My mother had unexpected surgery and has declined significantly since then, which propelled me into the world of caregiving. Her mobility is hindered and she needs help getting in and out of bed, getting on and off the toilet, moving around, etc. She can walk, but still pretty much needs someone with her 24-7. My sister and I have been trading off, but my mother no longer wants my sister to help. I can't be here 24-7, but I think that is what my mom wants. I am 37 and not ready to give up my life and I feel guilty for that, but is that even a realistic expectation for her to have? I know in-home care will get expensive, but I am not sure what else to do. I don't want to put her in a nursing home, but a friend told me that if she needs someone around the clock, she doesn't need to be at home. I feel stuck because I don't want to feel guilty about not always being here, but I want to care for her the best I can. This is all new to me and I feel extremely overwhelmed. Any advice or suggestions?
Second, your mother is responsible for covering the cost of her care.
Third, you are 100% not responsible for providing any care at all.
Fourth, you are far too young to give up your future and impact your own retirement.
Fifth, look up Fear Obligation and Guilt, FOG.
Sixth, look up setting boundaries and sticking to them.
1) home care aid or nurse
2) Shirt term rehab in a rehab facility.
good luck❤️
AND think about wants vs. needs.
A dutiful child helps a parent get the appropriate level of care to provide safety. They don't provide hands on care themselves at the expense of their livelihood and relationships.
I am sure that you love her, and find this hard to swallow. However the longer you spend on this site, the more you will hear exactly this. If your mother is behaving like this at 67, and it doesn’t stop, she will be a nightmare at 85, but still going at 95.
It is really important that you pull out of this ASAP. Not such a good idea to have live in carers, as the burden will still be on you. Turn off your phone in the night – children learn to wake and go back to sleep, and so can she. Get your sister on side before your mother alienates her permanently, and both present an ultimatum to mother – you live alone and organise your own care needs, or you go to AL.
My suggestion is that your Mom get good rehab. I don't know what surgery she had or what underlying conditions, but she's about young enough to be MY DAUGHTER. She needs to get up and around. If she cannot she needs placement to the best of her assets and abilities, either Board and Care, Assisted living. You will visit. You will not abandon her nor your love for her. But you are NOT EVEN FOURTY yet. You are so young. Please don't wash your life down the drain in the name of guilt. Use the other G-word which is the more honest one. That is GRIEF. You have a right to mourn your Mom, for whatever reason, needs 24/7 care. But that isn't your burden to bear.
I am begging you to get counseling and help in working out a way to get on with the ONE LIFE you will ever have. It is a waste not to do so. Quite honestly it is, I think , a disrespect for the gift of our lives to lay them on the altar of another's needs when the other has already had a life, and now needs care.
This is your choice. When you make it I will be the first to accept your decision. What I will NOT DO is give you sympathy for that decision. It will be your own for your own life. We have free will. Even the believers among us understand that their god gave us free will.
Sorry for this hurtful decision, but not everything can be fixed or made perfect. And in an attempt to do so you will be throwing in the towel on a life of your own. IMHO. I know you will get the advice of others here. I hope you will work your way through to your own best choice.
Accept the help of you AND your sister or SHE will have to pay for caregivers that will come in when you are unavailable.
Please note that I indicate your mom pays for caregivers. Not you, not your sister.
If mom is living in her home and she can not be alone then she needs caregivers or she moves to Assisted Living.
If she does not need medical care then she does not need a "nursing home" Assisted Living is different than a Skilled Nursing facility.
My Mom had a small rail. Only 18 in wide. It helped her pull herself into a sit up position. Then she swung her legs around and used the bar to help her stand up. You can put a commode over the toilet taking the bar off the back. New ones come with a splash guard that goes passed the rim of the toilet. Has its own seat lid so you can remove the ones on the toilet. This will give Mom arms to push herself into a standing position and legs for stability.
There is other equipment for the tub. Shower chairs. Tub handles to help get in and out. The therapist can show Mom how to do her ADLs.
You need to make Mom aware that you cannot do her care on your own. That sis needs to do as much as she can. And its not fair to expect it. If Mom is low income, you may be able to get in home help from Medicaid. Call office of Aging and ask about an aide.
You *really* need to talk to your sister. I imagine sister has told your mother more candidly than you have that the situation as is is not sustainable, and possibly thrown in a few home truths that came across as harsh (but not necessarily any less true, mind).
Why can't you confirm? Is there history between you and sister? - as you've been sharing the care previously it didn't sound like it.
You cannot provide 24/7 care, because then you won't be able to support yourself.
Many years ago, my gma broke her hip. She called all her friends and told them excitedly "I'm going to be an invalid and my daughter will wait on me".
Only problem, aunt worked and mom had a toddler and 2 other kids. They told gma that she was going to rehab, would learn to walk again and return to her apartment.
She never really forgave them for "sending her to live among strangers". But she learned to walk again.
It sucks nowdays, my dad (with severe mobility issues) went to a nursing home in March and they are understaffed there as well and he's not getting the response time he was used to with his wife as caregiver. But he will have to adjust.
I am sorry your mother is having such issues at a relatively younger age.
If she needs 24/7 care, she either hires caregivers or goes to a facility (Assisted Living) where she can be around folks whose job it is to help her.
This is not your responsibility,
What surgery, when exactly, and what happened with rehab afterwards?
What's gone on with your sister? - have you asked mother, sister, or both?
Assuming your mother is mentally capable (Mental Capacity Act Code of Practice 1.1. we assume the person *does* have capacity unless proven otherwise), the decisions surrounding her current and ongoing care plans are for her to make. However, she is not free to make decisions for you, any more than anyone else on the planet is, and if you are not prepared to commit to 24/7 care (you'd be crazy if you were) you need to be frank with her about it.
In fact, especially at this stage where you are all in new territory, frankness is the key. Talk to your sister, talk to your mother, find out what the outlook for your mother's recovery and then longer-term care needs is, and then you and sister support your mother in developing a plan.
Hugs, and don't forget to breathe. There will be a way forward.
More info would be very helpful.
Did mom go to rehab after surgery?
Have you spoken to her doctor about whether this is her "new normal"?
Hi. Thank you for your quick answer. Her mobility was declining prior to her surgery but she managed to continue to make it on her own. The surgery basically knocked her down. She did go to rehab for 20 days after surgery and therapy helped some, but she did not want to stay in there any longer because as you can imagine they were understaffed and not as attentive to her needs. Her primary care doctor said it was arthritis, but OT/PT both at the hospital and rehab felt there could be something neurological happening as she experiences weakness and delays that are not accompanied with pain. We have an appointment on May 12 with a neurologist and we're trying to make it to then to see what they say, but it has been tough.