My mother is losing her mind. Is it time for placement?

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My mother is 75. She's been losing her mind more and more lately. She's having extreme fits of rage, screaming and cursing at me and my child. She refuses to go to doctor's appointments, refuses to answer the questions of the insurance agents, so they denied her caregiver services. She claims she refuses placement, won't take her medications as directed, she's become angry, violent, extremely forgetful, and sometimes doesn't know how or when she arrived to the present. Her speech has began slur a lot over the passed month or so, and often times she appears drunk. I thought perhaps she was taking too much medicine, but she said she's actually taking less, because some of them were making her sick. She wants to give me medical power of attorney to handle her medical needs, but then she refuses to cooperate with the medical staff, insurance, and caregivers. She has made numerous caregivers quit, even mine as I am also disabled due to my injuries, and also require a caregiver assistant on a daily basis. She is literally impeding my needs, her own needs, and my daughter's needs. I can't take care of her on my own because I'm really hurt. I fell off a 60ft cliff. In turn, if I'm in too much pain to take commands, she curses at me and screams at me to where you can hear her outside of the house. It's madness. I don't know what to do, and I have no where else to go. Even if i did, I can't just leave her here alone, she will die.


A month or 2 ago, she fell out of bed, between the bed and the wall, and couldn't get up on her own at all. She fell at 3A.M., and I didn't find her untill 8A.M. When I woke up in the morning, she appeared drunk, had slurred speech, and it was so hard to get her off the ground. She's 175LBS, and I'm about 129LBS soaking wet, because of my muscle atrophy. It took me 30MINS to get her back into bed. I had to use boxes, and get her to kneel on each one like a step, till she got her stomach on the bed, and I was able to roll her unto the bed. A few days later, she goes hysterical because there are dirty dishes, and starts cussing at my 14-year-old daughter calling her vulgar names, because she didn't wash the dishes. She walks around all day talking to herself, cursing, and even "talking to God." She's become some kind of religious fanatic, but at the same time, very evil and angry full of hatred and violence. She has even hit me and pulled my hair when I pray for her. I don't know what else to do. All of my brothers have been gone 15-20 years and the whole family has pretty much disowned her. I'm the only person she has left. I feel bad thinking about putting her into a home, but I feel even worse about leaving her here alone. I don't think she can survive without me at this point, but she constantly abuses me and my daughter, physically and emotionally. She has fewer days of being her old self or civil as time progresses, and I'm afraid soon she will lose all coherence. Then she won't be able to sign over POA, which I don't know how to do. I just have authority over her insurance and setting up appointments, signings, and setting things up. What's worse is she keeps telling me to get a lawyer to form her will and turn all the crap over to me including the house, estate, and belongings upon her death, and I don't know how to do any of that, or want to, but it has to be done. If I wait any longer I'm afraid she will descend into madness and won't be able to make those decisions. What on earth do I do now? I can't even get her to go to her appointments, so nobody knows what's exactly wrong with her, or why her mental illness has been so heavily amplified the passed few months. She shows symptoms of seritonin syndrome, and has been on tramadol for years, which is actually an SSRI pain reliever with opioid properties that cause seritonin syndrome, along with nuerontin which can cause suicidal behavior, and tizanidine a power muscle relaxer. She often complains she wants to die, and has these fits of sobbing, and rage. She literally acts possessed and has even said she has hallucinations. She's always had mental problems of sorts, but lately it has become full on madness and rage. I can't take care of her if she won't cooperate. I'm in so much pain with 80%of my body shattered and reconstructed that I can barely care for me and my daughter alone, let alone an elderly mad woman who won't cooperate or be proactive in her own healthcare. I live in Texas, and heard the only way to put someone in placement is under there own consent, but she won't consent and she won't be civil towards the caregivers. She has put me in an impossible position.

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Next time she falls or gets violent - call 911 - have her taken to ER and explain to social worker her symptoms and that you can no longer take care of her in your home. The doctors and social workers will work to get her placed. She obviously needs medication, medication management, and 24/7 staff that can address her needs. This is way more than you are trained or can be expected to do. You will help her by helping her get the care she needs.
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I totally understand!!! Your mother will be angry with you. Think about it though - she obviously cannot care for herself, so you, as her loving daughter - have to see that she gets the care she needs. Even if she doesn't want it.

I had a friend who's grandmother was acting out so much and getting violent and her parents did the 911 route to get her checked in to geriatric psych unit. Horrible guilt, but grandma was helped significantly - it probably saved her life. The doctor said it was like having a drug addict that you had placed for treatment - you know it is needed, you do it, even though the addict denies need and is angry at you.

remind yourself - you are doing the best for your mom.

The other important thing - you do need to protect your child!!! If your mom is getting out of control and yelling at your child - that cannot continue. Get mom the help she needs!!
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I am at the other end of your situation. Mom continued to be so resistant that her health suffered considerably. When it became life-threatening such that I could not manage to keep her from imminent death (if you refuse to take liquids, you die in three days), I called EMS and that began the Hospital to Rehabilitation to Placement scenario. It will be crystal clear to a hospital or rehab social worker that you cannot manage her and you will receive a lot of help finding a placement. Regarding guilt: there is another kind of guilt to think of to balance this: your daughter's childhood and teenage years. I partially sacrificed my attention to my daughter while taking care of Mom for years starting about the time she was fourteen. It took two years of weekly psychologist meetings to handle her anger toward me for abandoning her for the benefit of my mother. It took another three years for her to come to understand how her flawed mother was torn between work to support us all, taking care of Mom, and then giving her the dregs of my being. Don't let this go on any longer for your daughter. You will live with this guilt far longer and more palpably than any guilt about placing your Mom in an appropriate healthcare facility.
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I'll leave the nitty-gritty advice to the others. From an emotional standpoint, you and daughter need a residential separation from mom -- however that happens -- because you need to get your daughter out of that environment.

At age 14, daughter is still imprinting. Her home life is her primary influence regarding respect, self-esteem, boundaries and teamwork.

Daughter has already seen and heard too much abuse that's tolerated in the name of love and relationship status. Even if you tell daughter every day that she's awesome and grandma has no business treating her or you like that (and you probably do!), where does daughter lay her head down every nite to go to sleep? Where does daughter wake up every morning? What does she come home to every day after school?

I'm not picking on you. Your plate is full, indeed. But in the face of all acute drama, it's easy to lose sight of how these warped life-lessons are molding your daughter. If she is mature-beyond-her-years and functions as your sidekick, there's probably some "parentification" happening, too. Google it.

Daughter is living the perfect recipe to grow up and take emotional, physical or financial abuse from a man. I'm sure you don't want that for her.
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Guilt?

Forget about guilt completely.

This is no time for useless sentiment. You need to think, act, pull up your big girl panties and do the right thing for everyone in the house.

Your mom needs to be seen by specialists who can help her and get her placed where she can receive the right meds and care. Talk to the police and the EMT, and her doctor!  Make a plan. The next time she has one of her screaming fits, dial 911 and get her to the hospital, as advised above. Don't wait for her to fall.

Once you do this, you will wonder what you were waiting for.

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!
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MTRX2010, you will get over the guilt. Read your last line, that she has put you in an "impossible" situation. I had to place my dad about 6 weeks ago into a dementia care facility (assisted living). It was horrible leading up to the "big day" and of course for a while afterward. But now I rest easy knowing that I had no other choice. None. Good luck to you. I had POA paperwork in hand, unfortunately we had to trick my father into the facility as he would not go willingly. Luckily he does not remember how he arrived there, he believes three men "ambushed" him and took him there. I am a 5 ft. tall woman and took him on my own.
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The reason I ask if she does she probably is a Co2 retainer and needs immediate care C02 retainers have 2 mind sets, alcoholic and 5 year old they have no in-between once it gets bad enough. Also she could have an untreated UTI that causes rage/delusions/falls/outbursts of swearing/seeming like they are drunk ext. You could have one or the other or both on your hands get your mom to the doctor ASAP and have her blood gas levels tested and have her tested for a UTI it could go septic if you let it go any longer.
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I'm in florida, but I did use the baker act approach when my mom's dementia got out of control and she became very violent and confused all the time. I agree with others, call 911 or take her to ER. Explain she's having a mental breakdown and you can't handle it anymore. Then once they admit her to the hospital, ask immediately to see the social worker and make plans for her to NOT go back home. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Patients at this level need care way beyond what you can provide.
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MTRX2010, you've gotten some good answers so far. In addition to the things others have mentioned, your mother could have dementia. Those symptoms are entirely consistent with that condition. But we sure can't diagnose her from this forum! We can say that your mother is seriously, seriously ill. She needs medical attention. But she refuses it! What can you do?

If she is likely to harm herself or others -- pulling your hair?! -- in most states she can be involuntarily committed to a psychiatric ward or special facility for up to 72 hours, during which time she will be evaluated (as much as can be done without her cooperation), diagnosed, and a treatment plan created.

How can you initiate this 3-day commitment? The next time she is "mad" and threatening you, call 911, say your mother is having some kind of mental health episode and you are afraid she is going to harm you or your daughter. You need to have her removed from the house.

Another approach would be to call APS and explain that you have been trying to take care of your mother and she now needs more care than you can handle. You are moving out, with your teenage daughter. You love your mother, you don't want to leave her alone, but she refuses to allow you to arrange for help.

As to the guilt ... there is no way to avoid that. If things continue until mother descends into madness, you'll feel guilty that you weren't able to prevent that and help her and you'll feel guilty that you've exposed your daughter to this. If you take steps to get her help, even if that means she is evaluated against her will, you will feel guilty about that. In your situation I doubt you can totally avoid feeling guilty. (FEELING guilty -- not really being guilty!) Push those guilt feeling to the back of the mind, and don't let them make any decisions!

Has anyone on this forum used the Baker Act approach in Texas? Called APS? What was that like?
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I have been where your at several times you she needs immediate medical attention, my mother lashed out at my child but you need to keep calm and tell yourself something is wrong. My mom sometimes would have a UTI and high Co2 and see people and curse and not know where she was. She would fall and act crazy and we would have to call 911 and find out her Co2 was 125+ and she had a border line UTI sometimes all those things would happen and she would have one or the other but the key is fast treatment because it's not your mom it's her body reacting. My mom was in a care facility when she once came down with both, trust me a care facility won't notice till she becomes lethargic then they will do something. But that also comes with both being lethargic can be a huge sign plus lack of eating and drinking there are so many signs and it looks like you are seeing them all. Get help ASAP I beg you I have seen all this too many times so has my child. My mom just recently passed away from complications of being a C02 retainer.
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