Why does my mother who lives with me treat my alcoholic brother like a god and me like dirt?

Sticks: I just read Austin's post to you. I really struggle with things that SVT says, plus Libracat and sometimes 3PinkRoses. They have lived a life that I have been exposed to, but not anywhere to the extent that they have endured. They so understand the mental hard wiring of a person raised by a narcissistic mother. I spent my time in therapy, as has SVT. It takes a lot of effort to do that and try to change the perspective that you've trusted all you life, but it can be done.

Here's the problem I have with babying along someone who continues to take abuse from a parent, no less in their own home. What would these same people say if you were living with a man that beat the crap out of you physically everyday. Would they just say how they understand your pain and not encourage you to make changes. Abuse is abuse and at some point in our lives we have to take steps to heal ourselves. In the case of an abusive husband, you get a restraining order or move yourself to a battered women's shelter. You don't stay with someone who inflicts pain on you everyday. Why is it less abusive to be emotional tortured and made miserable than it is to be physically abused. The scars are less visible, but they are there and they change how we love and who we think we are. The fact that we just continue to accept the abuse is an indicator that we don't see our value and the wrongness of the pain we continue to accept.

That's what really upsets me. Someone who intentionally hurts you is an abuser. My husband was in law enforcement for 35 years and I've seen things most have not and I would not wish on anyone. Maybe it is easier to have a reaction to a woman who is in a hospital with photographs of a swollen face, blackened eyes and bandages around her head. That's undeniable abuse and anyone with a brain in their head would want that woman to get to a safe place. That's how I feel about women who are abused and used by their mothers. We just can't see the scars as easily, but they are there.

I respect SVT and I know she is trying to explain the basics to you. She wants to get you thinking about how you think and why you think that way. I may not be as gentle because I know the years SVT has put into therapy (my guess) to get where she is. You could spend a lifetime as you are now. What a waste of your precious life that would be.

Sticks, general rule of thumb. Don't live with or date anyone that does not make you happy. You've spent a long time with your mom and the result is you have crawled further and further into a dark hole. You mom takes up more and more space and rules the roost and you pay all the bills. HELLO!

Sticks, I'd like to see you come home from work and find someone making you dinner for a change. Someone who would rub your feet if they hurt. Someone who would let you know you are special and they feel blessed to have you in their life.

Everyone has an opinion and they are all honorable. I want you to be happy. Don't be lazy about that. If you are too tired to do anything about this, if it's just easier to go hide in your room, then that is called depression and you need to get some help with it. Talk to your doctor about what is happening in your life. Please get into counseling.

You are a precious loving person. Take steps towards your own overdue happiness. Just my thoughts. Love, Cattails.

Good ideas from other posters! One thing that might be wise is for our to get an idea of legal requirements applying in your state so that if Mom tries to threaten you, you know where you stand. One thing ever abuser I've ever run into does, is use ignorance to victimize. This doesn't work when you know where you actually stand. I had to separate myself from my mom's life - a therapist helped me to see what had been going on. I had never seen it as the abuse it was because there was no physical violence involved. Being Catholic I was concerned about obligations to parents, so I consulted several priests about conservative Catholic teaching on this topic. I was told that children owe their parents help if the parent falls into destitution, BUT this does not mean taking them into your home, or even spending time with them. You can get them under public conservatorship, into a safe facility, etc. That is actually the extent of your obligation - you are never obligated to let them, or anyone, abuse you. None of us human beings is anyone else's "lawful prey." One priest I talked to about my family situation actually warned me never to visit my parents without a friend accompanying me, and even then only for a short time! Hearing the moral law spelled out that way made it possible for me to ignore parental guilting. Please take care of yourself - this world needs all the good people we can get.

Learning [and using!] better ways to set boundaries
--healthy ones--
on others' use [or abuse!] of you, is very important.

Here is the "business" directions page of an article Oprah posted, that is kind of a nutshell for anyone to learn/use:


It has good, concise directions on this webpage, many who came from abusive families can surely lean to use
--stuff we needed to learn as children, which dysfunctional families usually work hard at keeping members from using
[to keep them dysfunctional and under control of the "lead abuser". ]

It is always good, at any age, to learn helping, constructive tools like these, to replace the dysfunctional ones we got raised with.

Hope this helps!

Boy, I can so relate to this subject! I have one older brother and two younger sisters. I have been my mother's sole caretaker for 20+ years now, since her brain aneurysm and subsequent stroke (who would have thought she would live THIS long??). My brother, being the oldest and only son, has always been favored by Mom. My next younger sis was favored by my dad while growing up, leaving me and the youngest sis being the "step-children." Diane (the youngest) is sweet as can be, but also has Cerebral Palsy since birth so, as far as I am concerned, she is the only one who has a legitimate reason not to help with Mom. My dad died 4 years ago, but he had divorced my mother and remarried, and lived half-way across the country, and I have had to face the sad truth that my daddy was the only one (besides Diane, that is) that was true to his word. Neither of my other siblings, nor my mother, have been good or even decent toward me for caring for her for so long. Neither have really ever said, "Gee, you probably need a break once a decade or so, would you like me to stay with Mom for a few days?" I have managed to fight my way to get them here to stay with her for short periods, but it hardly seems worth the effort. They usually act like they have to catch a plane or something the way they rush off from here when their job is done (usually their job being driving 50 miles to borrow money from Mom or to bring Mom cookies and sweets that she hoards in her room, and they usually take her (lor vice versa) to lunch in order to please her and keep their credit good or whatever.

Yes, I am bitter toward them a lot, but usually more in awe that they can be so selfish toward me. I have had all 3 of them steal from me now, brother tried to bully me and Mom treating me like a slave since I ran out of my own savings and retirement and she has to share her little empire with me. Getting money from her is like pulling teeth most of the time, and she always wants to be sure to be as dependent as possible so I am made to EARN my pay. Very sad situation I allowed myself to get into, mainly because I thought we had a fairly close family and, certainly, thought I could trust them. Once Dad died, it was ON, because he was the one who held the family to good values--little did I realize.

So I can certainly give advice about what NOT to do. It seems I trusted the wrong people, gave way too much of myself and my money in the belief that they would do the same for me if the shoe was on the other foot. No, I had to quitclaim my 1/2 of our home so Mom could get a reverse mortgage on it and I have gone through that money. It was a fraction of what we paid in 2007, as you can imagine. All I can do or suggest is to pray and try to hang on to your sanity. God bless all of you for your generous gift of yourselves and time; you are angels! (We are!)

dizzyrider,

It sure sounds like you could use some help from your local Area Agency on Aging, for some pointers on how to get on a better track.!!!

Sounds like Mom has made sure to run all the finances into the ground
--and destroy your finances in the process.
THAT should NEVER have been allowed to happen
--but I can totally understand how,
with family being so dysfunctional!
It is past due for you to begin doing some damage control!
You need some good, solid help from whatever sources you can tap for information, direction, advice, etc--whatever you can find.

It is probably too late to rescue the house.
The reverse Mtg. will provide income to Mom as long as she is alive,
but that disappears the minute she goes into a nursing home or dies.
UNLESS you were disabled and over 62, and on that reverse Mtg. also...
IF that was done, you would also be a recipient of that reverse Mtg, beyond your Mom's needs....
But it doesn't sound like that got done.

IF Mom connived you into signing over your home so SHE ALONE could get reverse Mtg income based upon YOUR property equity,
AND still has her own income [even if it is only SSI],
it is PROPER for her to be paying you monthly, to help cover costs of utilities, etc.
Seriously, $300/month is chump change.
Figure what rent would cost her ANYWHERE else--even for a low-income apt.
THEN figure what it would cost to hire someone to do all the things you do daily [and nightly] for her. Add that to the monthly estimate.

Clearly, she must be clueless how much it costs to pay for herself, out of pocket?!
It is proper for her to pay you a monthly stipend, no matter what--since she basically took your home's Equity!

You MIGHT be able to put a lien on that home for all the work you do daily
...a lien on the property means, before proceeds from the sale of that property get distributed, you get paid first [well, you stand in line after whoever filed liens before you did.] NOT sure how this works when the bank owns the house, and the bills are generated by Mom.
IT might take the form of a Lien against her Estate--if there is one, or if she has not yet given it all away, burned it, buried it, etc..
Get a copy of that Reverse Mtg. paperwork, so you can have a lawyer look at it to see if you can do this.

For that, keep meticulous records daily--write your hours spent, duties done, every day, on the calendar, and keep those calendars.
Use those calendars also to put together billings that can be submitted;
I am not sure how a lien is done, but someone should be able to advise you!

Please get legal and financial advice, how to do some damage control for yourself!

It is terrible for relatives [ANY of them, for ANY reason] to destroy anyone who does the care-taking.

Sure, you [and so many others of us!] have trusted the wrong people
--it is easy to do, when one is starving for the love we missed as children
--that hunger never goes away, and leads us into some deep pitfalls, too easily.
BUT...we CAN learn how to prevent falling into so many holes, can learn how to protect ourselves, recognize the trains coming before we get hit with them.
It's a learning process.
Takes time, takes friends,
takes folks who understand and are cheering for your successful resolution of these troubles.

I dearly hope your situation gets resolved, and quickly enough to find you some bootstraps to pull up to protect yourself !

{{{hugs!}}}