My mother told me she never wants to see me (or my sister) again. We know she and our father need our help. What should we do? - AgingCare.com

My mother told me she never wants to see me (or my sister) again. We know she and our father need our help. What should we do?

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The last few times we were at our parents' house ended with her screaming epithets and insults at us, completely unprovoked (other than us not reacting to her unrelenting negativity--but that's just a guess). It's been three weeks since either of us has spoken to her or gone to their house. The bad feeling we have is not diminishing; the tragedy of the situation is eating away at us. The dilemma is: how can we go there if she's made it clear, on more than one occasion, that she wants no part of us? They have no one else close to them (physically or emotionally) who can do their grocery shopping, whatever, for them. We're reluctant to call her because we don't want to be subjected to her wrath (which undoubtedly has exploded in the past three weeks) or her withering sarcasm. We're at a loss. Is it okay to stay away and wait for her to call us? She did last week, and said they were "in bad shape". My husband called her back & she wouldn't tell him what they needed, and screamed at him. The next day one of my nieces called her & said she sounded fine & had hired a laundry service (my sister's been taking care of that for a few years now). She said to my niece that we should be able to take some abuse after all she's done for us, to which my niece replied, "no, they shouldn't". It's a disgusting situation that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Any advice/suggestion is welcome.

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Today is a bit difficult. It's our parents' 61st wedding anniversary. Ordinarily, we'd have them to our house or my sister's for a cookout & little celebration. Not this year. I actually considered inviting them, once again entertaining the ever-tempting fantasy that things could be normal. It's such a sad situation.
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My only words of wisdom is to let it be and move on with your own life.
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Scaredtaker, she stopped taking Paxil when she was admitted to the hospital after breaking her arm & having the small stroke on April 1st (April Fools? How I wish). I have no idea why the hospital didn't have her continue with it. I told several different people there that she'd been on it--I even asked if I should bring what she had at home to the hospital & they said no. She took the Prozac maybe for a week. I think I mentioned that when I asked if she was taking it, she said no, that she didn't want to. Your idea certainly is a possibility for her bizarre, irrational behavior, but she's been kind of mean & unpredictable my entire life. It's gotten completely out of control now, though. There is absolutely no talking to her. My sister & I feel alone in all of this, even though we have my husband & her daughters--there honestly is nothing we can do. She's considered able to make her own decisions, and that's that. She would NEVER agree to any sort of psychiatric evaluation. When seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist was suggested to her by one at the hospital, she told us she said "oh yeah, like I'm going to do that." That's pretty much what she told me after her physical therapist showed her how to exercise on her own: "Oh, like I'm really going to do that." She's beyond stubborn & obviously doesn't want to do anything to improve her life, so how can we force her to? We're just about done, unless, as I said, there's an emergency. I can't be a part of this game anymore. We're doing fine, going about our lives, but we both agree that it's just a matter of time before one of us can't deal with the constant thinking/worrying about it and falls apart. Thanks to everybody for your ideas & concern. Just knowing I can come to this site & share with people who understand is a huge help.
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When did she go off paxil and prozac? There is a serious withdrawal that is protracted with discontinuation of such medications and the result is often rage. It has been reported that it can take years to recover from withdrawal when going off cold turkey. Doctors will not tell you this but it is affecting those who have experienced exactly that - and the numbers are astounding
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You're 100% right, sue888. I'm going to stick to my guns unless there's an emergency. It has to stop. Thank you!
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Get off the merry go round and stay off!
You're getting nowhere and you're the one who's going to end up dead from all the stress!
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Countrymouse--we've talked about our mother's behavior with the nurses from the VNA who were assigned to her, our parents' lawyer, and to a few friends. Everyone who knows the situation advises us to stay away. Here's an update: after one month, our mother called me with her best "fake crying" and asked "how long is this going to go on?" I said I was wondering that myself. For a fleeting moment I fooled myself into believing that this was it, this was going to be the resolution & we'd--as a family--be able to put all of the recent ugliness behind us. No, it wasn't to be. She immediately began berating me, my sister, and my husband for not going there. I reminded her what she had said to me the month before. She told me how awful I am because she had given me "the moon & the stars" & the best years of her life. I don't remember any other details, other than she was yelling (not "crying" for long) & being typically irrational. She ended the "conversation" with a terse "goodbye", and I hung up. That was last Saturday. The next day I bought some groceries for them & wrapped her birthday present to bring to her. Her birthday was July 5th, as is mine, but it was on June 30th that she'd told me she never wanted to see me again, so I didn't think giving her the present was in order. Anyway, again I had the fantasy that things would be at least somewhat resolved, that maybe we could have an actual conversation/discussion rather than the one-sided barrage of criticism she's so fond of. And again I was sadly mistaken. She started in on me again about how wonderful our childhood was (and it was--we had everything. Everything except affection & approval, and of course we had more than our share of negativity) & how awful we are to not be helping them. I again reminded her of the things she's said to us & that I wouldn't allow anyone else to talk to me like that. She half-heartedly apologized, and continued with the rant. There was simply no way she was going to hear what I had to say. After a few minutes I got up to leave, saying just that I'd have their laundry ready in a couple of days (I'd gathered the laundry to do for them when I got there). I asked what groceries they needed, and she yelled "I don't need anything." As I went to pick up the bag of laundry I'd brought upstairs, she screamed "I don't want you doing my laundry." As I went to leave, she literally threw the birthday present at me, saying "I don't want this s**t", which pretty much was a repeat performance of her act on Mother's Day. When I got home a few minutes later there was a message on our answering machine from her, begging for forgiveness. I didn't call her back. I can't kid myself anymore that she's suddenly going to become the reasonable person I hope for, that she's ever going to stop behaving the way she does & realize she cannot treat us like dirt. My sister wants to have no contact with her whatsoever. I agree, but I know myself and know that when she calls again, I'll give reconciliation another shot.
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Soodoo, I'm sure this won't be the first time you've ever heard this, but "go away don't leave me" is the definitive mantra of borderline personality disorder - so well recognised that it's almost diagnostic.

Is that a subject you've discussed with anyone in any detail?
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You are not alone. If your husband is "stronger" than you (not implying you arent!) and if he doesnt mind, have him stop by with some chicken or coffees or something. Is an "excuse" to go in and see really if they *are* in bad shape. I only suggest this as its been one way I have coped. You have the "guilt" and "honour due" but its the hubby who has to hear the crap. Im only saying if he can handle it and isnt as affected by the mental abuse and hurtful words mom uses towards you (fat, useless etc...so uncalled for) I know its not same advice everyone will give but thats why we are individuals and nothing wrong w picking ideas from here and there. Love to you x
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Soodoo,
Save yourself.
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