She said to my niece that we should be able to take some abuse after all she's done for us, to which my niece replied, "no, they shouldn't". It's a disgusting situation that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Any advice/suggestion is welcome.

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Your mother has and has had a serious personality disorder. Which one, borderline or narcissism, it does not really matter. See a therapist and set yourself free from her. People who have been abused by their parents should not be responsible for their hands on care. It may be tempting to think that if you can do something for her, then she will finally be nice to you. After all of this time, this is not going to happen. It is not your fault that this is how she is plus you cannot fix her or rescue her. All you can really do is to put and keep yourself on a healthier path in life.
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Get off the merry go round and stay off!
You're getting nowhere and you're the one who's going to end up dead from all the stress!
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Scaredtaker, she stopped taking Paxil when she was admitted to the hospital after breaking her arm & having the small stroke on April 1st (April Fools? How I wish). I have no idea why the hospital didn't have her continue with it. I told several different people there that she'd been on it--I even asked if I should bring what she had at home to the hospital & they said no. She took the Prozac maybe for a week. I think I mentioned that when I asked if she was taking it, she said no, that she didn't want to. Your idea certainly is a possibility for her bizarre, irrational behavior, but she's been kind of mean & unpredictable my entire life. It's gotten completely out of control now, though. There is absolutely no talking to her. My sister & I feel alone in all of this, even though we have my husband & her daughters--there honestly is nothing we can do. She's considered able to make her own decisions, and that's that. She would NEVER agree to any sort of psychiatric evaluation. When seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist was suggested to her by one at the hospital, she told us she said "oh yeah, like I'm going to do that." That's pretty much what she told me after her physical therapist showed her how to exercise on her own: "Oh, like I'm really going to do that." She's beyond stubborn & obviously doesn't want to do anything to improve her life, so how can we force her to? We're just about done, unless, as I said, there's an emergency. I can't be a part of this game anymore. We're doing fine, going about our lives, but we both agree that it's just a matter of time before one of us can't deal with the constant thinking/worrying about it and falls apart. Thanks to everybody for your ideas & concern. Just knowing I can come to this site & share with people who understand is a huge help.
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It is ok to stay away for your own protection until she has a crisis. She's made her bed. Let her sleep in it. It's her choice. You can't force your help on her.
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This appears to be a very tragic situation, apparently with your Mother the one blocking access to getting care, and having a peaceful existence for her and your father.
1) Mother
She is not medicated properly with a history of an illness requiring meds.
She no longer complies with treatment.
She is being over-stressed living with father, who has Alzheimer's, equaling 2 vulnerable adults. If she had no history (possible bipolar or BPD : Borderline Personality Disorder), his illness plus her aging could have led to her burnout. Understanding for her.
However, facts are that she is emotionally abusing your father, and now you.
2) Father
Has Alzheimer's, may require more assistance than you know (mother is not explaining?)
His wife, your mother, is continuing abuse, which as a vulnerable adult, he cannot report or fight. This may have escalated to physical abuse.
3) Family
Has been banned, may have shaking and PTSD from ongoing abuse and stress, is sad and worried.
4) Authorities
Have not adequately intervened as yet.

Step 1:
Temporarily, secure Dad's needs by picking him up, 1-2 x per week, take him to the store with you if he is able. Meet him outside, drop him off outside.
This will give Mom some respite. This will allow Dad a break-he may be able to let you know more, once he is away from her. This plan won't be easy, but he has rights too.
This action may expose Mom to a crisis 1) Maybe she cannot be left alone. 2) Maybe she is inappropriately isolating and abusing her husband. 3) Maybe she is self-medicating on pain meds or alcohol. 4) Knowing more, you may have to take Dad out of there.

Approach this without taking sides. Accepting that she has banned you leaves 2 vulnerable adults, still. Your Mom is very ill. Give this plan 3 months time.
Are there pets in the home?

You can do this?
I am not against you backing off until the fridge is empty, or another crisis presents itself, because the authorities won't SEE what is happening if you cover for them.

You decide what you are able to do, but shaking is not a good sign.

It was not my parents, but when this happened to a more distant family member, I had to pay for the food, lunch out, haircuts, medical supplies like a heating pad, OTC meds like Tylenol and Colace-the reason for only 3 mos. because wife would have never allowed expenses for her husband.  Not my doing, but they are living separately now.
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SooDoo--
I honestly don't know how one person can treat another person so shabbily--this has been an ongoing source of wonderment in the last 42 years for me. My husband shielded from his mother as much as humanly possible when we were dating...and I now know why. I KNEW before we married that she didn't "like" me, but really thought I could win her over (of course at the tender age of 19 when I met her, I thought I COULD work miracles.)

My MIL's life is 100% about her. Yes, she struggled to raise a family with a man she hated, and for that, I cannot fault her. Dad has some serious problems, and the divorce was a blessing. However, she has some kind of serious personality disorder, and at the age of 87, is not likely to change.

It HAS rankled me that when he son was so sick, and nearly died, that she felt all the stress was on HER. Never will understand that.

The saddest part is really that my 5 children and my 13 grandchildren have no relationship with her. They literally (the ggrandkids) have no idea who she is. Since she doesn't care about them either, I guess it's a wash.

Hubby did ask me if I had known how awful she'd be would I have still married him? I honestly had to say, no, I didn't think I would have.

It did hit her one day (so I heard) that she was discussing how she plans to live to be 99-1/2--my Sis in law laughed and said "Mom, I will be 77, "D" will be 82 and "B" will be 80. You should have been nicer to "B's" wife, she's the one who's going to put you in a nursing home. And if I do have to, I will make sure it is nice and she is well cared for. I don't want revenge. I wanted a MIL who wanted another daughter.

You just want a mom, don't you? And that's what hurts. The daily reminders that you weren't "enough" for them.

Honestly? Most of my friends had wonderful mothers and decent relationships with their MILs. I think we see a very skewed yet honest version here on these boards. We need to vent. Doesn't make us bad people.

Take your break. They won't starve.
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Soodoo,
Save yourself.
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Soodoo, I'm sure this won't be the first time you've ever heard this, but "go away don't leave me" is the definitive mantra of borderline personality disorder - so well recognised that it's almost diagnostic.

Is that a subject you've discussed with anyone in any detail?
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You're 100% right, sue888. I'm going to stick to my guns unless there's an emergency. It has to stop. Thank you!
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Dear SooDoo17,

I'm sorry to hear what about is happening. I know you and your sister truly want to help your mom and dad with some of their daily care. It is very hard when your mom is acting so angry and abusive. I am a fix it kind of person too and it is hard to step back and say fine, just let it be.

I wonder if some of your mom's attitude is related to the side effects of her medication or some other mental decline like dementia? If you truly think they are in danger, I would contact a social worker or Adult Protective Services or Senior Services in your community to check on their welfare. Maybe your mom would be more receptive to a third party.

For now, its okay to back off till she calms down. My other suggestion would be family therapy or talking to a counsellor or joining a support group for caregivers. Thinking of you.
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