She favors my brother but he can barely stand her. She is mentally sound and physically amazing. She makes up lies about alot of our family members. I would like to have had a close relationship with her but too much water under the bridge now. I want to know if any of you have cut ties with a parent and how did it go? People who know my Mom will not blame me.
It's unfortunate, but many families are fractured because of situations like this. You may want to try counseling for yourself, so you know what direction you want to move in. You aren't alone, that's for sure. But please get some professional advice before totally cutting ties. Then, if you must cut ties, you'll know you've done your best.
I do not see her physically but I still make sure she goes without nothing. This site has helped - I have come to terms that she has and always had a personality disorder- however much it hurts me to know my mother used me -( fear obligation and guilt-) you have to accept however unfair - it is what it is and do the best you can.
Sad to say some familty members and church members have nothing to do with me because of my decision. But then it isn't them- they never lived with her - saw what she was behind closed doors- physically and mentally abusive.
Someone said the personality disorder can mellow with age. I think just the opposite, it gets worse with age. Although old age creates a certain amount of fatigue so there isn't as much energy behind the outbursts.
It's a horrible situation. What a waste of life and good living.
It has been 5 years since I posted this comment and here is what happened to me. I finally decided to put up borders with mom. It was easy since I live in a different state and it would require a plane trip to visit her. So I decided to call her once a week, let her talk about herself, make negative comments and basically ignore what she was saying. I did not visit for 5 years.
She would make comments about me not visiting but I ignored them too. She told me once that I was welcomed in her home for 2 or 3 days and that was it. I decided to stay home but I did invite her every year to spend the winter with me in Florida. She refused. I was supposed to visit her when she felt like it.
Thirty years earlier she and dad made a will dividing their estate between me and my brother. I always had the feeling she would leave me out if she could. So she did the sneaky thing. She went to the bank and made my brother beneficiary of every single thing she owned, about 700,000.00 worth. All was left for me was half of an old house valued at 100,000.00.
In late March she became very ill. She had less than three months to live. We called hospice and I travel to stay with her for the first month. During this time my brother discovered what she had done with her bank accounts and told her that no matter what she wanted or did, he was giving me half. So he told her to make it easy for him and add me to the accounts. She did but never addressed this with me, never soothed my hurt feelings.
I spent a month with her and she never changed. Not even a little bit. She blamed me for stopping up her plumbing because I brushed my hair in the bathroom, she blamed me for not putting enough gas in the car when I went to the store to buy and pay for all the food, she blamed me for cracking my window at night to get a breath of fresh air, she gave away jewlery I wanted for my girls, her granddaughters, to her grandson to give to his girl friend. She would not let me watch any TV except what she wanted (the Walton's). And most of all she never addressed my hurt feelings and the fact she gave my brother all of her money basically disinheriting me. She never changed.
When I left, I knew I would never see her again. She died six weeks later. I heard just after I left she changed her attitude and was like a different person. Well good for her.
I guess if there was a silver lining in this sad relationship it was my brother. He was a far better man than I thought and I respect him more than ever. He told me he had do the right thing and answer to God. Mom has to answer too.
So please understand your mother has her own demons for whatever reason but it does not give her the right to abuse you, a loving and caring daughter. Distance yourself and take care of yourself and realize people like our mother's are damaged or sick or mean or whatever. But it is not our fault ever.
And most of all they die sooner or later. The movie ending of bedside confessions and airing it all out doesn't happen with these types. They never do anything wrong. Get some help, read some self help books and put up that wall. It is really all you can do other than just totally disconnecting with her. Take care.
If THIS IS A GENUINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, THOUGH SOME MELLOW WITH AGE, THEY ARE APT TO BE ENTRENCHED LIFE LONG COPING SKILLS THAT WILL CONTINUE TO CAUSE YOU PAIN AND ANNOYANCE AS THEY COME FROM PEOPLE YOU LOVE, WOULD LIKE TO LOVE, USED TO LOVE, WITH LOVED AND CARED FOR YOU, SHOULD HAVE LOVED AND CARED FOR YOU USED TO OR JUST DON'T.
Sorry hit cap lock, but it is important. When loved ones are as toxic to you as strangers who care nothing for you and do nothing but cause harm out of selfishness, disregard ignorance or it just being who they are it hurts and it effect every aspect of you life.
You need to put your needs first here or risk being either turned into one of them and taking it out on the world or being whittled down to a non-entity who doesn't believe you deserve any better and you DO.
Take care of yourself, make friends outside the family system, always remind yourself when talking to this person they are not going to improve , this is always the main spring of who they are with you and do not keep waiting for it to clear up or get better or go away.
Now when I have to deal with people in my family I remind myself they are still playing these games, have issues that are THERE PROBLEM NOT MINE! and I am not afraid of them anymore. I AM the authority on MY life, I choose what is of value to me and what They think of me, does not matter.
Too long a post? But a serious issue for anyone dealing with it,and many here are...Best Wishes....
What is it about parents that are jealous of their kids and not happy for them.
It is very dysfunctional behavior and she is obviously not going to change. I would try to get along with her and not let it bother you or just stay away from her at all costs.
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