My MIL needs to be placed but my husband refuses. How do I handle this? - AgingCare.com

My MIL needs to be placed but my husband refuses. How do I handle this?

Follow
Share

My MIl is 91 yr old w/limited mobility & major incontinence problems....We really can't take her out for fear of accidents ( even w/ her Depends ). She has been living w/us for almost 6 yrs & she is getting worse. At present she is hospitalized again & whatever mobility she had is almost gone. She was able to atleast bring herself to the bathroom but know I'm not sure what will happen. I dont want a nurse in my home...dont want to turn my home into a hospital w/strangers in & out all day...it's time for her to go in a assisted living at a minimum.I have done all I can & I am totally BURNED OUT. So happy I found this site...it's been very helpfull. Pleaseanyone who has gone thru this help me...my marriage really does depend on it

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
20

Answers

Show:
I agree with the posts here. Melaniemorris - this isn't the place to put judgement on others without fulling knowing the situation and where the caregiver is mentally and physically at this point. OUR PARENTS/LOVED ONES are very important -- but I'm convinced in most cases, they would never want to be a burden to us. Think of all the wonderful, happy, precious moments you will have with your MIL when you are no longer overburdened with day to day care activities. Your husband/wife relationship will continue to grow stronger/renew because both of you will have more to give. Frankly, your MIL will eventually pass; and you and your husband may have many years left -- together and that relationship is meant to be longlasting -- your MIL wouldn't want it any other way and I'm sure she will relish the "quality time" you will have to give to her in the meantime. Go to your local Senior Center for counseling and support and reassurance on your decision/future plans. You are a saint in my eyes for all you have done and I'm sure your husband and MIL are very grateful. You will be no good to anyone if you are burnt out. Sometimes its just time for a change and the next step.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

melaniemorris,I want to thank all of you who have come to my defense...as for this lady who doesnt realize that in life all is not black & white. First my husband and I have already decided to find a place for us if we need it when we get older...so yea it wouldn't bother me at all, we are planning for it. Second I have taken care of her myself for 6 yrs....meals, baths, wiping her when she has accidents, Dr appts...hospitals and on & on.Oh did I forget to tell you we work full time.We dont want to dump her anywhere...she has almost no mobility wheelchair bound...but she was able to get in bed & go to bathroom on her own.That is the case no longer,she needs help w/ all now.We can no longer help her she needs constant help.

So there that is the case ...not looking for your approval, just for you to see you need all info before judging what you don't understand...
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I have only been caring for my Mother for about 3 years and I know how hard it can get. If your husband does not want his mother in a care center then you need to turn over as much of her care as you can to him for a while. He can fix her meals, feed her if necessary, clean her room, do her laundry and even see that she gets to the bathroom. The more he does the quicker he will see that AL might not be so bad after all. Tell him you need a rest or he will be taking care of you too. Take him to visit the facility you want to move Mom to. Let him see it isn't such a bad place to be.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Everyone of us needs a "I know you care day". For myself I chose to care for my mom at home as long as possible. Luckily I had the back-up and assistance of my older brother. We both knew when the time had come that mom needed more care than either of us could give her, plus we felt she derserved better than we were able to give.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Lets all just be kind to each other. Yesterday some friends that we had not seened in about 8 or ten years. They did not know about my husbands condition. I fought back tears at the many wonderful things they said to him and me. Then they hugged both of us as they left. May not see them again for they are distant friends. But yesterday was a "I know you care day".
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I would have loved to keep my mom at home, however, not only did I have to work for a living, my mom became very unhappy at home due to her hallucinations and paranoia. She also wasn't eating and sleeping well. Having been in ALF for over a month she has gained 15lbs and is sleeping through the night. If someone wants to think that I dumped her in a home, that's what they will think and nothing will change their minds. I however, know that I did what was the best for her wellbeing.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Melaniemorris..how very inappropriate. Having a parent in a safe, secure and healthy environment is the most important factor. When a caregiver's health (mental and/or physical) becomes an issue it is time to explore other options. Anyone who care for someone more than a few months is up for sainthood in my books. God bless!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I must say that I find it offensive to say we are dumping or throwing away our family member by placing them in a facility with several aids and nurses to attend to their needs. These are people who get to go home at the end of an 8-10 hour shift and rejuvenate. An at home caregiver does not get to go home because the shift never ends. There are some people (probably not many) who can handle the 24/7 demands of an elderly person, who can provide loving care to them and never feel depressed due to lack of peer interaction. Just because you did it, doesn't mean everyone in the universe should be able to do it too.

mledison~As you have been told by other's guilt is a given. A therapist is a great place to start. You may also want to make an appt. with your MIL doc for you and your husband to discuss it with him/her. Sometimes a husband needs to hear it from a doc to get the full message. A doc with experience in taking care of the elderly would have compassion for your burn out before it becomes full blown depression. Many years ago, I was facing burn out due to working full time, taking care of everything at home inside and outside plus the children. I had no outlet to let off steam. My husband was working many hours and was just not available to help me when he was home. It was his choice. He would not listen to me, I plead, begged and talked reasonably. It fell on deaf ears. Finally I stopped. I came home from work and wouldn't do anything. I left it all for him. He woke up real fast when he had to do it all. I don't know why you don't want home health care to help you because it would relive you, but I do understand that if you just can't do it anymore, it is reasonable to understand why you would want her placed in a facility. You do have a right to be happy and have a life outside of caregiving. When we can no longer provide the best care for a loved one, whatever the reasons are, we have alternatives especially when finances are available. Stand your ground with your husband and see a therapist as well as MIL doc.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I do agree that placing someone who needs it in a suitable facility is not "dumping them" or "throwing them away". Sometimes it is the best solution for all. I don't sense in anyway that mledison cannot be bothered, or that it is all about her.

melaniemorris - When a caregiver says they are burnt out, it is something to be taken seriously. Some can be a caregiver to several people over a period of many years, some for a few years and some can't. That is no indictment against anyone.
Regarding " the woman who brought him into the world and changed his diapers for years" Just how many years do you think she changed his diapers? My bet is that it wasn't 6 years or close to. I think we have a little hyperbole here. It doesn't strengthen your case.

mledison - my heart goes out to you. Guilt is such a difficult thing to deal with. I think part of dealing with it is facing the realities - which involves grieving, As mil goes down hill, thoughts of loss come, and grief is triggered. Any major change - like a move to a facility, brings grief with it. I am not one to push guilt aside, but, rather to deal with it, and the painful emotions that come with real, and anticipated loss. It is a very difficult time in your life, and in your husband's life, not to speak of your mil who deserves the best care available. As your marriage is at stake, finding a therapist who could help you both through this major transition could be very helpful.
My best wishes and prayers for a solution are with you.(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Joan
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I know it is a big decision, but she may be happier there with you visiting her. My mom in law is in AL now, and she gets help with her daily needs, good food, activities, and her medicines are given on time. My mom in law even goes out to eat and shop with a group every week. She is 81 yrs old, has dementia, parkinson and diabetes. She gets confuesed easily, but is always singing this retirment center praise. It has also helped me and my husband, since we know she is getting very good care..and we see her at least once a week, taking her out also to shop or eat (depending on her day).
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions