Hi all,
Dealing with my fiances mother who about 10+ years ago had a bad hip surgery that gave her a stroke and put her in a coma. Ever since then she has been on the decline, she is 70 years old now. Her and her husband have moved 3 miles away from us recently. Her husband has been primary caregiver however is suffering from depression and generally hates her at this point and they probably shouldn't live together, it can be quite toxic at times. However, there aren't any other options at this point. She can't walk well and insists on being pushed in her wheelchair even though her doctor insists she can/should walk as much as she can. She complains non-stop about how bad she has it, how much pain she is in, how mean her husband is to her (even though he does everything for her) Her doctor tells her no more sleeping pills and she insists I take her to walgreens so she can get benadryl. Not allowed to have sugar and insists on getting ice-cream... etc... she just generally doesn't care nor try to improve her conditions nor her attitude. She seems to want to live a miserable life. She doesn't have great impulse control so if she wants something she'll call over and over all day. She obsesses over getting her hair and nails done and new clothes rather than strengthening herself and becoming more independent. She'll try to get you to do everything for her and has no boundaries. I hate to make her sound like some monster, she has good qualities and is a good person and can be silly and sweet, but DEFINITELY has some toxic habits that are creating a pretty miserable family situation for the rest of us. What do you do with someone who doesn't try at all and would rather feel sorry for themselves and have everyone else do everything for them? How much agency does she really have? She's had some brain damage from the coma but def is functional and can do WAY more than she does. If someone isn't willing to put the work in how should the rest of the family proceed? A facility is not an option (financially) and she is too snobby to be social with other people in her dealing with similar circumstances .
"What do you do with someone who doesn't try at all and would rather feel sorry for themselves and have everyone else do everything for them?"
I'd decline any ongoing invites to pity parties.
I'd suggest professional assistance; Thearapist for marriage/life counselling & a Geriatrician for medical issues. Let this couple get advice & decide their own path. (May be time for AL for MIL.. if they think best).
I'd be a DIL who visits now & then. Bring afternoon tea, have a friendly chat. That would be MY boundary right there. The rest falls into their life & therefore is up to them.
I would not step a foot onto that slippery slope towards being at beck & call 24/7.
If there was brain damage that could cause a lot of problems. Its been 10 yrs and she should be evaluated again by a neurologist.
When a poster used the word enabling a member said that its not always enabling, its disabling. Enabling is getting her the Benadryl and icecream she is not suppose to have. Disabling is doing things for her she can do for herself.
I would not marry into this family unless you are sure you will come first.
And like Beatty said, next time she invites you to her pity party, just decline to go. Best wishes.
As long as she is of sound mind, not much you can do legally.
But! You can tell her NO. Some examples:
"No MIL, I can't get you benadryl (or ice cream or whatever destructive thing she wants). I don't feel right about that given your medical problems." (This may get her to consider to stop acting so helpless? Maybe not!).
MIL complaining? "I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I'll call/see you when you're feeling a little better."
MIL wants you to come over and do whatever for her? "I can't. I've got [work, school, anything] and I can't miss that or put it aside."
Once you and fiance stop coming around so much and don't immediately get her what she wants, she may realize her antics don't work. You say she is a good person, and I'm sure she has good aspects... but really, a good person would take responsibility and not want to burden others. Nor would a good person be snobby. It’s not your fault she doesn’t want to be around people, and no need for you and fiancé to be her social group.
Tough love is what your fiance's mother needs, and from everyone. That means you, her kids, and her husband. All of you must stop being at her beck and call and catering to her every whim.
JoAnn29 in the comments here is absolutely right when she says that 'enabling is disabling'. If she can do for herself, she must do for herself. It's for her own good.
If your future MIL wants to act like a spoiled brat child then treat her like one. When the complaining and demands start everyone needs to completely ignore her. Don't accept any more invitations to her pity parties either because that's how she gets all of you to jump through hoops.
Next time she wants to go shopping, or get her hair and nails done tell her no because you (and everyone else) refuses to push her in a wheelchair that she doesn't need. If she wants you to go buy Benadryl or ice cream tell her the truth. That she isn't supposed to be having these things and that you will not help her get them.
You, her husband, and her kids need to change the family dynamic. Right now your future MIL controls the situation and is in charge. No more of that. All of you need to stop and be united together in the decision. Your future MIL will catch on when she gets lonely because everyone is blowing her off. She'll adjust her behavior and start doing for herself when everyone stops humoring her.
Get her to a geriatric psychiatriat for evaluation and treatment of her mental health issues.
Learn to say "I can't possibly do that".
She hurt her left shoulder and when you visit she sits and groans and rubs her shoulder non-stop. Complains that she can't get a dr who will help her. At first I was all about helping her find range of motion exercises, cortisone shots, massage, and she'd throw it back at me.
Last week I was there for a minute and she was rubbing her RIGHT shoulder and moaning and saying how much WORSE her shoulder was getting---finally I said "Mother, it's your OTHER shoulder that hurts. Your right one is fine". That didn't fly and I got bounced out of there pretty fast.
People like this have lived inside their own brains for so long, that they really can't see how off putting their behavior is. Mom is perpetually dissapointed in all of us, and lets us know it. And you know what?
There is not one thing I can do for her. She WANTS to be miserable.
70 is VERY young. She could easily live 25 more years. Just saying. And I doubt she will get 'better'.
Mom is 91 and has lived with YB in his home for 26 years. He regrets this decision every day of his life.
Talk frankly with her. People who want to stay in their home have work to do to stay there. They follow the health recommendations regarding her sugar levels. They TRY to do the physical and occupational therapies to get stronger so that another person is not having to do all the lifting and pushing to move a body around. It is obvious she can do more than she does when only family in the home. If she wants to stay in bed or in a wheelchair all day, there are facilities for that kind of care and she will need to go there. All of you plan to talk to dr to get therapy done in the home and her willingness to participate will determine where she can live. Hubby is going to hurt himself or wear himself out trying to manage all of her needs as well as his own.
She has a choice to make. As my grandmother used to say - do you want to wear out from trying to help yourself or rust out by just sitting until you can no longer move.