My MIL needs to be placed but my husband refuses. How do I handle this?

Does your husband know that your marriage depends on this?

Wow! You've given your MIL six years of quality of life in a home setting, among people who love her. You and your husband should both feel good about that, and proud of what you've done.

Now it is time for a new chapter in this book. You are still concerned about the quality of her life. You still want the best for her. You still love her very much. But it is time to call upon the professional caregivers of various kinds, in a setting designed for care of the elderly with mobility and incontinence problems.

Will shebe going to transitional care (rehab) when she leaves the hospital? (That is often how it works, depending, of course, on why she was in the hospital.) That would be a very good time to get some professional input on what level of care is appropriate. Could she handle assisted living? Does she need skilled nursing care?

Meanwhile, you and hubby should be looking at the practical issues, such as how is this going to paid for? Does MIL have assets and income that will enable her to be self-pay? For how long? Is she likely to need Medicaid at some point? Organizing this is a big job, and another fine service you can do for MIL.

Be aware -- and make sure your husband understands this -- that placing MIL in a care center is NOT the same as abandoning her. You will still be her advocate, and work toward seeing to it she gets quality care. You will visit often, have meals with her regularly, perhaps take her on outings if she is capable of that. But instead of having 24/7 responsibility for hands-on caregiving, you will be free to be the loving daughter-in-law and son. Many people find that their relationship actually improves when the day-to-day burden is lifted.

I wish you all the best as you move in this new direction. Keep us informed!

melaniemorris, placing someone who needs it in a care center is NOT "dumping" them. It in NOT "throwing them away."

We can share opinions about whether placement is best in this particular sitaution. It is good to have a range of opinions expressed.

But know that you are offending a large number of the members here by using such pejorative terms as "dumping" and "throwing away."

melaniemorris, is it actually the husband who is doing the dirty work for his mom? Or is it an exhausted daughter-in-law? There are some limits to what children (or their spouses) "owe" to parents. We all of us have some rights and it is best to be reasonable about it - it is wrong to take the attitude that some people (in this case, daughter-in-law) are just there to be abused.

I would have loved to keep my mom at home, however, not only did I have to work for a living, my mom became very unhappy at home due to her hallucinations and paranoia. She also wasn't eating and sleeping well. Having been in ALF for over a month she has gained 15lbs and is sleeping through the night. If someone wants to think that I dumped her in a home, that's what they will think and nothing will change their minds. I however, know that I did what was the best for her wellbeing.

I have only been caring for my Mother for about 3 years and I know how hard it can get. If your husband does not want his mother in a care center then you need to turn over as much of her care as you can to him for a while. He can fix her meals, feed her if necessary, clean her room, do her laundry and even see that she gets to the bathroom. The more he does the quicker he will see that AL might not be so bad after all. Tell him you need a rest or he will be taking care of you too. Take him to visit the facility you want to move Mom to. Let him see it isn't such a bad place to be.

melaniemorris,I want to thank all of you who have come to my defense...as for this lady who doesnt realize that in life all is not black & white. First my husband and I have already decided to find a place for us if we need it when we get older...so yea it wouldn't bother me at all, we are planning for it. Second I have taken care of her myself for 6 yrs....meals, baths, wiping her when she has accidents, Dr appts...hospitals and on & on.Oh did I forget to tell you we work full time.We dont want to dump her anywhere...she has almost no mobility wheelchair bound...but she was able to get in bed & go to bathroom on her own.That is the case no longer,she needs help w/ all now.We can no longer help her she needs constant help.

So there that is the case ...not looking for your approval, just for you to see you need all info before judging what you don't understand...

I must say that I find it offensive to say we are dumping or throwing away our family member by placing them in a facility with several aids and nurses to attend to their needs. These are people who get to go home at the end of an 8-10 hour shift and rejuvenate. An at home caregiver does not get to go home because the shift never ends. There are some people (probably not many) who can handle the 24/7 demands of an elderly person, who can provide loving care to them and never feel depressed due to lack of peer interaction. Just because you did it, doesn't mean everyone in the universe should be able to do it too.

mledison~As you have been told by other's guilt is a given. A therapist is a great place to start. You may also want to make an appt. with your MIL doc for you and your husband to discuss it with him/her. Sometimes a husband needs to hear it from a doc to get the full message. A doc with experience in taking care of the elderly would have compassion for your burn out before it becomes full blown depression. Many years ago, I was facing burn out due to working full time, taking care of everything at home inside and outside plus the children. I had no outlet to let off steam. My husband was working many hours and was just not available to help me when he was home. It was his choice. He would not listen to me, I plead, begged and talked reasonably. It fell on deaf ears. Finally I stopped. I came home from work and wouldn't do anything. I left it all for him. He woke up real fast when he had to do it all. I don't know why you don't want home health care to help you because it would relive you, but I do understand that if you just can't do it anymore, it is reasonable to understand why you would want her placed in a facility. You do have a right to be happy and have a life outside of caregiving. When we can no longer provide the best care for a loved one, whatever the reasons are, we have alternatives especially when finances are available. Stand your ground with your husband and see a therapist as well as MIL doc.

Melaniemorris..how very inappropriate. Having a parent in a safe, secure and healthy environment is the most important factor. When a caregiver's health (mental and/or physical) becomes an issue it is time to explore other options. Anyone who care for someone more than a few months is up for sainthood in my books. God bless!

I agree with the posts here. Melaniemorris - this isn't the place to put judgement on others without fulling knowing the situation and where the caregiver is mentally and physically at this point. OUR PARENTS/LOVED ONES are very important -- but I'm convinced in most cases, they would never want to be a burden to us. Think of all the wonderful, happy, precious moments you will have with your MIL when you are no longer overburdened with day to day care activities. Your husband/wife relationship will continue to grow stronger/renew because both of you will have more to give. Frankly, your MIL will eventually pass; and you and your husband may have many years left -- together and that relationship is meant to be longlasting -- your MIL wouldn't want it any other way and I'm sure she will relish the "quality time" you will have to give to her in the meantime. Go to your local Senior Center for counseling and support and reassurance on your decision/future plans. You are a saint in my eyes for all you have done and I'm sure your husband and MIL are very grateful. You will be no good to anyone if you are burnt out. Sometimes its just time for a change and the next step.

This site really touched my sore spot. Although my husband is not anywhere need having to go to care other than myself in our home. I am constantly in fear of when that happens. I cannot think of anything harder to do than to put him in some sort of care place. What if I need to go first. I'm almost five years older than he is. His mind is so far gone I cannot trust him alone for long. Reading these pags makes me know that its a difficult place to be, caring for a loved one. God bless and help.