Mother is adamant that she will do exactly what she wants with her money. At 90, issues are starting to occur. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

Mother is adamant that she will do exactly what she wants with her money. At 90, issues are starting to occur. Any advice?

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My mother is widowed as of four years ago. Although she has plenty of money, she had millions stolen from my nephew (cash left in the attic). Still she has real estate, rentals that I manage, and we have sold some, so she still has a large estate. She allows me to be joint on her accounts, but no POA. She insists she can do whatever she wants with her money and no one can tell her what to do. She still drives, plays bridge, etc. But, I see where she is becoming very forgetful. Constantly changing her mind about what she is going to do with her money. My brother recently came into town from out of state, lied to her about some stuff, and she wrote him a check for $20,000 to keep the peace (I was upset, because my brother wouldn't even allow me to call and talk to her, without listening in on the phone.). He came to town with an agenda, to manipulate her by arriving with a big trailer to get something worth 8K. He told her it was worth 20K. Therefore, she sent him away with the check instead. I am so angry and upset, I want nothing more to do with him. I am wondering when he will come back. I am the only local sibling. Never got along well with my mother. But after nephew stole all the money from her, I got put into the position of managing all her money and real estate. I am sick about all of this. I feel helpless. My brother is gleeful, because he thinks "he won". I am so disgusted by all this. I frankly feel like if I can't put POA or other safeguards in place, I am ready to walk away. Let the chips fall where they may. My mother is cocky and will do what she wants, and is 100% sure of her competency (which is failing). Any advice?

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I think that will probably happen to my mother. A fall. She falls now on occasion and has to press her panic button. We send someone to pick her up

The real estate will transfer on death and same with brokerage account. No probate for either. We did this cause she doesn’t want the blood sucking attorneys to get her money! Her words! Funny since her brother is an attorney. She lives on 5 acres that must be mowed. In a 3500 Sq ft house. She will not downsize. She needs the house for all her antiques and stuff 😊
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hoolyk, unless your Mom has everything in a Revocable Trust, the estate would probaly need to go to Probate Court. And that can take up to or even more than a year to finalize, so make sure the siblings realize that. Thus, in the mean time, the estate would need to maintain the house, pay the real estate taxes, utilities, yard work, cleaning, etc. Probate Court, the Judge may allow you to sell the house, but the funds would need to go into the estate first.

Ah yes, the "never go to assisted living" parent. I had one of those, my Mom who was also in her 90's. So I know what you are going through. My Mom did eventually lived in long-term-care due to a serious fall.

If only your Mom would downsize starting now, that will keep you from having to do all that work later on, wondering what to keep, what to donate, what to toss. It can take months to empty out a house.

Oh, I can fully understand why your Uncle, the attorney, doesn't want to get involved :)
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First of all, I made it my personal mission not to let the nephew get off scott free. No, we couldn't "prove" theft of cash, but he also moved money out of her back accounts. He had POA. He was convicted of a felony, for 30K in cash stolen. She trusted him "with her life". Now, she has not spoken to him since.

My brother and sister live out of state, about 8 hours away. My brother calls once a week. My sister calls about once a month Other than that, it is just me, living 40 minutes away, taking care of her life, rentals and finances. I do her tax returns, and pay all the bills for her house and the rentals.

Part of the problem is that my mother's brother is an attorney. He is NOT cooperative in helping out with any of this, and she thinks he is "God". I know, it is a very wierd situation. Currently, though, I did get all the real estate set to transfer on death to the 3 kids. I also have most of her money in a brokerage account, that is also set up to transfer to 3 kids on death.

Maybe I should just let it go at this, and try to keep as little money in her checking account as possible. But, she becomes nasty, arrogant, defensive if I say I am going to do this. She is very combative if you question anything she does. I guess my main issue is seeing where this is all headed. She says she will never leave her home, and it is up to her kids (me!) to take care of her. No outside help allowed (except lawn mowing and cleaning person). She will never go to assisted living.

But, I appreciate your suggestions...will take into consideration.
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hoolyk, any chance that you could hire a CPA to manage all of the financials. There would be a cost, but it probably would be less than what other relatives are trying to get from Mom. Chances of trying to sway a CPA for Mom's money are far and few between.

Since Mom is starting to get forgetful and eventually it will get worse, time to use "theraputic fibs" to get Mom to use a CPA... like telling Mom that her identity has been stolen so she now needs to use a CPA, or something you think she might believe. Same with trying to get Mom to appoint a financial Power of Attorney, she could appoint you or the CPA. I have visions of your Mom appointing your brother :P

Was the nephew charged with theft? Millions is a pretty heft felony. Or was this almost impossible to prove?
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