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I know this might just sound like me complaining but I don't know what to do. Just hours ago my mother lost a bottle of medication and her first instinct is "Someone stole it" even though she's been carrying it around to three different doctors, a surgery and an ER trip, and emptied her purse out three times since getting it filled. She also often makes comments like "You just walk around angry like you hate everyone and want us to die" or "You just don't want to do anything except for yourself." "You'll help other people but you won't take care of your own family" and even went so far as to say things like "I wish you were never born." when I was 16 due to an upset.....over cooking dinner. It wasn't even that something was really WRONG, it was that I was late cooking dinner. From a young age, as far back as I can remember, she's been like this. She once slapped me clean across the face because I was having trouble understanding a math problem when I was a pre-teen. Called me a pig when I went down on one knee (Kneeling) for a picture, and just generally always found time in her day to make sure that I knew she thought I was useless to her....and I'm the only person that takes care of her. When she needs something, I go get it. I run errands, I bring her hot towels when her muscles are having a spasm. I cook and I clean and I try to make sure that she's comfortable. No, I'm not a model son and yes we have our disagreements, but generally speaking I try to make sure that she's taken care of. And yet I still get those constant hurtful jabs. Another thing she'll do is misplace something and her instant excuses are either "You stole it, why do you always lie to me I know you took it. Just admit you took it because I know you're lying" even if I had never laid hands on it or knew what she was talking about, or she'll say "Well I gave it to you x days ago, where is it?" and...then when we start looking for it, we find it in her purse or her bag. But there's no apology. There's no "Hey, I'm sorry I said that." Instead, she just says "Oh. I found it" and goes on with her day as if everything hurtful that she just said never happened. I know this is a lot of "complaining" but...i honestly don't know what to do. I've got a herniated disk in my spine, have chronic depression and get maybe about three hours of sleep a night....The stress is physically and mentally breaking me down and I don't know how to make her understand that every time she misplaces or loses something doesn't mean someone is stealing something or that every time I walk by without a smile on my face that I'm "Angry at everyone / hate everyone." I mean, to give you guys an idea of how bad she is with keeping up with things...she loses her badge that she has to have to get into her office building. Almost every single day. I can count on one hand the number of times that she hasn't had to drive all the way back home because she's forgotten or lost her badge, and her immediate response is "WELL SOMEONE MOVED IT, WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE MOVE MY THINGS!?" As if we would intentionally put her CAREER in danger by playing "I spy" with her badge. I care about my mother. I don't want to have to be one of her children that has to say "Screw it, I can't take you anymore" and just move away with zero contact, but I feel like that's the only way I'm going to be able to keep MYSELF from going as bat-crap-crazy as she gets, like the time she started screaming at me because my dad asked me to buy a box of crackers from the store and I told him "I don't think I'm heading towards the grocery store, but I'll pick you up some later today". She then went on to tell my niece and nephew to "Keep him away from your grandpapa, he might try to kill him." and the kids looked up at me with a "What the heck is she talking about?" I've never once laid hands on anyone, nor have I ever been one to threaten or scream at people. Most of the time I stand there quietly while she screams at me, nod my head and just walk off, trying to hold it all in because I know anything I say will just be met with kindergardener like rebuttals such as "Oh whatever" or "Just shut up and stop talking to me" before she launches into a thirty minute rant about how everything that's wrong is my fault or that I'm just "So selfish"....again, even as I'm the only one physically taking care of her. I feel like I'm slowly losing it. She pulled me out of school at a young age, covered it with "Homeshcooling" but never took the time to actually teach me anything, I did my best trying to teach myself but when I failed something, I was just called "retarded" or "useless" or "Why don't you think, you piece of trash?" I'm sorry. I know this isn't a rant board but I don't know where else to turn. Is there anyone who has a parent like this? How do you deal with being verbally crushed every day? How do you deal with being called a thief or a liar whenever something goes wrong? How do you stay sane?

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Hugs x all I can say is I have heard some of the same. Even yesterday and today. You are in a difficult situation. You need an outlet. Even if it is just going out for a drive or hunting pretty rocks. Seriously anything to do for you...even if it is silly. Also dogs help. ;) I love mine cos they never act like my mom!!! They are unconditional with their love. You are not alone. Hang in there!!!
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I'm glad she's accepting the help!
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BarbBrooklyn - We had an aide coming in on Mondays and Fridays to clean and care for her. We told her we wanted to up it to at least 3 days a week and she refused. I had her social worker come out and evaluate her. The social worker said if she didn't agree to the extra day then they were going to recommend that she go to a nursing home instead. So she agreed. So that is set up 3 days a week and we've got a rotating schedule for hubby's siblings to do grocery shopping etc. Aide picks up her Meals on Wheels 3 days, church does it 1 day a week and his sister will do it one day.
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Rosenberg, is anyone caring for MIL now? I seem to recall last summer that she was need of a pretty high level of care due to bowel and dementia issues.
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It takes all kinds and it is unfortunate that you landed a parent who do not know how to 'give'. It is not you, it is her. Often, we are victims of victims of victims of... I too can never understand why parents are nasty with their kids and still claim to love them. It is something they haven't dealt with, and it comes from a place deep inside. As for the stealing, do not worry about that too much. Many elderly do that and it is a shock to the recipient, but quite common. If she still works and is fully lucid, then your mom is a very unhappy woman and alas, takes it out on you, the closest. She needs to go into therapy and get it out of her system, by the sound of it. Do not internalize it, it is a bigger issue. Look at her past.
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My MIL was always accusing my grandkids and DIL of moving her things. Stealing money out of her wallet. They ended up getting fed up and moved out in May. MIL called hubby last night. She's missing her wallet and her finger sticker (not sure what it's called but it's to get blood to test for sugar levels). She's SURE they came back and snuck in the house just to mess with her. They live 3 hours away and DIL is 8 months pregnant. Pretty sure she wouldn't have drove all that way just to sneak in and steal things. They know she never has more than $20 in her wallet and it would have cost that much just in gas for the 6 hour drive. smh
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PixelZed:
I'm going through a similar situation as you. I'm 53, mom 96!. Dad died 9 years ago. Ive lived at home my whole life because of health problems. Always lost jobs because I LOOK extremely healthy. From the age of 15, I constantly felt I had to RESCUE my mom from her unhappiness. I have an older brother and sister and they both moved out at 18!, I now know why!
So my mom is the healthiest person I've met in my life but made me believe she could die any day. I felt like I had to do everything to make her life better.
When dad died, I wanted her to relax and enjoy the time she had left. 5 years after dad died, mom broke her injured one leg and broke the other. I waited on her like a slave for six months, on top of being very sick myself AND barely able to walk. I cooked her gourmet meals twice a day and did EVERYthing! It took 4 years for her to walk normal again and I have still not received any credit of taking care of her. She acts like I did nothing but make a piece of toast and water for her . It's so hurtful. She never once has appreciated the fact that she can sleep at night because I'm always home, I make all the meals, buy all the ORGANIC groceries and cater to her left and right. I spent hours/days/and weeks/months teaching her how to use an iPhone and she never used a computer in her life! I'm her teacher, caregiver, doctor, nurse, taxi, secretary, physchologist, shopper, errand girl, and many more. I have a bad heart and I feel like I will die before her. If I could do it all over again, I would have saved every spare penny I had, and moved out, and I would have tried to make a life for myself. Now, when she does, I will have no life still. My brother and his bully girlfriend want to come to the house and stay for 4/6 months in the winter. Moms dividing the house up to all 3 of us. It's not fair. I be never had a life because she made me feel guilty about everything I didn't want to do that SHE wanted me to do. And she made me believe that if I say "no" to anything, their will be bad consequences. So I've been afraid to stand up for myself my whole life, for fear of something bad happening. I'm finally standing up for myself and at the same time praying to GOD that he shows me that bad things will not always happen. Sorry, didn't mean to make this post about me.
I've suffered from depression in and off but changed my diet to no sugar, only cook organic, mostly vegetables and some grass fed beef, and I take Great Lakes gelatin everyday ( it heals the intestinal tract) and it helps the depression go away in about 3 weeks. I think feeling better mentally will help you slowly figure out exactly what you need to do , to get out of the mess you are in! By the way.. you are an ANGEL thank walks the earth! Most parents children WOULD say " screw it" and walk away"! Hold your head really high and say " I'm somebody good and I deserve to. E treated nicely and with respect"! Think of it this way: how would you feel if a friend of yours was going through what you are going through? Would you want to tell him or her to be good to themselves and to stop letting people abuse them?
I hope some of what I typed helps you.. please keep us all updated.. there are a lot of out there that go through what you are going through and I'm sure a lot of us who were able to free ourselves from
the " Cage". God bless you!
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I had a herniated disc and eventually needed back surgery. I got about 3 hours of sleep at night - because of the pain. At the time my 94 year old mom with Alzheimer's and bladder cancer was living with me, I was caring for her and working fulltime. After the surgery I wasn't healing like I should. I was told it was because of all the stress in my life. Pain, stress and nerves are all linked together. Last August I moved my mom into memory care. I still have issues; but am much better and I do get to sleep at night. Sleep also has a lot to do with our body healing itself.  Sounds like you are neglecting yourself. 

Your situation sounds horrible, it's time to take care of yourself. Your herniated disc can get worse and then who will care for you. Please take the advice others have given you and get out to this toxic situation.
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I feel for you.

If your mom can drive and work, she does not need care.  Consider calling APS (anonymously) for your Dad.  If you can move out of the house, rent a room nearby, stay on a friend's couch - anything is better than living in a toxic environment.  Do you work?  Can you get a part-time job working from your new home?

My mom is much older and has, for the most part, been verbally abusive since forever. The siblings are not involved, and I help her with everything.  However, I live in my own home, an hour away, and assist two-three times per week.  She is doing well, and I wish she could have more help, but she is paranoid.  She is verbally abusive most of the time, and I give her options: We can get this bill paid now or we can let it go and pay penalties, or I can leave now/leave for an hour until you calm down.  If I come back next weekend, we will have blown a deadline b/c you would rather rant and insult me for no reason instead of handling household business. Works most of the time.

She has told me she wishes she never had me and other times how blessed she is that I help her. It's a hard pill to swallow.  When anything is missing, she says that I stole it b/c I am the only person who comes into her home.  90% of the time, she has hidden an item or misplaced it, and when I find it, no apology.  When I call her out on that she just says that she had to blame someone, and that she is not going to call the police now.  I think she hides some things so well, that we cannot find them, and I have spent hours looking for some things - I will not do that anymore.  What a waste of time.  

She brings up things from decades ago that she thought that I did wrong, and I just ignore it.  I was a good kid, and had to take on responsibilities from an early age as the youngest, with the older siblings flying the coop ASAP.  My job now is to make sure she is safe, clean, bills paid, has food, home maintenance, clothes are clean, hair washed, taking meds, etc.   

The most important thing for you to consider is moving elsewhere, finding assistance for your Dad, and getting on with your life.  If your mom calls and abuses you by phone, you can simply hang up - works like a charm.  In the near future, have a set time to stop by or to monitor help, and that's it, take care of yourself.  Good luck and let us know how things go.  Believe me, you are not alone.
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I'll go back and read the comments, but let me tell you this first. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are so many people who have been where you are. Do not subject yourself to the verbal abuse any longer. It is not good for your health, and you MUST care for yourself first. LEAVE. Do it please. You are under no obligation to put up with that. NONE. If this is who your mother is, as she gets older, and, what appears to be the onset of dementia, progresses she will only get worse. Leave. If you want her checked on, call APS and have them check on her regularly, but you need to get out. Trust me you will grieve for a little while at your loss, and then the relief will set in and you will feel 100% better.
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How very sad that your mother did not get help many years ago, there is no doubt that she needed it for herself, but also for your father and yourself. But, it is now and IT IS TIME TO TAKE ACTION! You're receiving great advise from the above contributors and I concur.

Please know that God loves YOU. He KNOWS you have great value and potential and purpose, after all He created you in HIS image according to the Bible. Pray to him and He will guide you in making the very difficult decisions you are facing.
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Oh, buddy--you need to get out of this situation.
I hope you answer all the pertinent ?? and come back. If you are "of age"--leave. Just, leave. Do you have sibs? If so, time for them to step up whether they want to or not.

Your dad is probably also being abused in some kind of fashion--and maybe he needs to be separated from mom.

My mother has said things to me that have caused me to look at her and think "WHY would you say that to ANYONE, esp. someone who is HERE, helping you, cleaning up after you, serving you?" She, too, did not want to have me. This is a hurt that runs deep and wide.

You need to get OUT of this toxic situation and into something healthier--and be more controlling of the time you do spend with your mother. She has kept you "away" from growing up and from having a life. Good parents DON'T DO THAT. They support and help their kids to one day fly the nest!!!

Your post broke my heart. Please come back and talk with us all some more. We care.
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I once read a book called "Get Me Out of Here!" It was a memoir by a woman who had recovered from BPD (borderline personality disorder) with help from a psychiatrist. That enlightened me as to what this sickness entails. Your mom sounds like she may suffer from it. I agree with some of the other commenters -- if you're under 18, call CPS, and if you're over 18, call APS (adult protective services). Not only for your own sake, but for your father, who it sounds like is also vulnerable.

Your mom needs help and at the moment you're the only one who can provide it for her, but you'll have lots of support from adults in your community if you reach out. Best of luck. I really feel for you, as I have known a couple of young people in similar circumstances. You have the patience of a saint -- but enough is enough.
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Your Mother could be a suspicious or paranoid adult with ADD. When a person has ADD they often can't remember where they placed their belongings i.e., keys/ badge or why they go from one room to another. When not diagnosed and treated it can get the adult to be blaming and suspicious. A person with ADD can learn to keep their purse organized and to pattern themselves where they put whatever in the same place all the time. See if your Mom will go to a Dr. with you so you can relay to the Dr. how you see her strange behaviors. She could be scapegoating her frustrations and shortcomings by lashing out at you. Blessings.
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" I've got a herniated disk in my spine, have chronic depression and get maybe about three hours of sleep a night....The stress is physically and mentally breaking me down "

How old are you? How long has this dysfunctional and abusive situation been going on?
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Since this abuse has gone on since you were a kid, it sounds like some mental disorder other than dementia. I have a close relative who can flip a switch and go into a rant, accusing me and others of unthinkable offenses -- and that's not even my mother, who has some dementia and is also paranoid at times. Abusers like ours think everyone else is at fault. They refuse to see that they have a problem and turn their anger and frustration on those who try to help them. It's driven me to sign up for a class on dealing with mental disorders, sponsored by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (Please check out NAMI.org!!). In the stress of the worst moments, I try to remind myself that this person can't help or stop their hurtful behavior; it's a sickness, as real as cancer. But it still hurts to have someone you always hoped would love and approve of you trash you -- that's just awful! You may not be able to get them to get help, but that's even more reason to get yourself some help in dealing with it. The stress and negativity is robbing you of your life. Please, don't let it destroy you. You're clearly a strong and caring person who has already overcome a lot to get this far. Hang in there - there's a brighter future for you around the bend!!
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You do not give an indication of age, other than the 16 yo reference, so assuming you are of legal age, the best thing you could do for yourself is get out. I realize this leaves your father without a caregiver, but your mother sounds quite toxic. You are NOT a slave and should not be treated the way you indicate your mother treats you.

IF you are still under age 18, CPS should intervene. Call them! Denying you education (breaking the law) and treating you like slave labor as well as being so abusive should allow them to assist you in getting away from all this. They would likely have to pull APS in as well, to ensure your father has someone capable to care for him. If you are over 18, could you try APS? I do not know how they operate, but I would think you would qualify as an adult in need of protection. At the least you could call and discuss this with them. If they cannot intervene, perhaps they can point you in the right direction to get some outside help.

Your initial comments would lead one to possibly think dementia, but as you go on to describe the situation, it seems quite clear to me anyway that 1) she has been like this most of your life and 2) she is still able to work, so I would NOT consider this a case of dementia. Our mom starting accusing others of taking and/or stealing things, but that was AFTER the onset of dementia and was only because SHE was misplacing items. Your mom has been doing this way too long for me to consider dementia as a cause.

Although there are similarities in behavior I dealt with growing up, your mom is way beyond anything my mother did. However, that behavior IS abusive, both physical and psychological. Compounding that behavior over such a long period of time ensures your lack of self-esteem and makes you question yourself. Pulling you out of school limits your options for getting out, but getting out is key here! This behavior is how domestic abuse often works for married couples or people in a relationship. It is insidious and unfortunately the scars and bruises do not show. For anyone who believes only women suffer from this, one name comes to mind: Phil Hartman (former SNL and actor, killed by his wife) There are many instances where women are actually the instigators and it IS far more difficult to get others to believe that, but it DOES happen.

IF she is capable of driving and working, there is NO need for you to be her slave and jump at every request. The constant barrage of accusations and negative comments will wear one down, and having started this at a young age, you can grow up possibly believing some of it is true. Do you have any siblings and/or other relative who could be of assistance (getting you out of this situation, providing a safe place to live while you get your own life together?)

Given that you were pulled out of school, assumption is you do not have a HS degree. IF you can get out and work on a GED, that would help you towards becoming self-sufficient. First order of business is to find some way OUT of this scenario! Seek outside assistance in getting set up somewhere else and then work on making a better life for yourself. At the least DO NOT continue to let this woman's abuse taint your self-image and lay guilt on you. SHE is the one who is guilty. It won't be easy, but it will be best for you in the long run. You cannot change her behavior (only she can, and likely will not), but you can change your own, including any reactions to her demands (do not immediately run and do her bidding - it will likely increase her negativity, but if you can learn to tune it out, it might help) and do NOT let her guilt trips sink in - let that roll off as best you can, because YOU are not at fault here.

I would highly recommend that once you get out of this situation, have as little, if any, contact with your mother as possible, because this behavior will only continue AND is likely to get worse if you do manage to get away from this! It might mean cutting off ties with your father as well, but while it is sad for you it is best for you in the long run. If she is abusive to your father now (or might transfer her negative abusive behavior onto him if you leave), APS!!!
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I had a friend who gave me the best advise on this situation. When your parent says something hurtful/hateful they don't really mean it. They don't realize what they are saying and just let it go. My mom did not lash out at me but not quite as far as your parent seems to but she was sure that I moved things, too. I just helped to find the missing items. When she was hospitalized she was sure that I had a team that was going to kill her. All I could do was assure her that I was not. I did pray to God to please help me when I was at my limit. I couldn't understand why He was not until one day I realized I was still happy and sane. All I can say is ignore all the bad times and just give them hugs. You will cherished all the good that you are doing for your parent when they are gone.
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PixelZed,
i haven't read your lamentation all the way thru - it was too painful! you are too loyal, patient...a 'scapegoat' as one commenter mentioned..
but it is not to your credit - i say gently, respectfully - that you've let it go on to this point. your mom is sick. my [always dizzy, losing things-] mom calls me regularly about people stealing her things. she has dementia. your mom needs an evaluation...
...and btw - that does no good! our geriatric center did no good! she is still blaming others, calling police...and driving me crazy. [i live nearest of all sisters] i was finally directed by her dr to see a geriatric PSYCH - why didn't the geriatric center advise that years ago!
as my mom is 'healthy' otherwise, this sad scene is likely to continue for years. so give yourself those years, see less of her; they don't appreciate the help; they are newly and cruelly programed by this thing called dementia.
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PixelZed, please check the "related" questions below. The 1st 2 on my screen are 1. is it normal she's so negative? and 2. when is enough enough w/narcissistic parents?
- if I read your part correctly, you'd be labelled as "the scapegoat", a classic part played by so many kids its sickening, imo
- if you don't know about that game yet, scapegoats are usually the game-changers, & this is good, imo

I wonder what happens at work when she loses items? I'd be surprised if her colleagues aren't picking up on it. Even with just the amount of times she's forgotten her work keys... that should be a habit.
Not knowing if you're able to move out, such a major decision! Congrats for being there for them, especially your Dad.
I hope you're not giving up major portions of living your life. Speaking as one who did because I didn't know better; I found this site years too late.
I'm glad you reached out. Keep on!
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Yes btw, my mother is quite a bit like yours. Thankfully I moved out for college and never lived with her again. I think you'll get a lot out of reading about borderline personality. She can't help it, but YOU can - I'm so sorry you've lived this way for so long, and you must get a new world for yourself. You deserve help seeing what is necessary to be a good kid (and you are!) and what is not. Please get a counselor, it is covered by your insurance.
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Pix, there is a disease process going on for sure. The extreme anxiety she feels over 'issues' like the candles is clear. If you feel you have to lock your door at night, that's not a good sign either! Your father surely qualifies for regular caregiving, and your mother will qualify for treatment when you get her evaluated. It's going to be very challenging but you'll do well to step back from the status quo you're in now and restructure your life and their care. Please seek a coach or counselor asap, speak to your parents' doctors and get them the appropriate external care services, and ideally move somewhere else nearby. I think you should be monitoring their care, not giving it. Think how lucky they are to have you to just *monitor* the care, many including me will not have that. Good luck, you can do it!
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See, that's kind of the issue. She's "well" enough to drive or do other things, but as soon as she loses something or misplaces something (Which happens often) her immediate response is to start lashing out at everyone. I'm not a legal guardian or anything, but I'm a physical caregiver, ya'know? I live in the same house and take care of her and my disabled father. It's just that whenever ANYTHING doesn't go my mothers way, she goes from 0 to 100% pissed in a matter of seconds. She doesn't have a logical train of thought but instead immediately goes to extremes.

For example, she wanted to buy some crappy plastic candles from amazon, picked the lock on my door at 3 in the morning (She does this just about every morning) and woke me up so that I could drive to wal-mart so she could order some plastic candles while they were on sale, even though the sale was lasting for weeks, or the other night when she once again picked the lock on my door to tell me to come change the wallpaper on the computer because it was "hurting" her....(It was some moving lines tracing hexagons.)

I'm honestly of the mind that she has some sort of mental disability, such as dementia. She will swear on her life that she's done something or said something but groups of people will be witness to the fact that she didn't......and she'll then say that every single one of the "witnesses" are lying.
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BTW, some people sound accusatory when they can't find or do something. It's like it's someone else's fault because they don't want the blame. And then people with dementia can actually believe that someone is stealing or moving things. My mother accused me one time of taking something. I just told her that I would never do that, then helped her find it. (My mother has dementia.) Fortunately, she doesn't make a habit of accusing me.
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I get reminded of the Rodney Dangerfield joke when it comes to how some parents treat a caregiving child -- "I wouldn't belong to any club that would have me as a member." Strange how that can apply. Siblings can be seen as too important to caregive. My family is like that. My mother would never expect my brothers to help because they have responsibilities. So it falls to one (me).

I wondered that since your mother is driving to work does she really need a caregiver. If she doesn't, then it would be a good time to put your life together separate from her. I don't know the full story and know that depression is tough. But from the sounds of it, the environment you're in isn't great for lifting depression. It is just a drain on your self esteem. I have a feeling there is more going on than I am seeing. Tell us a bit more.
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