I am having a hard time. She had open heart surgery a year ago on our anniversary of our wedding. She is serbian and wants my husband all to herself. She has gone to the neighbors and said I am beating her when I work all the time. She says she wants to do anything in her power to get us to divorce. My husband doesn't see that she never showers, throws away all the food we have prepared, doesn't brush her teeth, hides dirty clothes and food in the room, she is getting worse and my husband doesn't see it. She is so mean to me. My husband has to give her the pills because she will flush them otherwise. I so want to put her in a home where she could maybe be happier but my husband says it is too expensive and wants her to live with us. I hate him for it and he lets her be mean to me. My family is supportive but says its up to me to stay or not. I picked him and my vows were important but is love enough?
Perhaps you need to step back from contact with her, and allow her son to do the caregiving. Including cleaning out her room.
Have you ever given any thought to the idea of seeing a counselor or therapist? Talking about your disappointment in your marriage and in your husband might help.
I would start with standing your ground, including refusal to take her anyplace or be with her in public. But I think this is a larger issue involving old country male and female roles, and your husband is not going to support you. If that's the case, you have some serious considerations to weigh.
If husband expects you to continue to be a doormat, and you already hate him, it's time for you to seriously consider separate lives. I doubt your husband is going to change; why should he, for his mother, and with what seems to be a total lack of cooperation?
However, his lack of support suggests to me he's either turning a blind eye toward the situation, doesn't see the problems or want to get involved, or just thinks it's acceptable.
Do you have a job or career? Can you support yourself on your own?
Another possibility is to try to find Serbian cultural groups in your area; network with members and see if others face similar situations. It wouldn't surprise me if there's a strong cultural element and ingrained attitudes influencing MIL's behavior.
But you DON'T have to tolerate her abuse, uncleanliness or inexcusable behavior.
Has she been evaluated by a psychiatrist or neurologist?
1. You can leave. It sounds as though your family would be supportive while you find a new job and a new place to live.
2. You can see if there is someone with some influence with your husband, clergy, mom's doctor, someone with standing in the community who can point out to him that his mother is ill and needs help.
I agree with the other posters, but if push comes to shove -- if I can do it, certainly you can. [[[cyber-HUG]]]
In the United States there are laws that prevent abuse-even if that were the cultural norm in another country-one cannot live that way and should not have to live that way in a free country. However, it is very sad that a human being is abused. If love were enough, if faith were enough, the laws protecting you should be enough. This would allow you the freedom to leave. Please keep America a free society by not accepting abuse, and if you cannot make real changes, then leave to a safe place. If divorce is not the answer because of your faith, then live apart without divorcing.. In my opinion.
Living with an enemy inside your home, hell-bent to get the two of you divorced
is just wrong.
You are not so alone, you have friends here.
Hugs.
Take your parents advice, is my thinking. At least get away for awhile and let that silly knobhead of a husband see how hard it is. (Sorry if I offended -- far too many husbands are macho s**t heads.)
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