Mother moved in 15 years ago, and is still here. How can I broach the subject of her leaving & moving in with other family members?


My husband & I invited my Mother to come live with us, when my Father passed, and she could no longer afford to stay in her own home. We built a house to accommodate her needs, ( she was given the Master suite of the house because it was downstairs, and she did not want to have to walk up those) which was a huge strain on our already bleak financial circumstances. Since then I have had to stop working, to take care of her....Mind you she was healthy most of that time, but wanted me to be available 24/7 to take her to doctor visits, Church events, Social gatherings and shopping. Meanwhile my two siblings’ bank accounts have swelled & they haven’t contributed a single penny the entire time. (That doesn’t bother her, though, she’s constantly telling ME, about their ‘trials & tribulations’ and regaling me with the details of the few gifts they have so ‘kindly’ found it in their hearts to send her😒😡)
My son is grown now & getting married this year, but we have been able to do very little towards that or MANY other events in his life for the past 15 years..
I love my Mother, but this has taken its’ toll on EVERYTHING in my life...
How can I resolve this issue, before we end up bankrupt, with no savings for our retirement ( which will be here in 10-15 years?), and still feel I’ve done the best for my Mother?



Mm. I hope your mother has at least been covering her own share of household expenses? A proportionate contribution to utilities, property taxes, shared groceries and what have you?

You must be very fed up, and I do sympathise.

Having said that. You can't very well tattoo "welcome" on your forehead and lie down and then complain if people have treated you as a doormat. The crucial thing is to say enough is enough and get up!

And now that you've gone to this much trouble, with the special accommodations for your mother; and invested so much of yourself in her care; it seems both a pity and a bit drastic to boot her out.

Wouldn't it be better to do some serious adding up - your loss of income, the costs over the years, averaged out to an approximate annual cost; some thoughtful forward planning - continuing costs, plus the likelihood that you will need to hire assistance as your mother grows older and more frail; and some comparative costing, showing what your mother's expenses would have been in the past and might be in the future if she were living elsewhere; and then call a family conference and ask all of them, the lot of them, where this money is coming from.

This is not mean, rude, unkind, grasping, uncaring, or any other negative adjective. It is *practical*. If your mother is to be cared for as you would all like her to be in future, someone has to pay for it. And Not Just You. Not any more.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Countrymouse

It will be very difficult to correct for mistakes made years ago (building on to your house for her, quitting your job to be her stepandfetchit, etc.).

But, really, isn't it time (actually, LONG PAST TIME) for YOUR family to come first? What do you think you can do to resolve this dilemma?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to CTTN55

Just come right out and say what you have to say. When she gets livid, tell her to call her other kids because one of them is going to take their turn.

She is demanding and you give in is how it’s gone before. So what’s your plan for when she has a tizzy over it?

Can you stand up for YOUR family?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to HolidayEnd

Theres another similar post about asking Mom for rent after eight years.

Mom must have SS and Medicare. Sit down and explain that prices have risen alot in 15 years. That what you could afford then, you can't now. That you are looking at retirement and want to have some money saved to enjoy it. That you are asking that she now contribute to her care.

My MIL had moved to Fla in 89. Three years later my FIL passed. She remained in FLa. About five years before her passing she thought she'd come back here to live. What she put us thru! Finally, my DH told her we could sell our house (split level) and buy a rancher but...if the rancher cost more than our house, she would have had to pay the difference. If this had happened, my MIL would have paid her way. I wouldn't have charged rent but she would have paid for her personal needs and such. Yes, I know now that if Medicaid was ever needed that her paying for part of the house would have caused problems. But, my husband was retiring in a few years and didn't want a Mortgage. Turned out his plant closed and he retired 3 yrs before he planned to. MIL chose to stay in FLA. Think she was playing us and husband didn't do what she wanted him to. Move to Fla near her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to JoAnn29

Because you have set the precedent of always being there for your mom to do her bidding, it certainly won’t be easy to say “we can’t do this any more, Mom”. But the fact of the matter is, you can’t. Mom and your sibs need to know this. Because you have siblings, they need to take on some of the responsibility for their mother.

Personally, I would be mortified if I knew I was being a burden to my children and driving them to bankruptcy. Is Mom aware of your financial situation? If not, she needs to be. So do your siblings. Can she apply for Section 8 housing? My mom lived in a very nice low income apartment. She paid $300 a month. If Mom’s health isn’t the best, consider applying for Medicaid and find a facility for her. It’s time to put your family and your own welfare first with no regrets.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Ahmijoy

Are other family members offering to have her come and live with them? If so, jump at it!

However, if your other family members have not offered to take your mother in you can ask them but have a Plan B such as assisted living. Judging from what you wrote about your siblings I don't see them radically changing their lifestyle to take their mom in. But you'll never know unless you ask.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Eyerishlass

I wish I had an answer. That is a tough situation. Many elderly parents expect way too much out of their children when it comes to helping take care of them. Many more people will be in your situation as well due to the aging baby boomer generation. I'm sure you aren't alone and hopefully someone will have an answer for this. If nothing else, you should at least take time to go on a vacation while your mother is cared for elsewhere. Sounds like you deserve it.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Caregiverology