Anyone have MIL living with you unplanned and uninvited? - AgingCare.com

Anyone have MIL living with you unplanned and uninvited?

Follow
Share

Hesitant in the past to post on these sites because story is too detailed. So I'll try to make it short - initially. Mil (93.5 yrs old) living with us for past 2.5 years. She moved to be with daughter 7 yrs ago at daughter's continuing suggestions and gave up her apt in our state. My husband and siblings do not get along or speak for most part. Daughter had enough with mother - called one day and told my husband = ma is on airplane, landing in 1 hr - you need to pick her up at airport - sent her to airport (at 91 yrs old) in taxi. So here we are. Nightmare - been to several lawyers including elder care - nothing we can do - unless she goes to hospital 3 nights, etc. Daughter tried to get her to go to assisted living at the time (2.5 yrs ago) - no way. She wanted to go "Home" - + be with her baby i'm sure. we couldn't get her to go either. She is, in my opinion, a stealth narcissist. Little anger or lashing out - just cunning. Although she is able, will do little for herself - expects that this is the way it should be and thinks we should wait on her. Just wondering if anyone has any similar circumstance. I read about people deciding to move their elderly parent to live with them and then regret it.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
34

Answers

Show:
1 2 3 4
Fedupnow, Not that it helps you now MIL is dead, but maybe someone else. I removed all the Demementia drugs & anti-depressants from my hisband's daily dose & am only giving him Lorazepam 1mg twice a day and a Lunesta at least 2 hours after the last Lorazepam. His improvement is significant. He still visibly has Dementia, but is much more tolerable and less combative & actually sleeping at night. Haven't told the doctors what I did yet. He was on so many pills it was ridiculous. Worth a try for anyone who thinks they can't make it thru another day.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

been offline for a few days. time problems right now - but just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for your responses. Helpful to know that i'm not alone, but also realize there are many who have worse/different situations than i do.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My husband moved his mother and step dad in with us 13 years ago. It's awful..their health has declined considerably the past 2 years. MIL is a quad..first stages of dementia..I feel like most days I'm losing my mind..I'm uncomfortable in my own home too..I'm angry at my sister-in-law who was supposed to take them at the first of the year, and backed out in December. My husband tells me nothing is going to change til somebody passes away, cause he won't put them in a facility.They don't listen to a word we say. Anger sits in my chest daily. I'm caregiver to my sweet mom who is in hospice care.I'm out of here when my mom's journey is completed. My husband can then contend with his parents without my help.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I agree with LeaBea a hoyer lift will help you a lot. I think either Medicare or if you have it Medicaid will pay for it. Medicaid pays for pretty much everything down to diapers. If you need to have surgery for you knee or back you may be able to get husband admitted to a Nursing Home while you get better. You probably can get rehab too if there is no one to help you at home. You may also qualify for housekeeping help, transportation etc. contact your local Agency on Aging to see what is available and help with applications.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I am so sorry FedUpNow....you are the perfect example of what I was talking about, aren't you? :( Look at all the damage MIL inflicted on you...and I know you did it because you must have felt it was your duty. Hugs to you! Please ask your husband's MD if he will order a hoyer lift for your husband...with electronic controls (for you/due to your crushed disks)....so you will not need to physically lift him. I think Medicare will pay for it....
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I have one person left to care for: my husband who has kidney failure and will soon be on dialysis The "fun" part is that I can not lift him because of crushed disks in my back. Thanks to my MIL's violence, I am missing 5 teeth, I have high BP, a fib due to arrhythmia; I had 2 silent heart attacks and she blew out my knee which will need replacement with her walker attacks--but SHE claimed SHE needed help because she was all alone. I am all alone.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It amazes me how we ( those of us stuck with MIL) have all had similar STRONG emotional reactions. These reactions are emergency signals that our body is sending us.. This would suggest to me, that this isn't something we should normally be doing LONG TERM. As a nurse in this field, I have seen care providers develop all kinds of lasting health issues while caring for parents (and other family members). The current situation isn't healthy for any of us (his Mom, me, or him). My husband understandably does not want to hurt his Mother, but he wants her out worse than I do. His just started, active retirement came to a grinding halt. He has sat inside to keep her company all winter and has not been well. I have decided to take a stand & take back our lives. When the tiny bungalow (with agency help coming in to assist her) doesn't work out...she will be heading to a memory care facility. God bless those of you like FedUpNow who lasted 17 years....what a living nightmare! I have worked for 20 years in this field as a case manager, and have seen enough families damaged by trying to care for someone way too long...and care providers that have literally died from the prolonged stress of caring for "Mom". There are programs and assistance for the poor...no one needs to wear out their welcome with the kids because they don't have enough money in the bank to pay for assisted living or a nursing home...very few of the residents are private pay anyway since most of our current elders thought that their social security check was going to be enough to sustain them in their elder years. :( If your MIL goes into a facility as a private pay, when her funds run out (in short order), she will be converted to Medicaid and still receive the same care in the same room.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

LeaBea, your idea is wonderful! I built a one-bedroom/kitchen/bath in our back yard for my MIL. She refused to live there (20 feet from our house) and my husband refused to make her go there. So I often stole out there to watch a sunset or escape her brutal demands and physical abuse. Either way, you can't lose. I am still glad she's dead though. Taking care of everyone in my family plus her was the worst 17 years of my life.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I have my MIL with me now. She rotates one month here and one month with her other son. Its like Russian Roulette and I'm wondering where that last bullet is going to end up. Her other son has major issues with a teenage daughter (adopted) him his wife and the daughter are all on meds ... its a real NUT house! Police always there, Pot being smoked in the house by the daughter, daughter coming in all hours of the night with guys and girlfriends to eat (they have the munchies gee I wonder why) Meanwhile they (husbands brother and SIL) do nothing about it just yell and hit things (he broke his hand last time on a chair). Chaos ensues all the time and seems that each month it just gets better. All we need is for this 84 year old bouncing ball (MIL) to take a flop or get sick and its going to be very interesting who gets stuck with her. I KNOW she hates it when her month is up here and its time to go back there BUT that's when I get happy and start singing Michael Jackson's "Beat it" song. She was invited ... she just "decided" and now here we are.

My husband is doing it because his brother is doing it. One thing for sure I've dumped her onto him which was a biggie for me since I really got along with her before she pulled this number! Now our conversation for the month is basically "Hi with a kiss (the day she comes) and "Good Morning" for the other 27 days (no kiss included). Then there's my favorite the "Goodbye" (kiss included). Other than that we hardly speak because if I give her 2 minutes she takes my day and I get nothing done. Tried to tell her to go to senior citizen things but no ... all she does is sit half the day and read the paper and the other half she listens to her transistor radio. Then I put dinner on the table for my husband and her (one of my 5 minute meals I reserve just for when she's here) and my daughters and I eat later ... watching our favorite TV shows. She cuts into our family life like a knife ... but I refuse to reward her with the usual meals that I put on the table and the family environment that she thought she would get here. I KNOW this beauty is cunning ... and if I make it too nice here ... she will find a way to get her as* here more than the 5 months a year we already put up with. She rotates months ... BUT since we don't have Central Air she stays with her other son for the summer months ... that was my doing but of course I was only thinking of her comfort when I did that ... Whoooo Hooo the way the months are going this year if I keep to the rotation we'll have June, July and August and when she leaves in May I'll not only be sining "Beat It" I'll also be able to croon "See You In September"
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Brida did you get my post? Say if you want to call me, Pami
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

1 2 3 4
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions