My mother-in-law just had open heart surgery and now is living with us full time. Any suggestions?

It's difficult to imagine how much more your mother- in- law will have to do to get your husband's attention. She's obviously has serious issues with her mental stability. Have the doctors said she was mentally ill or had dementia? What are those pills for that she is flushing down the toilet? Do her doctors know that she isn't taking her meds?

Maybe, she has always been fierce, but what you describe is way beyond that. It's quite sad. I would be concerned that she's going to really harm herself or do something quite damaging being left without supervision or treatment. If your husband won't budge, I would just try to protect myself. I wish you all the best.

Yes I do work Monday thru Saturday with no breaks. I am in sales. You are right maybe taking a step back would help but I feel like I have been doing that and nothing is getting done. Its like he doesn't care. We are going to a therapist and he feels like it is all my problem. So it turned into a bit of a fix me session versuses fix our marriage or his mother situtation.
Yes I have looked into serbian places around town and they all know her and my husband. They say its normal. She has been here for 50 years and we are not in Serbia anymore. I am Jewish, so you are right that is probably part of the problem. I just want to be happy and I am just crying all the time. I used to a positive person. Maybe you are right maybe I just need to seperate for a while. I just love him. It really is hard. I feel like the older I get the harder things are. I work at his office but I can work anywhere. I used to be able to work from home but not with her there. I do something seperate from my husband. But I help him a lot. I thought love would be enough but its not. I feel like he is just cool with everything and he said I was the one that wanted her to live with us but thats not true. I said she could not live by herself. She can't take care of herself. I just need a hug I think. I feel very alone.

You have a couple of choices.

1. You can leave. It sounds as though your family would be supportive while you find a new job and a new place to live.

2. You can see if there is someone with some influence with your husband, clergy, mom's doctor, someone with standing in the community who can point out to him that his mother is ill and needs help.

You posted while I was typing. I see now that you work at your husband's place of employment. Is this a family business?

Did she emigrate to the US, and at which time, in which year? Serbians have a complex history with a mixture of religious, feuding with other nationalities, and geopolitical conditions. She might have developed certain ideas about dominance and independence, and is desperately trying to enforce those now. Or, she just may be difficult to deal with.

I would start with standing your ground, including refusal to take her anyplace or be with her in public. But I think this is a larger issue involving old country male and female roles, and your husband is not going to support you. If that's the case, you have some serious considerations to weigh.

If husband expects you to continue to be a doormat, and you already hate him, it's time for you to seriously consider separate lives. I doubt your husband is going to change; why should he, for his mother, and with what seems to be a total lack of cooperation?

However, his lack of support suggests to me he's either turning a blind eye toward the situation, doesn't see the problems or want to get involved, or just thinks it's acceptable.

Do you have a job or career? Can you support yourself on your own?

Another possibility is to try to find Serbian cultural groups in your area; network with members and see if others face similar situations. It wouldn't surprise me if there's a strong cultural element and ingrained attitudes influencing MIL's behavior.

But you DON'T have to tolerate her abuse, uncleanliness or inexcusable behavior.

Thats a good point. I work at my husband's work and check up on her during the day. But it is so awful, she breaks things and slams doors while I am there and sometimes it is hard to talk to the clients because she is having a tantrum. Otherwise she is completely by herself going through the neighborhood or the center by us with all the restaurants talking about me. I try to think I don't care what people think but it still hurts me. I have tried to talk to her but she blames me for everything that has happened bad in her life. My husband just thinks if we remain positive it will all just get better. It is a nice thought but in the meantime I am just so sad. I choose him to marry but not her and I get it, she is old but why does it have to be so hard? I stopped eating at the house and stopped almost everything but I am still so uncomfortable.

I see you say that you work all the time, so i take it you mean outside of the home.

Perhaps you need to step back from contact with her, and allow her son to do the caregiving. Including cleaning out her room.

Have you ever given any thought to the idea of seeing a counselor or therapist? Talking about your disappointment in your marriage and in your husband might help.

Okay, so "what for?" So you can get a proper diagnosis of what is going on, recommendations for what level of care she needs and perhaps meds that will make her less agitated.

Do you work outside of the home? Who cares for her while you do?

If you don't have a job, i highly recommed getting one.

I gave my husband her check as I don't need her money

She was always tough on me. She has said I am not good enough for her son and I have no idea what it has been like for her in her life. I have asked my husband to take her to the neurologist or psychiatrist but he has said what for. All I do is cry. I feel so helpless. She smells so bad and is super embarassing and she is mean to me in public. She gave me some money because I think she wanted to show her son she was being nice and then told the neighborhood I took her check and laughed at her. I don't want to worry my parents who are getting older and older too. But I am so lost and feel so alone.

She sounds like she may have a mental illness and/or dementia. Was she like this before the surgery? Sometimes anesthesia in the elderly worsens underlying dementia. Sometimes patirents have a silent stroke that goes undetected and that can bring on vascular dementia.

Has she been evaluated by a psychiatrist or neurologist?