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Hesitant in the past to post on these sites because story is too detailed. So I'll try to make it short - initially. Mil (93.5 yrs old) living with us for past 2.5 years. She moved to be with daughter 7 yrs ago at daughter's continuing suggestions and gave up her apt in our state. My husband and siblings do not get along or speak for most part. Daughter had enough with mother - called one day and told my husband = ma is on airplane, landing in 1 hr - you need to pick her up at airport - sent her to airport (at 91 yrs old) in taxi. So here we are. Nightmare - been to several lawyers including elder care - nothing we can do - unless she goes to hospital 3 nights, etc. Daughter tried to get her to go to assisted living at the time (2.5 yrs ago) - no way. She wanted to go "Home" - + be with her baby i'm sure. we couldn't get her to go either. She is, in my opinion, a stealth narcissist. Little anger or lashing out - just cunning. Although she is able, will do little for herself - expects that this is the way it should be and thinks we should wait on her. Just wondering if anyone has any similar circumstance. I read about people deciding to move their elderly parent to live with them and then regret it.

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Fedupnow, Not that it helps you now MIL is dead, but maybe someone else. I removed all the Demementia drugs & anti-depressants from my hisband's daily dose & am only giving him Lorazepam 1mg twice a day and a Lunesta at least 2 hours after the last Lorazepam. His improvement is significant. He still visibly has Dementia, but is much more tolerable and less combative & actually sleeping at night. Haven't told the doctors what I did yet. He was on so many pills it was ridiculous. Worth a try for anyone who thinks they can't make it thru another day.
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been offline for a few days. time problems right now - but just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for your responses. Helpful to know that i'm not alone, but also realize there are many who have worse/different situations than i do.
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My husband moved his mother and step dad in with us 13 years ago. It's awful..their health has declined considerably the past 2 years. MIL is a quad..first stages of dementia..I feel like most days I'm losing my mind..I'm uncomfortable in my own home too..I'm angry at my sister-in-law who was supposed to take them at the first of the year, and backed out in December. My husband tells me nothing is going to change til somebody passes away, cause he won't put them in a facility.They don't listen to a word we say. Anger sits in my chest daily. I'm caregiver to my sweet mom who is in hospice care.I'm out of here when my mom's journey is completed. My husband can then contend with his parents without my help.
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I agree with LeaBea a hoyer lift will help you a lot. I think either Medicare or if you have it Medicaid will pay for it. Medicaid pays for pretty much everything down to diapers. If you need to have surgery for you knee or back you may be able to get husband admitted to a Nursing Home while you get better. You probably can get rehab too if there is no one to help you at home. You may also qualify for housekeeping help, transportation etc. contact your local Agency on Aging to see what is available and help with applications.
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I am so sorry FedUpNow....you are the perfect example of what I was talking about, aren't you? :( Look at all the damage MIL inflicted on you...and I know you did it because you must have felt it was your duty. Hugs to you! Please ask your husband's MD if he will order a hoyer lift for your husband...with electronic controls (for you/due to your crushed disks)....so you will not need to physically lift him. I think Medicare will pay for it....
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I have one person left to care for: my husband who has kidney failure and will soon be on dialysis The "fun" part is that I can not lift him because of crushed disks in my back. Thanks to my MIL's violence, I am missing 5 teeth, I have high BP, a fib due to arrhythmia; I had 2 silent heart attacks and she blew out my knee which will need replacement with her walker attacks--but SHE claimed SHE needed help because she was all alone. I am all alone.
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It amazes me how we ( those of us stuck with MIL) have all had similar STRONG emotional reactions. These reactions are emergency signals that our body is sending us.. This would suggest to me, that this isn't something we should normally be doing LONG TERM. As a nurse in this field, I have seen care providers develop all kinds of lasting health issues while caring for parents (and other family members). The current situation isn't healthy for any of us (his Mom, me, or him). My husband understandably does not want to hurt his Mother, but he wants her out worse than I do. His just started, active retirement came to a grinding halt. He has sat inside to keep her company all winter and has not been well. I have decided to take a stand & take back our lives. When the tiny bungalow (with agency help coming in to assist her) doesn't work out...she will be heading to a memory care facility. God bless those of you like FedUpNow who lasted 17 years....what a living nightmare! I have worked for 20 years in this field as a case manager, and have seen enough families damaged by trying to care for someone way too long...and care providers that have literally died from the prolonged stress of caring for "Mom". There are programs and assistance for the poor...no one needs to wear out their welcome with the kids because they don't have enough money in the bank to pay for assisted living or a nursing home...very few of the residents are private pay anyway since most of our current elders thought that their social security check was going to be enough to sustain them in their elder years. :( If your MIL goes into a facility as a private pay, when her funds run out (in short order), she will be converted to Medicaid and still receive the same care in the same room.
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LeaBea, your idea is wonderful! I built a one-bedroom/kitchen/bath in our back yard for my MIL. She refused to live there (20 feet from our house) and my husband refused to make her go there. So I often stole out there to watch a sunset or escape her brutal demands and physical abuse. Either way, you can't lose. I am still glad she's dead though. Taking care of everyone in my family plus her was the worst 17 years of my life.
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I have my MIL with me now. She rotates one month here and one month with her other son. Its like Russian Roulette and I'm wondering where that last bullet is going to end up. Her other son has major issues with a teenage daughter (adopted) him his wife and the daughter are all on meds ... its a real NUT house! Police always there, Pot being smoked in the house by the daughter, daughter coming in all hours of the night with guys and girlfriends to eat (they have the munchies gee I wonder why) Meanwhile they (husbands brother and SIL) do nothing about it just yell and hit things (he broke his hand last time on a chair). Chaos ensues all the time and seems that each month it just gets better. All we need is for this 84 year old bouncing ball (MIL) to take a flop or get sick and its going to be very interesting who gets stuck with her. I KNOW she hates it when her month is up here and its time to go back there BUT that's when I get happy and start singing Michael Jackson's "Beat it" song. She was invited ... she just "decided" and now here we are.

My husband is doing it because his brother is doing it. One thing for sure I've dumped her onto him which was a biggie for me since I really got along with her before she pulled this number! Now our conversation for the month is basically "Hi with a kiss (the day she comes) and "Good Morning" for the other 27 days (no kiss included). Then there's my favorite the "Goodbye" (kiss included). Other than that we hardly speak because if I give her 2 minutes she takes my day and I get nothing done. Tried to tell her to go to senior citizen things but no ... all she does is sit half the day and read the paper and the other half she listens to her transistor radio. Then I put dinner on the table for my husband and her (one of my 5 minute meals I reserve just for when she's here) and my daughters and I eat later ... watching our favorite TV shows. She cuts into our family life like a knife ... but I refuse to reward her with the usual meals that I put on the table and the family environment that she thought she would get here. I KNOW this beauty is cunning ... and if I make it too nice here ... she will find a way to get her as* here more than the 5 months a year we already put up with. She rotates months ... BUT since we don't have Central Air she stays with her other son for the summer months ... that was my doing but of course I was only thinking of her comfort when I did that ... Whoooo Hooo the way the months are going this year if I keep to the rotation we'll have June, July and August and when she leaves in May I'll not only be sining "Beat It" I'll also be able to croon "See You In September"
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Brida did you get my post? Say if you want to call me, Pami
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As the care provider for my MIL (smile), AND as a nurse who works with Seniors, I would advise you discuss your father's aggressive behavior with his MD as soon as possible before he hurts you or your mother. His MD will be able to tell you if he has dementia or if some other medical issue is causing his behavior, but my guess is that you are right. It might be time to look into a Memory Care Unit in your area---a type of "nursing facility" that takes care of people with memory issues preventing them from safely caring for themselves.
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Braida, when I know how you feel! Even though my mom lives in her own apartment, she still calls all the time. When I read your post it made me,
Laugh. Ithought I was the only one. I have yelled at my mom and then apologized.
My son helps me, but he she is driving him nuts. She has selective hearing,
And only wants to hear what she wants to hear. She always says wait till you get
To my age. Frankly I hope I dont make it to 90.
There is no option. One headed cracked bean, cant help another one. I think i will try using the f word to to my pillow.
Pami
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Forget it. I'm never getting married again. Any man that tried to force me into the caregiver role for his mother would be a dead man.
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i don't have a MIL - which i read these posts to figure out what the h*** mil was. but i have been taking care of my parents for the past 12 years. Last June 2013 i had to move home due to financial reasons of always running to the hospital and nursing home in 2011 did me in. I am emotionally tired and exhausted. My is with it for the most part mentally but physically she is unable and has to be hoyer lifted. My Dad is a COPD patient and i think after reading some of these posts combative dementia. There is an argument at least once a week with him over the care of my mother or what he thinks i said that i did not say but there is no one who knows in his book except him. yesterday's argument came to him trying to full body push me out of the doorway to my mothers room. On one hand it is good that i stood my ground and did not let him succeed but on the other hand if i had not he would have been laying on the floor and hurt from the fall. As a result i ache today and am covered with bruises from him slamming things that hit me. i am not sure what to do anymore. signed Tired in Ohio.
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Braida; Eddie, et al: EVERY state in our country/ every County (or sometimes small counties share) has an Area Agency on Aging. I urge all of you to call, tell them your story, and ask how they can help in your area, with your particular situation. You may be AMAZED at the information/help you receive. For example, our county offers Caregiver Support to family members caring for loved ones. My husband is retired and considered the primary caregiver of his mother...and he/she qualified for 6 hours of FREE respite help per week!! He uses his/her allotted hours M-W-F. A care provider comes in and showers Mom; washes her linens; and makes her lunch while my husband leaves to run errand; go to appts; or meet up with his friends on Fridays. I am one of you AND also a registered nurse with our county Area Agency on Aging.
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Daughter talked her into giving up her place and moving in; and then sic'ed her on you two when she couldn't take it anymore. Now MIL behaves as if it's her son's duty to house her b/c she spat him into the world; and expects you to put up with her BS. .. Not happening.

MIL needs a crash-course in self-reliance, so put her to work around the house instead of practically cleaning up after her. She's just too comfortable and has to start pulling her own weight. Being in your '90s doesn't entitle you to 24/7 maid service.

In the meantime, figure out her total income and search for affordable senior citizens housing as far away from your home as possible. If she needs other assistance besides in-house services, your husband should take care of that.

I'm not going to suggest medical/psychiatric evals b/c she'll "dopefiend" her way through them. You've already diagnosed her and that's good enough. The time for compromise is over.
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Oops. I meant to say anyone who would put 91 year old person in a cab and send them to the airport w/ a one way ticket is pathetic! :)
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I personally think anyone who would put a 91 year old person (cunning, and narcissistic, or otherwise) is pathetic!! I agree that this caring job we have all found ourselves in, willingly or unwillingly, can try the patience of a saint. I used to be one of THE MOST PATIENT people on the planet. And now, I find myself struggling, actually sometimes screaming the F word into a pillow, to get a grip. (it actually helps. :) My Mom is sweet like a little kid, wouldn't hurt a fly, but is as pestering as a fly, and awakens me all night long just as I finally get back to sleep. There is her sweet gentle voice softly calling my name!!!!! I am sleep deprived, and feeling grumpy. These poor old crack-headed beans....they can't help the way they are! (and we could be there too, one day!) It's terrible and shameful that we don't have more options on how to help them, without totally sacrificing our own lives. But.....I admire stories like 1daughterinlaw, above, for sticking in there. She's sweet (her MIL), but even "sweet" can't make up for our prisoner status. Our options, in my opinion, are so limited. I still can't face the NH prospect for my dear clueless Mom. And even though I scream the F word into a pillow sometimes, I don't scream at her. If it got to that point, I'd have Mom go somewhere else for her own good, because how can one cracked-headed bean take care of another one?
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I thought my story was unique - little did I know, so many others are just like us. You can see my other posts. Got a call a little over a year ago, come pick up MIL in AZ (we are in CA), her son is going to jail. We picked her up, she hadn't had a shower in months, she smelled, rags for clothes, etc. Well, that was a year ago, and she's treated like a queen now. All new clothes, hair, nails, etc. She's had a stroke 13 yrs. ago and is paralyzed on one side. We have a two story home and all our rooms are upstairs, and she's permanently in a wheelchair. We decided to build onto our home, a room and fully accessible handicap bathroom, roll in shower. Had to take money our of 401K. My husband and I are only 49 - we didn't ask for this and were not ready for it. We have 2 teenagers. MIL's 2 other children are losers and want nothing to do with her. Anyway, I wish we had time to think this out. I TOTALLY REGRET HAVING HER HERE. I work full time and am primary caregiver - no outside help.I don't want help, I want her out. I'm not comfortable in my own home anymore. Although she is a sweet lady, I avoid her, and resent her for doing this to us. I know it's wrong. We should have put her in a nursing home where she belongs. I have constant anxiety and my husband and I are always fighting about this.
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I don't know if you can find my similar story on here...but the very short version is that my MIL arrived uninvited to our home too, when her daughter dropped her off at the small hospital in their town, and announced rather loudly that she would not be caring for her anymore! She then turned around and walked out--leaving Mom with the clothes on her back; her purse hanging in the crook of her arm...and holding her small dog on a leash! My husband drove SEVEN hours to pick her up (he is the only other child). Mom has dementia. She too, has been pleasant since she arrived 9 months ago, but she burned a lot of bridges over the years, and HAD been especially nasty to all of the women in her family--including her daughter and I. Soooo...since I last posted, I have come up with a solution: Mom has X-amount of monies and we are trying to stretch it for her, so that she can live comfortably...and keep her dog, who is a source of comfort to her. She, of course does not want to go to assisted living & even if they would accept her dog, Mom doesn't remember to feed her anymore. We went to our County Permit Office and we are planning to add a "special care unit" to our property. In our county, this SCU can be a park model mobile; small mobile; or renovated garage apartment, etc. We found a darling 20X26 "tiny bungalow" doublewide mobile that we are in the process of getting permits for (the dealer is doing the footwork for us). It is a one bedroom with bath/ walk-in shower; galley kitchen that a walker can negotiate; and has a living/dining combined. I am a nurse case manager for our local Area Agency on Aging, so I will find it LESS stressful to have Mom 35 feet away, (and out of my house) with care providers coming in once a day M-F (for 2-3 hours) to assist her with bathing; lunch; and light housework. It will be less stressful for her too...she'll have her own little home to putter around in; she will have her privacy (she is a loner, so this has been stressful for her); AND she'll regain some independence. (By the way---the stove will NOT be plugged in! She'll use the microwave). :)
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At least in NYS the three day rule in a hospital does qualify you for rehab and if you them have need for continuing skilled nursing care you move onto permanent nursing home care. if she goes to the ER again you can certainly refuse to take her home. You will get a lot of abuse from the staff but they can't make you pick her up. They will find somewhere to place her whatever they say.
To anyone who is being physically abused by the person they are caring for should immediately call the police and press charges and get a restraining order as in any case of domestic abuse. You do not have to tolerate this.
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You should not be the care taker of your mil. Find elder appt assisst living. I regret moving my mother in. She is on a waiting list for low income elderly. I concur with every ones comments
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I am taking care of my ninety year old mom. She lives in her own apartment, she calls me all the time. My mom doesnt want to leave in assisted living either. Have you tried to show her assisted liing where your at and say this is your other option. That is unfair what your husbands sister did. Pami
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Whenever I see these three letters.. MIL... on these posts I know that there is someone else on the same floor as me, in h***.
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First of all, since this is your husband's parent, you and he must be in total agreement with your course of action because you may have to make some hard choices. Contact her doctor and your local Office of Aging. You are not legally responsible to care for her; tell her doctor and the Office of Aging that you can NO longer care for her - it is detrimental to your and your husband's health. Tell the doctor you need a comprehensive diagnosis of her condition asap; tell the Office of Aging you need a plan of action right now; or you will walk away and leave her..or they'll have 3 cases on their hands instead of just one.. (sigh) Sometimes you have to be prepared to push really hard, but this is YOUR life and you did not volunteer for this. Be strong!
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You say it how you feel it. Don't feel alone. There are many of us who aren't finding this job rewarding.
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No one ever liked the truth here before. Many got highly bent out of shape because I spoke the ugly truth. UGLY is IS! I especially like the ones that insist God doesn't give us more than we can handle. They have obviously not been hit in the balls with a shovel. Not yet. Let us prey.
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Fedupnow - I didn't think anything could make me laugh rigt now, but you did, you cracked me up. Too many of us hesitate to say how we really feel.
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Read ALL my posts! My 98 year old MIL finally died in my house after abusing me physically and emotionally for 17 years! Your spouse will be the major deterrent to you escaping her abuse. Mine did NOTHING! I was the caregiver for my husband, my stepmother, my father, my MIL and FIL all at the same time. My MIL knocked out 5 of my teeth! She beat me with her walker! I had bruises all over my body. She had combative dementia. When she finally died, last July, all I could think of is, "Ding Dong! The wicked witch is dead!" Good luck! You are going to need it. All the social workers will do is try to get you to keep her. One less person to worry about for them. Her doctors won't help...been through all of that. Death is your only friend. I hope she doesn't kill you first.
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Sometimes nursing homes have assisted living facilities on the same property. That might be an option. They send aides over to see about them. Where my momis there is one when they can no longer live in the assisted they move to the home. Check it out prayers are for you .
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