Had to send my 92 year old mother to a nursing home from the hospital per Dr.'s orders. Mom has dementia, hardening of the arteries, and has had several small strokes. Her dementia causes her mind not to work properly at times. She has tried to turn on TV with the remote control, hides things then can't remeber she his them or find them, tried to use the iron & put egg beaters in the wholes on the bottom of the iron. She won't hardly eat her drink and ended up in the hosp due to her electrolytes being dangerously low. Bottom line is that she is furious with me for putting her there. All she talks about is wanting to go back to her home and that she wants to die! At the emergency room and in the hospital she kept saying that she wanted to die also. She told her DR that she prays every night not to wake up! The Dr told me not to try and take care of her myself because the dementia will only get worse and will drive everyone in my family crazy and will probably cause problems in my marriage! Well, my husband and I already take care of our 18 month old grandbaby, he is our world! You can't reason with my mother, she is a very stubborn person, very controling. She wants to go home and have someone stay with her but the DR says she needs 24 hr care which will be even more exspensive that a nursing home! I can't get that across to her! All she talks about is wanting to go home. The nurses say to ignore her but how can I when that's all she talks about? I feel guilty when I am there (which is almost every day) because I feel like I am neglecting my family, and when I'm not there I feel guilty because I am not with her and know what I will walk into when I go back! Is ther anyone out there who has gone through this? I don't know what to do!

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I had a hard time with having mom put in a nursing home straight out of the hospital for similar reasons too! I am the only child and only relative remotely close mileage wise. I do not go every day. I can't. I have PTSD from a few things that happened in my life plus going there is bringing up bad flashbacks from when my step-father was in the VA hospital after he had his stroke. I feel guilty every day she is in the NH and I cannot take care of her at her home which is only about a mile away. I have my own home, a husband who is in the Army and is undergoing his own personal medical crisis. Despite my medical background, I simply cannot take care of her 24/7 to the level she needs. I was doing grocery shopping, doc visits, errands, etc for her prior to her having a cva event back in Nov. and afterwards stepped it up a few notches. I felt guilty as my husband was recently back home from deployment due to injury and I SHOULD be taking care of him. We got in 24/7 care from nurses/aids through the hospital she was in for about a week before she needed to go back into the hospital due to her electrolytes being so low and her not eating, etc. She ended up in ICU as she also had pneumonia. At the time she was admitted, I was told it was probably a matter of hours before she passes. She has since recovered of sorts, and now resides at a NH that she and the POA chose to put her in. The guilt I felt was my needing to take care of my husband and our home, the fact that mom had put me through hell through my life and when I did not do her wishes, she would make me pay for it. She is still making me pay for her being there when she is having a decent mental day. I have many reasons for the guilt but as someone else reminded me, I have to take care of myself too. That means we have to do what we have to do in order to make sure the family on a whole functions in the best way. While others argue that it is our responsibility to take care of our elders. That does not mean that we need to lose our last marble of sanity by trying to do that! It means putting them in an environment that is safe for them and will try to keep them safe from themselves. I have seen first hand what it does to a family to try to take care of someone who is not in their right mind either at home or at an assisted living facility. Many families cannot handle that stress and a lot of bad feelings and splitting of families happen. Once again, I have witnessed this first hand. Take care of you first.
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I am experiencing the exact same thing with my mom. I haven't placed her in a nursing home yet, but have been trying to talk with her about it. She says everyday that she wants to die and that me placing me her in a nursing home is me just throwing her away. And it hurts deeply because you feel guilty for wanting to continue your life and knowing you can't provide the care she needs. But I have come to realize that providing the best care despite her not liking it is doing what is best to ensure she is given the 24 hour care she needs. You can only be loving towards her when you visit and know she can't make rational decisions for herself anymore.
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