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I am having a hard time. She had open heart surgery a year ago on our anniversary of our wedding. She is serbian and wants my husband all to herself. She has gone to the neighbors and said I am beating her when I work all the time. She says she wants to do anything in her power to get us to divorce. My husband doesn't see that she never showers, throws away all the food we have prepared, doesn't brush her teeth, hides dirty clothes and food in the room, she is getting worse and my husband doesn't see it. She is so mean to me. My husband has to give her the pills because she will flush them otherwise. I so want to put her in a home where she could maybe be happier but my husband says it is too expensive and wants her to live with us. I hate him for it and he lets her be mean to me. My family is supportive but says its up to me to stay or not. I picked him and my vows were important but is love enough?

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She sounds like she may have a mental illness and/or dementia. Was she like this before the surgery? Sometimes anesthesia in the elderly worsens underlying dementia. Sometimes patirents have a silent stroke that goes undetected and that can bring on vascular dementia.

Has she been evaluated by a psychiatrist or neurologist?
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She was always tough on me. She has said I am not good enough for her son and I have no idea what it has been like for her in her life. I have asked my husband to take her to the neurologist or psychiatrist but he has said what for. All I do is cry. I feel so helpless. She smells so bad and is super embarassing and she is mean to me in public. She gave me some money because I think she wanted to show her son she was being nice and then told the neighborhood I took her check and laughed at her. I don't want to worry my parents who are getting older and older too. But I am so lost and feel so alone.
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I gave my husband her check as I don't need her money
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Okay, so "what for?" So you can get a proper diagnosis of what is going on, recommendations for what level of care she needs and perhaps meds that will make her less agitated.

Do you work outside of the home? Who cares for her while you do?

If you don't have a job, i highly recommed getting one.
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I see you say that you work all the time, so i take it you mean outside of the home.

Perhaps you need to step back from contact with her, and allow her son to do the caregiving. Including cleaning out her room.

Have you ever given any thought to the idea of seeing a counselor or therapist? Talking about your disappointment in your marriage and in your husband might help.
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Thats a good point. I work at my husband's work and check up on her during the day. But it is so awful, she breaks things and slams doors while I am there and sometimes it is hard to talk to the clients because she is having a tantrum. Otherwise she is completely by herself going through the neighborhood or the center by us with all the restaurants talking about me. I try to think I don't care what people think but it still hurts me. I have tried to talk to her but she blames me for everything that has happened bad in her life. My husband just thinks if we remain positive it will all just get better. It is a nice thought but in the meantime I am just so sad. I choose him to marry but not her and I get it, she is old but why does it have to be so hard? I stopped eating at the house and stopped almost everything but I am still so uncomfortable.
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Did she emigrate to the US, and at which time, in which year? Serbians have a complex history with a mixture of religious, feuding with other nationalities, and geopolitical conditions. She might have developed certain ideas about dominance and independence, and is desperately trying to enforce those now. Or, she just may be difficult to deal with.

I would start with standing your ground, including refusal to take her anyplace or be with her in public. But I think this is a larger issue involving old country male and female roles, and your husband is not going to support you. If that's the case, you have some serious considerations to weigh.

If husband expects you to continue to be a doormat, and you already hate him, it's time for you to seriously consider separate lives. I doubt your husband is going to change; why should he, for his mother, and with what seems to be a total lack of cooperation?

However, his lack of support suggests to me he's either turning a blind eye toward the situation, doesn't see the problems or want to get involved, or just thinks it's acceptable.

Do you have a job or career? Can you support yourself on your own?

Another possibility is to try to find Serbian cultural groups in your area; network with members and see if others face similar situations. It wouldn't surprise me if there's a strong cultural element and ingrained attitudes influencing MIL's behavior.

But you DON'T have to tolerate her abuse, uncleanliness or inexcusable behavior.
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You posted while I was typing. I see now that you work at your husband's place of employment. Is this a family business?
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You have a couple of choices.

1. You can leave. It sounds as though your family would be supportive while you find a new job and a new place to live.

2. You can see if there is someone with some influence with your husband, clergy, mom's doctor, someone with standing in the community who can point out to him that his mother is ill and needs help.
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Yes I do work Monday thru Saturday with no breaks. I am in sales. You are right maybe taking a step back would help but I feel like I have been doing that and nothing is getting done. Its like he doesn't care. We are going to a therapist and he feels like it is all my problem. So it turned into a bit of a fix me session versuses fix our marriage or his mother situtation.
Yes I have looked into serbian places around town and they all know her and my husband. They say its normal. She has been here for 50 years and we are not in Serbia anymore. I am Jewish, so you are right that is probably part of the problem. I just want to be happy and I am just crying all the time. I used to a positive person. Maybe you are right maybe I just need to seperate for a while. I just love him. It really is hard. I feel like the older I get the harder things are. I work at his office but I can work anywhere. I used to be able to work from home but not with her there. I do something seperate from my husband. But I help him a lot. I thought love would be enough but its not. I feel like he is just cool with everything and he said I was the one that wanted her to live with us but thats not true. I said she could not live by herself. She can't take care of herself. I just need a hug I think. I feel very alone.
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It's difficult to imagine how much more your mother- in- law will have to do to get your husband's attention. She's obviously has serious issues with her mental stability. Have the doctors said she was mentally ill or had dementia? What are those pills for that she is flushing down the toilet? Do her doctors know that she isn't taking her meds?

Maybe, she has always been fierce, but what you describe is way beyond that. It's quite sad. I would be concerned that she's going to really harm herself or do something quite damaging being left without supervision or treatment. If your husband won't budge, I would just try to protect myself. I wish you all the best.
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Are you a member of an Orthodox Jewish sect? I don't think so, based on what you wrote.

Personally, I think this is an intractable situation, and the love you feel for him is going to diminish with what I suspect is an ingrained attitude toward male and female roles. The MIL intervention was the trigger, and you're probably seeing attitudes that existed but until this time weren't reflected as strongly in his character.

What you also might want to consider is talking to your rabbi or Jewish Welfare Federation - they have an extensive variety of support and outreach options (at least here in SE Michigan that's the case).
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You are right. I need to go to the church and ask for help.
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You are right. I need to talk to the doctor and let him know she is not taking her meds without supervision. I agree she needs more help then what we can give her. I worry about her too when she is by herself. I feel like she is going to hurt herself and no one but me cares. I agree Dementia is something my parents think she has but my husband won't even acknowledge it.
Yes, you are right I am jewish and they are othrodox. Maybe my rabbi can help me. I agree it is a mess and their culture is never going to accept me. It just hurts.
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I appreciate everyone's help. Atleast I don't feel so alone right now.
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For the first time, I am crying because I am happy not depressed.
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Jackie, how long have you been married to this man?
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Jackie, I'm glad you see that there are cultural issues which aren't going to change. This may be the key to reaching a decision and help for you.

As I was thinking over your situation, I was remembering the nature of men in my mother's cultural community. Armenian men typically are dominant. They're the boss - they even lead in the open circle dances! Armenian women either accept it - some are docile and meek, or others become strong and aggressive to battle the male dominance.

These are cultural factors that I've seen from personal interaction and observation. And I haven't seen much change over the years. Mountains only move gradually or during volcanic or seismic events. And women generally can't equal the force of either of these.

So, you need to move yourself away from the mountain (not to be corny or simplistic or anything).

You'll need to decide (after lots of thinking, perhaps counseling and discussion) whether there's a way that you can accept the situation, probably with nominal if any changes. If so, then work on methods of acceptance, such as limiting your interaction with MIL, limiting what you do for her, etc.

However, if this isn't the way you want to be married and live for perhaps several years, then you begin to think about finding your own way and moving on w/o MIL, and perhaps without your husband.

I know it's easy to write this - it's a lot more challenging because he is YOUR husband, so hopefully this will seem like more objective advice because I'm outside the situation looking in, not literally trapped inside looking out.

It seems to me you have resources of your own, especially working, that you could work on and leverage into supporting yourself. Are there any children involved?

Again, I really would contact JWF - in my experience they offer more than any other religious outreach organization and don't limit their clients to Jewish people. They were even recommended by one home care social worker a few years back. And when I've briefly chatted with a representative at the Area Agency on Aging caregiver expos in past years, they were always ready and willing to extend their services to those in need.

But do give yourself all the time you need so you don't feel pressured into making a decision.

I would draft a series of steps that could change the home situation. Try them, if there's resistance and things can't be changed, it would help you inch your way toward a decision - and "inching" is approprate - this isn't a situation to be decided lightly, as it may seem from my posts - but again, I'm outside it, and I'm projecting into the future.

And, I'm glad you're crying tears of happiness!
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We have been together for 10 years but out of that ten married for 6.
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You are right, I have a lot of thinking to do. I am just scared. You are right about the cultural differences. I need to limit my interaction with her and let her rule the place while my husband sits back and lets her control everything. I don't know if I can live this way but I am scared of moving on. I don't want to hurt him. But he has hurt me by not doing anything or even in my view caring about her. I needed an outside interperation and you are right, this is unhealthy for me and just going to get worse. I had no idea or thought about the cultural differences because I figured since she has been out here so long she was american more but you are right. It is a huge factor. I have no friends just work so this has been hard and I don't want my parents to worry so you are right maybe the pastor of the serb church and my rabbi can help because I have no support.
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Thank you for the hug Babalou!
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You're quite welcome! Let us know how this is working out.
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Thank you. I will. It means a lot to me that there is still people that are kind out there. I feel so alone but today is the first day that I feel better. Thank you to everyone from the bottom of my heart.
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You are not alone. Many men do not understand the dynamic between their mothers and wives. They like to think of their mommas as Venuses who birthed them in a clam shell in an enchanted forest.

These men do not know how to set boundaries with their mothers and want to avoid conflicts with their mothers by sticking their heads in the sand and letting their wives do their "dirty work" for them. When it comes to their mommas, many men are cowards or just too timid. Wives see this side of their husbands and it's very unappealing.

Stop going to check on your MIL during the day. You are being abused and by continually going back to your abuser, you are enabling her to abuse you more.

Stop trying to help your MIL because she doesn't want your help. Let your husband deal with his mother and experience her in all her stinky glory.

You have a supportive family and be grateful for that! Make use of that network of support that you have. Would your family want you being abused like this? What does your mother have to say? Are you truthful with your family? This is not your fault and you needn't feel ashamed of what is going on.

All that said, if you choose to fight for your marriage, then tour some assisted living facilities and gather brochures from ones that are affordable and satisfactory. At a counseling session with your husband, do not let him turn it into fixing you! Rather, pull out the brochures and present them to your husband and tell him to pick one. You will have a third party in the room to witness your efforts to heal your marriage from this intruder. And that's what your MIL is right now - an intruder. Your counselor needs to help you convey this message to your husband. If he doesn't get it and continues to make it all about you, the counselor will explain that he's destroying his marriage.

You need to stop being the victim, take action, give him a couple of options for housing for his mother, and be prepared to accept his decision. But I think first he needs to see what it's like to take care of his mother himself. And while he's learning that very hard lesson, you need to go about your business and prepare yourself for whatever happens.

One more thing from my experience with my own MIL. You are not her child. You must relate to her like a grownup woman. She doesn't respect you because you have taught her it's okay not to respect you even in your own home. As long as you're still living at home, stand up for yourself and set boundaries.
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I think Jackie said her husband's main objection to moving his mother into an ALF is cost?

For me, it's very difficult to guess what part of the problem is cultural and what part is Jackie's MIL being just incredibly hostile to her, for reasons that may well have absolutely nothing to do with anything Jackie's ever done.

Well! A hostile old woman with health problems is one thing. You can outrun her, for a start :) But I think I'd find it harder to cope with a husband's indifference to her hostility, or rather his wilful refusal even to acknowledge it.

How were all the respective relationships going before your MIL had her surgery and moved in?
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I am in complete agreement with the other posters, and yes, there is fantastic support here on the AC! I think you should plan a weeks holiday (soon) away on your own with your parents or a sibling, as you said that you don't have many friends in the area. Let your husband see what it is like, caring for his Mother all on his own. This would give you time away to decompress, enjoy your own family, and have time away from the situation to really think about what it is that you want, without there being a threat of you abandoning your home. Your parents would enjoy a little time with you too! This would help you to put things into perspective, and allow you to go home refreshed, and ready to tackle the situation head on. Goid luck! I'm in a simular situation, and I understand how hard this is!
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H'm. What's the betting, though, that MIL would be as nice as pie with her son in charge - having got exactly the situation she'd like to make permanent - so that he'd have even less understanding of the problem.

Jackie, I don't mean it's not a good idea to take time out, I'm sure it is. But make it a rest for yourself rather than a lesson for your husband. Maybe you'll come back with some fresh ideas about how to wake him up?
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I think CM has a point - having successfully defeated Jackie, she can rely on her son, but I suspect it would only be a matter of time before she becomes demanding of him and expecting the same kind of service. It might be a good experience for him to see what she's really like.
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I left my husband after 30 years of marriage and 10 years of abuse. It was very difficult. We had tried counseling repeatedly. But in the end, I left and am slowly finding my way back.

I agree with the other posters, but if push comes to shove -- if I can do it, certainly you can. [[[cyber-HUG]]]
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Jackie, The cultural and faith based differences will always be an issue that you and your husband would have to work through. Either you can or cannot submit to these expectations within the marriage. If you cannot, or don't agree to, it is ok. There should be no guilt, no regrets.

In the United States there are laws that prevent abuse-even if that were the cultural norm in another country-one cannot live that way and should not have to live that way in a free country. However, it is very sad that a human being is abused. If love were enough, if faith were enough, the laws protecting you should be enough. This would allow you the freedom to leave. Please keep America a free society by not accepting abuse, and if you cannot make real changes, then leave to a safe place. If divorce is not the answer because of your faith, then live apart without divorcing.. In my opinion.
Living with an enemy inside your home, hell-bent to get the two of you divorced
is just wrong.
You are not so alone, you have friends here.
Hugs.
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