Mother is awaiting an assessment for dementia. In respite care as home carers couldn't cope. Anyone else been in this position?

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Mother is awaiting an assessment for dementia. In respite care as home carers couldn't cope. Anyone else been in this position?

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Mother had three one hour visits a day from a home care agency who now say they can't staff these and she has become rude and difficult and carers don't want to go in and have said she needs some respite care. Manager of her retirement development thinks she now needs a nursing home. I am awaiting GP assessment which was begun but discontinued during covid period. I have had to take her, crying and protesting and against her will, to a nursing home while things are sorted out. She is saying I have kidnapped her and am spending her money (on the home) without her consent - the latter of which is true but I have LPA. She insists she is going home (she wouldn't be able to arrange this herself and wouldn't be able to cope without carers). A family member has said this is illegal and I am out of order as she hasn't been assessed for mental capacity yet. What else could I do? I couldn't move in with her as I have carer responsibilities at home. The family member says I should have found another agency, or used two different agencies. When the two weeks of respite are up I can't take her home without carers in place and in my view full-time care is now needed as she wasn't coping well when alone - constant phone calls and confusion but also with good, lucid days which seem to have convinced some family members that she is okay. Show-timing maybe. Anyone else been in this position? I need advice.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Care Decisions Home Care

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Tell family member if they feel they can do a better job you will be happy to Pack a bag and drop her off at the family members house who seems to think your not doing a good job. And if they take you up on it call them daily and let them know how much you disapprove of how they and handling things. As you have power of attorney also let them know you will undue everything they try. Than fix yourself a cup of tea, open a box of chocolate and enjoy the moment. Because for sure you will get her back as soon as they figure out what a joy she is.

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How is that realistic or helpful?

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Leave her where she is, and tell the family member to piss off.

From your update post below it sounds like a good NH and that's she's adjusting well. She'll probably like being around people her own age, though will never admit it.

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Thanks Zippy Zee: this is exactly what I have done and I'm keeping my fingers crossed she won't want to leave this homely, caring and sociable place to go home to long, lonely hours between carers.

(7)

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Ask your Oh so helpful family member if they can take her in whilst an assessment is being arranged. You seem to have a number of professionals saying she needs to be in a care environment. Don't take her home until assessment is done - find a facility that will do respite care if the family member cannot take her and concentrate on what you think it right. We had 6 months of battles with mother when we moved her into a care facility but fortunately we were supported by family. In respite they will be able to assess her needs seeing her 24/7 which is what she needs to happen. Good luck xx

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Thank you TaylorUK - I am now telling mother and family that she needs to stay in the nursing home until an assessment is done (and we have a diagnosis of her difficulties and what the progression is likely to be) when we will review the situation. Everyone now thinks this is fair enough. Hopefully by then she will have settled and want to stay there. I think she has made a friend there: fingers crossed!

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Give up the LPA. Now. Let the joint LPA and the "sibling abroad" take over. Then, when you see that your mother isn't faring well after a short time, call Adult Protective Services and report it. People like you describe HAVE NO CLUE what the responsibility and decision-making is like.

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Another option is to take her to a hospital for an involuntary psychiatric admission. Since her home caregivers feel they can not care for her - probably feel threatened - then an inpatient evaluation is in order. She would be assessed for medical health problems and psychiatric health problems. Both would be adequately addressed and social services can help with her placement after she is stabilized.

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Thank you for your sensible reply.

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Tell the family member to step and do it. Hand over the reins.

Im sure a lot people here will agree that finding the right caregiver can be a long process. If your mom can stay at home she’ll be happier but give her a caveat that she will have to have someone with her, someone she chooses, not you. And then start interviewing. We went though 15 before we found two that mom got along with. One I almost fired for a mistake but decided no. And she turned out to be wonderful and stayed til the end. Choosing the right caregiver is a long process and look outside of agencies. Agencies usually take 30% to 70% if caregiver pay so there are a lot of very good independents looking for work and they know how to handle dementia.

Dont try to take on more than you can handle get help from your siblings. The one who griped, get them to come sit with your mom for a few days. Good luck

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Thank you PatienceSD we are looking at all the options carefully.

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To use your LPA you need to register it - have you already passed this stage, or were you waiting for the formal assessment of mental capacity? Which sort of LPA is it, or do you (both) have both?

It is no part of your responsibilities to move in with your mother and provide for her daily care needs, whether or not you have other inescapable commitments. Sit easy on that point.

Family members such as you describe can be a thorn in one's side. So she thinks you should have found an alternative "package of care," does she? Oh right. And she knows where to get one, does she? No. Thought not.

Is she just tiresome or can she create meaningful trouble?

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Thank you Countrymouse. I have both Health and Welfare and Property and Financial LPA. The trouble I fear is that our mother will be moved home without the proper care needed as my sibling believes her when she says she will be okay there. What I am hoping is that she will settle into the very good NH and want to stay there! She was not happy spending large parts of the day alone in her own home so there is at least a chance that this might happen. There is always trouble between my siblings I just don't want our mother to become a football between different goals.

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If this is still up in the air, could you do a ‘deal’ for family unity? You will help if the key family member spends 3 full days sitting with visiting her in the NH to get a real idea of how she will cope, plus 2 full days with her at home to get a clear picture on the spot. And of course if mother wtill wants to ‘go home’. That’s less than a week of key family member’s time. Explain about ‘showtiming’, and repeat that you don’t want mother to be a football between different family members. For you, the NH should give you 2 days at home without it being ‘leaving’. If the key family member won’t commit to a week to check things out, you are in a very strong position to justify your take on it to everyone involved.

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What is the relationship of the family member? Can you just ignore it? Perhaps the simplest thing is to ask this person to take your mother in, or to arrange the care for her themselves. Even to spend a couple of full days with her in the facility to see what things are like over a more extended time – we all know about show timing!

It does sound as though in a way you have ‘kidnapped her’, but you can’t see alternatives, at least none that are likely to work (eg multiple agencies). That’s why you should pass the responsibility for finding alternatives to your family member. And if they continue to say that it’s ‘illegal’ suggest that they go to the police about it! It is inevitable that the police will ask them what they suggest should be done about it all, so they need to get ready for that..

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Thank you Margaret. My mother did at first agree to the respite and I took her to see the Nursing Home which she agreed was nice. I made all the arrangements. On the day she didn't want to go and called me names and phoned family to say she didn't want to go, that I was "sending her away". When I told her the usual carers would not be coming she knew she had no alternative but to come under protest absolutely cursing me. The Nursing Home was great: they reassured me this was not unusual and I was not to worry and could phone at any time which I have done only to receive more verbal abuse - although she does seem to be mixing with other residents and is eating well. The family member is a sibling who lives abroad and is now phoning around other family members to get someone to fly over and take her home and arrange new carers. One of them is also LPA which is joint and several but he has no idea how our mother's cognitive skills and short term memory have deteriorated and no experience of the kind of care needed and probably wouldn't stay long enough to find out - leaving mother maybe unsafe (and me to pick up the pieces). Even if mother was declared mentally incompetent either LPA can act on their own. .

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The focus here should be on your mother's well being. Think long and hard about where she will be most content and safe. Is it possible to keep her in her home, have in-home care that is not constantly changing, and monitor her through wifi cameras set up around her home? Having 3 different aides a day can be confusing for an elderly person - put yourself in her shoes. You have 3 strangers with 3 different personalities in your home essentially taking over. It's a hard thing to accept no matter who you are. Add a touch of dementia to that, it's downright scary. During her lucid moments, explain that you love her and will not abandon her. Try to explain the situation in a way where she understands and her input has value. I am not judging - I am just advising you that if you cannot give her what she wants - namely to live out her days at home - then make sure wherever she ends up is a place where she will still feel loved, valued, safe and content, surrounded by capable and caring staff.

Mother is awaiting an assessment for dementia. In respite care as home carers couldn't cope. Anyone else been in this position?

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