Wife and I are thinking of moving my mother out of her assisted living apartment (there was a COVID scare and there are ongoing visitation and socialization restrictions) and moving her permanently into our home. The thought of leaving her there alone and isolated does not sit well but we are also worried about negative impacts to mother and ourselves. Wife and I live alone, big house, no issues financially.
Are we crazy?
My friend told me yesterday that her neighbor contacted covid. The elderly gentleman has 2 nurses caring for him. One went to a party over 200 people and was exposed to covid. This gentleman has cancer. His son was in town visiting. the other caretaker was around as well. All the people were exposed to covid, due to a "party". The son went home. He lives in a different state. I wonder how he went home... plane? car? hopefully.. Was he was not affected? I am not sure. Hopefully, he did not contract the virus. Hope he is okay and his family, and the people he may have been around while traveling back home....
My friend will walk with me every once in a few weeks. If she sees me steering too close, she will shove me in one direction as she jumps away in the other direction....Duly noted.... Keep AT LEAST 6 FEET AWAY FROM HER !! And HER LITTLE DOG TOTO.. too........ yip yips.
someone told me, that if you went to a Thanksgiving Dinner over 25 people, there is a 100% chance that you were in contact with a person who has covid..
I stayed home.
And even if he wasn't affected, he might have been asymptomatic and able to spread it to others during his travels home. Ugh.
You are not crazy.
We moved my parents in with us full time, they are 82. It can be tough but depending how your family dynamic is and your relationship with each other, it could be enjoyable. That being said not everyone can do it. Thankfully my dad can get around ok but my mother had both knees replaced and doesn't get around so well. She is also recovering from her bout with breast cancer and has incontinence issues and I also give her showers because she can't do that on her own.
We were not lucky enough to have kids so we have just been dog people - we love dogs, they are our kids. Our infertility however made us realize it was for a reason, because taking my parents in was like have two toddlers. Two toddlers who should know better lol. They will do things like leave lights on and the faucet dripping a little so we always joke with them that now they are our kids.
We do lose some privacy but because our house is fairly big, too big for two people and dogs so it really is ok. It's not that we ran naked in the house but I guess the only draw back is that my husband can't grab a glass of milk in his undies in the middle of the night. :)
There are also times when we disagree with my parents or they do something that we may not do but honestly the peace of mind of having them with us and us being together is worth more than any money and worth more than the privacy we have lost. Plus I don't think I would trust anyone else to care for them. They visited my brother in California for a few months before COVID hit because they used to be snow birds, they would live with us in Ohio during the summer and with my brother in California for the winter. When they couldn't come back to Ohio in March it made us all realize their home is here with us - full time. My brother has 4 kids and his mother in law living with them so that house was full, and I was constantly worried his younger kids with give my parents something. My parents also get along better with my husband and I.
I read the other posts, not that they were negative, they were honest and brought some good points to light but again I think it depends on your family dynamic. We like having my parents with us, in fact we are trying to get my husband's mother to live with us too because we have plenty of room but she's stubborn, she is living in her house she paid off on her own so we totally get it and her need for independence.
My husband and I are honored we are able to care for our parents now, since they brought us into this world and took care of us.
Good luck on your decision :)
Make sure you have enough liability insurance just in case a careworker "falls" and strains the back.
Been there done that but never went back to retrieve mother out of the Nursing Home. Many of times I wanted to go back months later & take her out I was burnt out & I did not like that feeling yes I visit her every day but it’s a whole lot different
. I see your mother Residence assisted-living & apparently she is still able to do a lot of independent work for herself. Remember why you place Mother there. because you couldn’t no longer attend to her needs/additional changes Unnecessary things additional viewing an outlook for her. I’m not saying we don’t love our parents because we do you always have to remember safety first for you & for her health wise you & her mother needed additional care &if that was the case you could’ve left her at her home & arranged Caregivers come into the home even if it was 24 hours using two nurses in a certain part of the day. You could stay with mother until after lunch & the 2 nursing system will take over after that but that didn’t take place . I’m saying if you take mother out of the nursing home or assisted living you have to keep in mind when you signed that contract you need to read it again the contract of the application when you place reads in there and if she is gone in 30 days she automatically lose her spot.
( That’s even with Unexpected Hospital stay regardless the bill is being paid )
if this occurs remember all the paperwork you had to go through & the waiting list it’s not gonna be that easy now that we have covered this pandemic on our hands.
You’re saying it’s mother is the one who says she wants to come home and live with you they all say that. Is mother comprehending if so you need to explain to her over the phone or your virtual visit on your computer that right now it’s not possible because of the pandemic.
But if she has Onset Alzheimer’s or Dementia then you have to come up with unique stories I guess you’re on vacation are you just need to call mother once a week . Just call the nurses station to check on her makes it easier for her and Family.
When I found out really is to get with the social worker there at that facility. They are one of the best connectors and someone to actually converse with them concerning any matter. I had experience that the one at the nursing home they are your best advocate go to person. I learn to talk to the director call up there don’t just let mother have the upper hand you do have to Tools . Management people to speak with for guidance . Mothers not being miss treated and she’s safe do you sleep well at night not wondering if she would get up and walk out the door like wandering seniors do , falling down the steps walking around at night in the dark around the house forgetting where the bathroom is and having problems elsewhere in the house .Does this residence community has a chaplain .
My suggestion to you/wife to get a piece of paper and fold it in half. One side is positive/negative write everything down for least once a week something comes to your mind and then you two compare your papers & see what you both agree on and then discuss it. Just remember eventually mother is 89 her condition will decline and her body will be real fragile. More care is needed are you ready .Is your house senior proof handrails all in the bathroom hallways areas where need to be assistance. Do you have enough room if she needs a wheelchair. Have you cleared out a room or do you have a extra bedroom for mother. Did you order a comfortable hospital bed. That can raise up & lower front and back & with bed rails. Did you order the incontinence to come in the mail & her medications.
Do you know eventually they don’t want to get in the tub/ shower. And then you have to wash are doing the plastic bag wash, plus her hair dry shampoo . There are a lot more you are to check your own self out on the back of the paper. Yes/No I’m I ready. Truthfully don’t be negative towards each. God Bless You are known living in her World.
I personally think AL is a better choice. But it's up to you.
My parents moved in with us a little over 2 years ago. My Dad was in hospice and passed 2 months later. He had Parkinson's and became nonverbal in addition to being total care. He could, however, hold himself over to one side of the bed when I asked him too and I could always tell he was appreciative.
We could not have done it without each other's full support. I work at home and he is retired. Towards the end, though, we had to hire someone to help with their care.
My Mom is 92, has advanced dementia, and there have been times when I've wanted to force her to do something (or prevent her from doing something) and until I got used to her behavior and/or figured out a work around, it was horribly difficult. She isn't total care yet, but the only ADL she does is feed herself. I'm not complaining, though. She's very sweet and has shown more appreciation in the past 2 years than she did my entire lifetime before that.
I have 3 siblings, 1 local, 1 in Alaska, and 1 a 6-hour drive away. The one in Alaska offers moral support, a listening ear, is a sounding board, and brings me back to reality when I start to lose it. The 1 who is local helps some, but not as much as I'd like. Through therapy, I have come to realize that "reasonable is not always realistic" when it comes to getting help from her. The 1 who is 6 hours is the one I turn to when I can't figure out what to do. He would come get Mom in a minute, and has offered to have her visit for a weekend, a week or two, or permanently, if I needed or wanted he and his wife to help.
Be as realistic as you can when you think of your mother's future needs, as well as the needs of you and your wife. If at some point you can't meet her needs adequately, hopefully all of you will be grateful for the time you were able to take care of her.
Good luck and God bless!
You will never regret giving your mom all the love and care that you can.
It is not easy, but totally worth it. When you need a break, and you will, hire help to come in and give you a hand.
There are some uncomfortable jobs, such as showers and toileting that may come eventually. For me, it was helpful to get assistance with showers and bathing. Toileting was no big deal.
There are few times in life that we get the chance to really step up and be heroes. This is one of them.
Thank you for being a hero.
What plans for yourselves have you and your wife discussed? For example, my husband and I are renting an RV and touring Civil War historic sites. You won't be able to just get up and go if she's living with you. And she could live another 10 years.
Bottom line: do you and your wife really want a roommate?
Then, in 2017, she fell in the bathroom and broke her leg in two places. Hospital, then to what was considered one of the best nursing homes in city. Her leg healed but she was hurt several times over a year during subpar care - both PT and aides - that she could never walk again. We finally brought her home again. She died at home, as she wanted, a month after we brought her home. Both my husband and I deeply regret not bringing her home much earlier, no matter how hard it was to take care of her. Granted, our relationship with her was a good one, and I realize some people don't have that. We did not have a big home, or money for outside help, and my brothers did not volunteer to help - so you have so much more going for you than we did. Our only regret is not taking her out of a place where she was so unhappy and not well cared for sooner. But you need to do what you feel is right for you and your wife and mom.
Knowing what we know now, we would certainly take her in again.
DON’T do this. It will be demoralizing to her, having lost what little independence and privacy she has left. She could become extremely dependent on you for care to the point that your lives and schedule will revolve around her needs.
In March we were all blindsided by the virus and subsequent fallout. This time we all have warning.
No specific advice as every situation is different and personal. I would just urge everyone to keep this in mind.
First time fooled, shame on you. Second time fooled, shame on me.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
We created a lower level large bedroom, bath, kitchenette area for her. She has a large area that she can use outside of her room if she chooses but loves her own room.
She comes up to eat lunch and dinner with us. I prepare the meals and help her with her laundry
So far so good.
I know things can change fast in life but I'm hoping we are providing companionship and support while she's able to live here, hopefully to the end.
About 2 weeks before my mom passed, my husband had a kidney stone attack. Because we couldn't leave mom alone, he had to drive himself to the ER to get taken care of. It was horrible - I had to make a decision- take spouse (who really is my second responsibility after my kids) or take care of mom who really wasn't able to be left alone for such a long period of time. If your wife gets sick to the point where you have to take care of her, you might find yourself in the very unenviable position I was in. And I was lucky, relatively speaking, because we knew what was wrong with my husband, and what the likely treatment would be. If it had been something we weren't sure of, then I really would have been in trouble.
I bring this up for a reason. I've seen many, many discussions on this forum, especially since the pandemic started, about the debate leaving LO in a facility vs. bringing them into someone's home. I've seen discussions on keeping your LO safe, should you bring them into your home, from exposure to the illness.
However, I haven't seen anyone say "oh, and I have a concrete back-up plan should I get the virus and am too ill to take care of said LO".
My husband and I have a friend our age (his 50's) who was on a ventilator for over 60 days. Yes, I said 60 days. He was one of the lucky few who survived being on a ventilator that long. He got off it in June; it's now November, and he is not even close to 100% healthy. He can barely take care of himself, much less anyone else.
So my question to you is this: do you have anyone onboard who, should your wife and you contract this disease and mom doesn't, who can put their life on hold to jump in and take care of mom until such a time that you are well enough to take care of her again? And I'm not talking about just the time you are contagious; I'm talking until you feel well enough to take on the huge responsibility of taking care of her? This is something you need to have lined up BEFORE you bring her home - and make sure the person you recruit for this is 100% tried and true to their word!
I hope you can reach a decision that brings you peace.
The sooner the better. Seniors being isolated is causing so much depression which leads to death and they are usually under staffed and with tge virus around would be safer in your home.
You said you had a large home so just hire a Caregiver to help out, so you and your wife will still have a life.
Of course, you should let your mom know your thoughts and see what she thinks and feels.
https://thefederalist.com/2020/11/25/a-90-year-old-woman-killed-herself-to-avoid-another-covid-19-lockdown-shes-not-alone/?fbclid=IwAR2YdKlF7dXc1X5rsrUAec26fCDrzTRvyCZYruB1UiY88f7McgRGx47C75k#.X8NSDf6m8Pt.facebook
It's been a little over a year, and it is still hard on me, but I've managed to forge my own life out of necessity. There is life after mum. I grown to realize people DO die--they are supposed to. I call life an ordeal and her ordeal of living and dying is over. I am thankful despite her insulin-dependent diabetes, kidney disease (from insulin-dependent diabetes), hypertension, and history of cancer, she had the most most horrible Alzheimer's imaginable but mum lived to be 90 but required enormous quantities of care, which I provided. She died not ever needing a single drop of psychotropics or narcotics, and I used Hospice like a clinic as I made them do labs, urine tests, and whatever else was necessary and just to renew her medications--insulin and lopressor--and although her cholesterol was high (around 225), I could not treat it because of her Alzheimer's. I mean if she had side effects from statins she could not tell me so I had to wing it. I kept her going and walked her in the park everyday for 5 years and she was bedridden only 2-1/2 months because she forgot how to stand. She could not focus on that task. Still with a Hoyer lift every day I would put her on her easy chair, then back to bed, and I would change her diapers about 5 to 6 times a day, and inspect her skin, have plenty of ointments. I bathed her, and I made certain she was put on a bowel schedule. She pooed every Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays and with lactulose she did that like clockwork. That in itself consumed HOURS of my time and you have to get used to cleaning up your own parent including private parts so she would not get a urinary tract infection. You don't have a choice because she ended up not being able to do it! CAN YOU DO THAT?
And you BETTER make sure she poos because if mum did not have a bowel movement the 4th day she would get IMPACTED, which is serious. That means the stool is so hard and large it cannot pass--Emergency room!
Ironically mum died of OTHER natural causes not related to Alzheimer's (I ended up having to put a feeding tube in her, which requires a ***LOT*** of care) and she did great with that. I did not want her to die of dehydration which can take 2 weeks. Mum died in total peace and hospice came over daily to ensure she is comfortable and not once did we have to break open that emergency kit. Not once! And when mum died, her skin was in perfect condition.
I do NOT regret taking care of mum. You only have one mum and when she dies you will never see her again. I would give my soul to the devil if I could have her back, but that would be selfish due to her multiple health issues, and I am thankful I had her that long with her multiple health problems, and her death was the most peaceful anybody could ever want. She did not suffer at all. I remember when mum died she opened her eyes and took two deep breaths and that was it.
But oh my God I miss her so badly. Still, as the saying goes life does go on and mum would not want me miserable, so I live on without her. Despite mum's very advanced Alzheimer's she would rarely come back and she said she loves me and she managed to say thank you for taking care of her. That's the most precious thing I will ever have in my life. Mum was the only thing I ever cared about in my life. Nobody else.
When you bring her home, make certain you get all the legal crap in order including estate planning, wills, POA, and pre-arranged funeral which means seeing an eldercare attorney. Death is a legal quagmire. Even with estate planning
Not everyone can do that. You seemed to do it successfully.
You gave your mom unconditional love.
I am glad that you had help from hospice.
I can see how you would miss her terribly. You didn’t resent caring for her.
She obviously loved you as much as you loved her and thanked you for caring for her.
I am not saying that you could ever forget her. You will always miss her. She does live in your heart.
I know that your mom would want you to be free now, at peace knowing you gave all that you could to keep her comfortable and live life for you now.
Just as you wanted the best of everything for her. She would want the same for you.
Take care, Cetude. Be at peace. Many hugs.
VERY much so. This would likely ruin all three of your lives and relationships.