Why does my mother who lives with me treat my alcoholic brother like a god and me like dirt? - AgingCare.com

Why does my mother who lives with me treat my alcoholic brother like a god and me like dirt?

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My mother lives with me in my house. Even though I pay the mortgage and all the bills, I have no say in what goes on in my house. She is 71 years and is reasonably healthy with except of arthritis. The last few years she has become meaner towards me, quick to snipe at me, nothing I say is right, etc. Yet, my alcholic brother (who lived with us for awhile) can do no wrong. She tells him she loves him, never says it to me. I disagree with him, I'm a horrible person who hates him. It's becoming so bad I just stay in my room when I am not at work so I don't have to see her. She even once told me I was around, so I could pay the bills. I'm afraid of what she is going to be like as she gets even older, because I'm to the point I don't want to be around her anymore.

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dizzyrider,

It sure sounds like you could use some help from your local Area Agency on Aging, for some pointers on how to get on a better track.!!!

Sounds like Mom has made sure to run all the finances into the ground
--and destroy your finances in the process.
THAT should NEVER have been allowed to happen
--but I can totally understand how,
with family being so dysfunctional!
It is past due for you to begin doing some damage control!
You need some good, solid help from whatever sources you can tap for information, direction, advice, etc--whatever you can find.

It is probably too late to rescue the house.
The reverse Mtg. will provide income to Mom as long as she is alive,
but that disappears the minute she goes into a nursing home or dies.
UNLESS you were disabled and over 62, and on that reverse Mtg. also...
IF that was done, you would also be a recipient of that reverse Mtg, beyond your Mom's needs....
But it doesn't sound like that got done.

IF Mom connived you into signing over your home so SHE ALONE could get reverse Mtg income based upon YOUR property equity,
AND still has her own income [even if it is only SSI],
it is PROPER for her to be paying you monthly, to help cover costs of utilities, etc.
Seriously, $300/month is chump change.
Figure what rent would cost her ANYWHERE else--even for a low-income apt.
THEN figure what it would cost to hire someone to do all the things you do daily [and nightly] for her. Add that to the monthly estimate.

Clearly, she must be clueless how much it costs to pay for herself, out of pocket?!
It is proper for her to pay you a monthly stipend, no matter what--since she basically took your home's Equity!

You MIGHT be able to put a lien on that home for all the work you do daily
...a lien on the property means, before proceeds from the sale of that property get distributed, you get paid first [well, you stand in line after whoever filed liens before you did.] NOT sure how this works when the bank owns the house, and the bills are generated by Mom.
IT might take the form of a Lien against her Estate--if there is one, or if she has not yet given it all away, burned it, buried it, etc..
Get a copy of that Reverse Mtg. paperwork, so you can have a lawyer look at it to see if you can do this.

For that, keep meticulous records daily--write your hours spent, duties done, every day, on the calendar, and keep those calendars.
Use those calendars also to put together billings that can be submitted;
I am not sure how a lien is done, but someone should be able to advise you!

Please get legal and financial advice, how to do some damage control for yourself!

It is terrible for relatives [ANY of them, for ANY reason] to destroy anyone who does the care-taking.

Sure, you [and so many others of us!] have trusted the wrong people
--it is easy to do, when one is starving for the love we missed as children
--that hunger never goes away, and leads us into some deep pitfalls, too easily.
BUT...we CAN learn how to prevent falling into so many holes, can learn how to protect ourselves, recognize the trains coming before we get hit with them.
It's a learning process.
Takes time, takes friends,
takes folks who understand and are cheering for your successful resolution of these troubles.

I dearly hope your situation gets resolved, and quickly enough to find you some bootstraps to pull up to protect yourself !

{{{hugs!}}}
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Boy, I can so relate to this subject! I have one older brother and two younger sisters. I have been my mother's sole caretaker for 20+ years now, since her brain aneurysm and subsequent stroke (who would have thought she would live THIS long??). My brother, being the oldest and only son, has always been favored by Mom. My next younger sis was favored by my dad while growing up, leaving me and the youngest sis being the "step-children." Diane (the youngest) is sweet as can be, but also has Cerebral Palsy since birth so, as far as I am concerned, she is the only one who has a legitimate reason not to help with Mom. My dad died 4 years ago, but he had divorced my mother and remarried, and lived half-way across the country, and I have had to face the sad truth that my daddy was the only one (besides Diane, that is) that was true to his word. Neither of my other siblings, nor my mother, have been good or even decent toward me for caring for her for so long. Neither have really ever said, "Gee, you probably need a break once a decade or so, would you like me to stay with Mom for a few days?" I have managed to fight my way to get them here to stay with her for short periods, but it hardly seems worth the effort. They usually act like they have to catch a plane or something the way they rush off from here when their job is done (usually their job being driving 50 miles to borrow money from Mom or to bring Mom cookies and sweets that she hoards in her room, and they usually take her (lor vice versa) to lunch in order to please her and keep their credit good or whatever.

Yes, I am bitter toward them a lot, but usually more in awe that they can be so selfish toward me. I have had all 3 of them steal from me now, brother tried to bully me and Mom treating me like a slave since I ran out of my own savings and retirement and she has to share her little empire with me. Getting money from her is like pulling teeth most of the time, and she always wants to be sure to be as dependent as possible so I am made to EARN my pay. Very sad situation I allowed myself to get into, mainly because I thought we had a fairly close family and, certainly, thought I could trust them. Once Dad died, it was ON, because he was the one who held the family to good values--little did I realize.

So I can certainly give advice about what NOT to do. It seems I trusted the wrong people, gave way too much of myself and my money in the belief that they would do the same for me if the shoe was on the other foot. No, I had to quitclaim my 1/2 of our home so Mom could get a reverse mortgage on it and I have gone through that money. It was a fraction of what we paid in 2007, as you can imagine. All I can do or suggest is to pray and try to hang on to your sanity. God bless all of you for your generous gift of yourselves and time; you are angels! (We are!)
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Learning [and using!] better ways to set boundaries
--healthy ones--
on others' use [or abuse!] of you, is very important.

Here is the "business" directions page of an article Oprah posted, that is kind of a nutshell for anyone to learn/use:


It has good, concise directions on this webpage, many who came from abusive families can surely lean to use
--stuff we needed to learn as children, which dysfunctional families usually work hard at keeping members from using
[to keep them dysfunctional and under control of the "lead abuser". ]

It is always good, at any age, to learn helping, constructive tools like these, to replace the dysfunctional ones we got raised with.

Hope this helps!
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Good ideas from other posters! One thing that might be wise is for our to get an idea of legal requirements applying in your state so that if Mom tries to threaten you, you know where you stand. One thing ever abuser I've ever run into does, is use ignorance to victimize. This doesn't work when you know where you actually stand. I had to separate myself from my mom's life - a therapist helped me to see what had been going on. I had never seen it as the abuse it was because there was no physical violence involved. Being Catholic I was concerned about obligations to parents, so I consulted several priests about conservative Catholic teaching on this topic. I was told that children owe their parents help if the parent falls into destitution, BUT this does not mean taking them into your home, or even spending time with them. You can get them under public conservatorship, into a safe facility, etc. That is actually the extent of your obligation - you are never obligated to let them, or anyone, abuse you. None of us human beings is anyone else's "lawful prey." One priest I talked to about my family situation actually warned me never to visit my parents without a friend accompanying me, and even then only for a short time! Hearing the moral law spelled out that way made it possible for me to ignore parental guilting. Please take care of yourself - this world needs all the good people we can get.
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Sticks: I just read Austin's post to you. I really struggle with things that SVT says, plus Libracat and sometimes 3PinkRoses. They have lived a life that I have been exposed to, but not anywhere to the extent that they have endured. They so understand the mental hard wiring of a person raised by a narcissistic mother. I spent my time in therapy, as has SVT. It takes a lot of effort to do that and try to change the perspective that you've trusted all you life, but it can be done.

Here's the problem I have with babying along someone who continues to take abuse from a parent, no less in their own home. What would these same people say if you were living with a man that beat the crap out of you physically everyday. Would they just say how they understand your pain and not encourage you to make changes. Abuse is abuse and at some point in our lives we have to take steps to heal ourselves. In the case of an abusive husband, you get a restraining order or move yourself to a battered women's shelter. You don't stay with someone who inflicts pain on you everyday. Why is it less abusive to be emotional tortured and made miserable than it is to be physically abused. The scars are less visible, but they are there and they change how we love and who we think we are. The fact that we just continue to accept the abuse is an indicator that we don't see our value and the wrongness of the pain we continue to accept.

That's what really upsets me. Someone who intentionally hurts you is an abuser. My husband was in law enforcement for 35 years and I've seen things most have not and I would not wish on anyone. Maybe it is easier to have a reaction to a woman who is in a hospital with photographs of a swollen face, blackened eyes and bandages around her head. That's undeniable abuse and anyone with a brain in their head would want that woman to get to a safe place. That's how I feel about women who are abused and used by their mothers. We just can't see the scars as easily, but they are there.

I respect SVT and I know she is trying to explain the basics to you. She wants to get you thinking about how you think and why you think that way. I may not be as gentle because I know the years SVT has put into therapy (my guess) to get where she is. You could spend a lifetime as you are now. What a waste of your precious life that would be.

Sticks, general rule of thumb. Don't live with or date anyone that does not make you happy. You've spent a long time with your mom and the result is you have crawled further and further into a dark hole. You mom takes up more and more space and rules the roost and you pay all the bills. HELLO!

Sticks, I'd like to see you come home from work and find someone making you dinner for a change. Someone who would rub your feet if they hurt. Someone who would let you know you are special and they feel blessed to have you in their life.

Everyone has an opinion and they are all honorable. I want you to be happy. Don't be lazy about that. If you are too tired to do anything about this, if it's just easier to go hide in your room, then that is called depression and you need to get some help with it. Talk to your doctor about what is happening in your life. Please get into counseling.

You are a precious loving person. Take steps towards your own overdue happiness. Just my thoughts. Love, Cattails.
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Why is she acting this way-because it works for her -she has arthrities but her mind works well give her 3 months to get other living options-she will just get worse if you want proff read about Elisa on the thread two year Mom has been living with me and see what she went through and finally got strong enough to break out and her Mom is now gone-give her choices AL or NH or live with brother dear-why should you have to hide in your own home-right away so not take off from work to take her anywhere -there are taxie's or busses-stop enabling her-it is about time she grew up and took some responsibility for herself-you do not owe her anything-keep us posted and get strong or else 20 years from now you will be having the same problems-you do not deserve to be treated this way-we teach others how to treat us.
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SOVERYTIRED---
Such a wonderful answer! It had me crying as I read it to my DH, because I am one of those kids, too [even tho I'm well over 50]--so is he, though he's been in denial of that.
The way you described, it made sense...we do our darndest to please our parents; when it does not work, we keep trying for the rest of our lives, badly, unless we figure it out and put the stops to that mess!
This is such a great bit of advice!
It takes work, but with persistance, we CAN rewire our early conditioning, and get a better sense of self-esteem.
As long as we repeat the same bad-early-childhood-conditioning habits, those who treat us badly get to keep doing their bad trips on us--it's almost like giving them permission to keep doing it.
The -minute- we start making healthy changes for ourselves, the dysfunctional people must change too, since they no longer "have our permission" to keep doing it.
And, they don't like it.
Elders who find themselves in that position, often act out badly or worse
--probly because they cannot just freely find elsewhere to go on their own, to help themselves keep being the same old way.
They want to keep being the same old way, and will fight to keep that bad behavior, because change it scarey.
Make sense?
WONDERING:
When you started making good changes for yourself, perhaps, getting brochures for care-homes or facilities that are potential places for your Mom;
Or, stop giving gifts to her. If she asks [it would more likely be a complaint], tell her "you have disliked what I gave you as "presents"; I give to you quite extravagantly already, in providing housing, bills paid, food...
[things like that].
Make dates for yourself, have fun, learn to reward and treat yourself far beter than your parent[s] ever did.
IT helps one gain a radically different perspective...just understand, as Soverytired said,
THOSE parents were broken as kids, too; they could only dish out what they got programmed with; no one told them any different.
WE know different, so can do different/better.
It takes work.
Sometimes we back-slide.
BUt at least we know, and try better.
You can too, Sticks.
You have been doing a heroic job of taking care of your Mom under very difficult circumstances.
You surely have some Stars in your Crown for that, and will have more before it's over!
The knee-jerk response might seem to be "get her out of your house!"
But that might not be do-able yet, or you might, once you start feeling better about yourself, think you can keep doing it --be wary about suddenly feeling better about keeping her in your house!
When a dysfunctional adult gets on a roll, so to speak, things get worse.
You really need to have backup plans, like other places she can be moved to, or ,
be ready to turn over care of her to the hospital if she gets admitted to one for something--even for a day or 2--just notify the Social Worker at the Hospital, upon admission, that Mom cannot come back to your house, as you can no longer manage as her caregiver.
At that point, the hospital social worker becomes responsible for finding her a place to move to, NOT you. The whole load would then be off your shoulders--and it makes a hugely better difference for your health!
I pray for you a Peaceful Heart, that you find good resolution before you lose any good memories you had of her.
{{{hugs!}}}
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Sorry I got so interested I read last page & posted then realized the conversation here had 1 more page now I see cattails is here she is why I said sticks the people on here will look out for you. Im ussually the one getting advice. Trust me I know what it is like letting everyone walk all over you & you just sitting in your room missing life. These ladys have helped me alot. When seems like no one else cares.....
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Sticks You came to the right place these ladys on here are amazing & wise & look out for you when no one else is. Im early 40's to I have 2 sisters never knew much about the golden boy syndrome till Ive been around my MIL for past 20 something years she treats me good. Always has said I'm just like her own. My husband is the baby but, never did no wrong but, he was always good to her but, his older brother has ran all over country with different woman she would send him money & many of holidays get the sisters going wanting them to contribute to send him money. Then 10 years ago he moved back got married had 3 kids & his wife said she couldnt do it and walked away. He is single dad now and even comes and sits with mom what kills me them two never do no wrong never did in her eyes. I see that alot on here The mom favors the boys. I have 3 kids My son being oldest 23 & I love him to death but I love my girls just the same... I just don't get the golden boy syndrome you think its the era?????
Sticks Hope you find a solution soon you shouldnt suffer to make others happy. Would she want to move? Keep us updated.. And you can always come on here and vent IT helps so much......
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Sticks: I'm sorry I was so short in my previous post to you. I agree with Soverytired and she has a great way of explaining things. Here's my problem, and it is mine not yours or anybody elses. I just hate to see people mistreated. It just rips my heart open. When I hear someone talk about a parent who abuses them, I just want to step in the front door and haul someone's ass to another location.

Making your way out of being abused by a narcissistic parent is not easy task. As SVT said, you are hardwired to keep trying to gain their approval. Their validation is all you have ever wanted. The sad truth is you will never get it from them.

Sticks, save yourself. It's the best thing you will ever do.

I am sending you love and apologies for not being kinder. I just want you to be free and to learn how to love yourself. You are so deserving of a better life.

Love and Hugs, Cattails.
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