Help with mother-in-law in late stages of Alzheimer's. Any advice?

One of the tricks I've read about is to cut off Depends with bandage scissors - they have a short end over the longer blade, not sharp, but do a great job. Then have her wear a housedress on top of the depends. We just made the switch with my mother - I had to take all her panties away from her or she would pull them out of the garbage and wear those instead of her Depends. (I found them for $0.45 each at Amazon). You might have to take away all her pants too, say they are in the wash when she asks. But just like with babies, it's easier to access the poopie when they are wearing a gown.

The other issue is compliance. When you talk to your toddler, you command him gently, You have to do that with MIL now, because she is a child mentally.

Finally, the eating issue. You will find great relief when she goes on hospice (free, part of medicare), and they can go on and off hospice numerous times depending on condition. The service will come to the house, wash her and help you all learn what the body is doing as it winds down. Losing weight is one of the requirements before going on hospice Not only is is a normal part of dementia, but it shows the end is near. If she refuses food, it's ok - it means she is not hungry, and that is part of the way we are designed to come to an end. It would be so much better for her to maintain some dignity before she goes, rather than to be trapped inside her useless body that can't walk, move, or tell you she's hurting. That's a DNR / PLOST order is so important - when the Lord calls her home, you don't want to be in His way and block His will by making her stay here longer. God bless you as you assist in this noble cause!

My FIL had alzheimers and he was diagnosed around age 60 and passed away at 68. Your MIL will eventually stop walking, then won't be able to sit in a chair without reclining, and then become bedfast. The appetite will continue to decrease and then she will forget how to swallow which will make her high risk for aspirating food into her lung which leads to pneumonia or death. NEVER take anything personal with an ALZ patient. They really do forget ALL things such as dressing, bathing, or how to move their foot from one spot to another. They become angry if they are afraid, confused, or when the disease has changed the brain so much their personality becomes different. You all really need help because this beast we call alzheimers will only get worst. As for your FIL, sometimes it is harder for men to ask for help than women. He is probably hurting emotional and physically. But gently remind him there is great help out there for him and her. Hospice would be a blessing to you all and for your MIL. Our family had hospice for a year before my FIL passed. They came 5 days a week for bathing, sent social workers and chaplains regularly and then helped make his passing peaceful. Good Luck and remember one day at a time.

Try not to give nefarious motives to someone with dementia or Alzheimer's. They do what they do because it's what feels good. Sometimes they do things because they're mad. That's allowed.

Does your FIL have some money to spare? If he does, he needs to part with some of it. I think this is the most common failure of families: not wanting to spend any money to help themselves, their family caregivers or their loved ones.
Tell your FIL to get someone in to clean the house if he can't do it. Call senior social services and see how much Meals on Wheels would cost and what other services might be available to them either free or at greatly reduced cost. Mom had a lady cleaning her home and doing laundry for 2 hours every other week for a total of $48 for the month. She had Meals on Wheels for $5 a day.

It doesn't sound as if your MIL should be alone. Please. Call your local police department for the phone number for senior services in your area. They will send someone out to interview her and the family, evaluate her and see what services they might provide to ease your burden.

kristi27, I am very sorry for the stressful situation you are in. It sounds like you are a caring, compassionate person. Naturally your attention has been on nurturing young children at this point in your life. While in some ways elders with dementia may seem to behave as youngsters, they are going in an entirely different direction. It would be disturbing if a toddler ate very little for several days. It may be "natural" for the elder with dementia.

Since she is in the late stages of dementia it may be very appropriate at this point to have her evaluated for hospice care. This is a special kind of service for those in the end stage of their lives. The goal is not to "cure" them or make them "better" but to ensure as much quality as possible, and as much freedom from pain and distress, for the remainder of their lives. If she is evaluated and they concur that she is eligible for the services, take advantage of them! If it isn't time yet, ask what to watch for and call on them later.

My husband died in our home, holding my hand. He had been on hospice care 5 weeks. My mother was on hospice care in a nursing home for about three months and then was discharged from the program because she improved so much. Hospice does not hasten death or prolong life. They are just there to help the entire family through the natural experience as it unfolds.

Of course you hate to hear that her body is winding down. This is very sad. But if it is true -- and hospice can help determine that -- then knowing it and acting accordingly is a blessing to all concerned.

My heart goes out to all of you. Please keep us informed as this progresses. Many of us have been where you and where your FIL is now. We care!

Thanks so much. When going through this it seems like your by yourself. Its very comforting to hear from all of you helping and sending prayers. The medication she takes to keep her more calm is new, had it about a week. We don't give it on really bad days. She was a poor eater before. I'm not sure how to handle the excuses she makes to not eat or drink. I can't understand what she is trying to tell us. I will say something to father in law. I'm sure my hubby has tried to talk to him to.

Kristi, this board was my only support group, and I came often to get some help. I was so thankful to the ones who helped me along the way. You are not alone. I just finished the endstage as mom passed July 3, and I want to help someone who is going through this disease. The end stage is very emotional and you will find yourself crying, because you probably are already in the grief process, as it starts when we know the end is near. Things will get better for you and your family!

This was my only outreach also. You have helped me understand and I thank you for that. I will pass on the knowledge I have acquired through this ordeal as well. I have found myself crying about her condition. She is not my mother but I have been around her for 11 years and she taught me a lot wheni married her son. I just hate seeing one of the kindest women I know that never said a curse word or a bad thing about anyone go through this horrible disease.

You are a very loyal wife and daughter-in-law and it sounds like you may need an extra set of hands on the days you are with her. Can you bring in a caregiver for a few hours on those days? Maybe you can get away with the kids during that time. Or find a babysitter for the kids and take a few hours to yourself.

There are 3 of you caring for your mom and even then I'm sure it's challenging. On the days when you're alone with her I think you need some professional assistance.

We are considering getting assistance with her. Not just on days when I am here alone but days for my father law too. She was always a neat and tidy person so he never had to clean up. Now I am trying to take care of two houses. It is challenging when she won't eat or take anything I offer. She does not eat much when she does eat. Does any one know if that is part of it or just stubbornness because her husband isn't home? I'm not sure but it stresses me knowing she has not eaten in hours.

Thanks. I know its going to be hard discussing help. Hospice was around when his mother died last year and that is one reason I don't think he wants help. He fears the worst but I can't get it in his head that its happening. I hope and pray its peaceful whenever it does happen and for the suffering to stop. We are not forcing her to eat. I truely believe she has forgotten and doesn't like being fed or getting help. I think that's why she gets so angry. She is stuck and don't want help. Me and my family went to the lake today and they were asked to join us but FIL didn't want to. So I'm not sure how she did today.