Mother-in-law is mentally unwell and can't afford her house. Advice? - AgingCare.com

Mother-in-law is mentally unwell and can't afford her house. Advice?

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My mother-in-law has a history of mental illness. Truth be told, it had a very large and negative impact on my husband throughout childhood and teenage years. She has a pattern: work becomes "overwhelming" and she stops going. She becomes paranoid about people coming into her house. She isolates herself and starts turning off services (phone, TV, etc.) to lower her bills. Eventually she is institutionalized against her will. All of these times, she has had a boyfriend to financially take care of things.

Fast forward to present day. My mother-in-law broke up with her boyfriend of 16 years because they had planned to move to another state and he actually wanted to follow through with it. He started building a house there in preparation for their retirement. At the last minute, she decided not to move and she broke up with him. A few months later, work became "too much" for her, so she stopped going and decided to retire. She believes she has a physical disability preventing her from working, but she spends her days gardening, crafting, and redecorating her house. She is only 62 years old, and she spent much of her life underemployed or working under-the-table, so she is only receiving $900/month in Social Security. Her mortgage alone is $1,500/month with $7,000/year in property taxes. My husband is sick over this situation and has many sleepless nights. A year has sinced passed, and we assumed she at least had some savings she was living off of, but we found out over the holidays that she only has $7,000 in the bank, no retirement money, and she is only getting $900/month income. We were shocked! She is literally in danger of losing her home within 3 months. My husband and his two brothers recently tried an intervention with her, telling her she needs to go back to work part-time, get a roommate, or sell her house and move into a subsidized Senior apartment. She absolutely refuses to do any of this. Her boyfriend is now with another woman, so no chance of him coming back.

My husband’s brothers believe it is their duty to ensure she doesn’t “lose” the house. Rather than confronting their mother’s mental illness and trying to get her help, they would rather split her bills 3 ways and pretend there is no problem. One of them just lost his job, and the other is fresh out of grad school, unemployed, and a stay-at-home dad living in a small apartment. We are all lower middle-class. My husband and I are currently living with my parents and attempting to save up to buy a house.

My feeling is that paying my mother-in-law’s bills allows her to keep living in a fantasy land. It isn’t a sustainable situation. Are we supposed to pay her bills for the rest of her life so she can live in a 3-bedroom house all by herself making crafts all day? I feel like this is taking away money from us that we could be putting into our own retirement accounts, money for our own (future) children and our own lives. I feel it is selfish. My husband is on board with me, but he is from an Italian family that will (in his words) think he’s a piece of trash if he doesn’t “help her out” which basically means support her.

I don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation. She refuses to seek mental help, thinks nothing is wrong, and says we’re all “ganging up” on her and she worked hard her whole life and now deserves to retire in her home. She is a very nice person, but this situation is making me despise her. She has little equity in her house, only $30,000 or so. She has taken out multiple mortgages over the years. My husband's two brothers live far away, so the brunt of tackling this situation is falling to us.

Advice?

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First, the math doesn't work - with her SS and $1200 from the sons, she'll just cover the mortgage and property taxes. This leaves no money for anything else - utilities, food, etc., - nevermind the costs of maintenance and repairs. Starting to pay her bills will begin a slippery slope.

Second, while we may thing we deserve a certain way of life, we are not entitled to have this as the expense of others.

Third, I get where you're coming from on the Italian family thing. I'm not generalizing, just coming from my own experience with this. The mindset in my family is that the kids are expected to care for Ma in whatever manner Ma needs, and they are quite vocal about what OTHER people should do to achieve this. That doesn't mean that they will provide any help, just a lot of criticism and direction. Sons are expected to pay the bills, daughters to provide the hands on everything else. You aren't going to change the way the uncles think or the brothers' caving in to FOG. Your husband will have to state over and over that it's not possible for him to subsidize his mom's life.

I really feel for you two and the pressure you're under - we've been dealing with the family for 3 decades right now and still hearing "yeah, but..." And I agree with Pam, that since you're not blood, you have no standing. In my family, the "not blood" person gets the rap if the spouse says no. But that's much better than putting your own family in a financially precarious position. Good luck and hugs to you.
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advice for your husband "i do not have the money to send $XX per month" and get him to counseling. It sounds like he will have a bad time being the bad guy (in his eyes) when the siblings and uncles rally around. If the uncles are so concerned - can THEY pony up? They are probably more established than your husband and siblings. But to not do this. It will be year after year AND the amounts needed will increase. Been there, done that, and learned the hard way NOT to enable bad decisions by others. And needed counseling to be able to say "NO"
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UPDATE:
Hi everyone. I promised to update, so here I am. The situation hasn't changed. My MIL is still in the same situation she was in before; refuses to sell her house, but is growing more desperate. Her ex-boyfriend started sending her money to meet her bills because she was calling him nonstop, but he recently stopped when things went sour between them. They are no longer speaking, and he is no longer sending money. She has enough for 4 more months of bills.

Of course, now my husband's brothers are getting more involved (from out-of-state) at the last minute. One has secured a retail job and the other has seasonal work, so they have a little bit of income. They keep repeating, "We can't let her lose the house!" but my husband and I disagree. Unless one of us wants to buy the house, paying the mortgage makes no sense. The house has no equity, and my MIL can't afford it on her own. The brothers are now suggesting that we all pay $400/month to float her until we can sell it. However, MIL refuses to sell the house. I can't help but feel that if we start paying, there will be no end in sight.

My husband is considering going to therapy over this situation because we've been so stressed about it. We barely have enough money to save up ourselves. He is torn by guilt in saying No he won't pay, and consumed with anger and regret if he does end up paying.

Any advice I can pass on to him on how to handle this?
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Kathleen, I'm with the other posters, DO NOT contribute to this disaster! As you have stated, it will not end well. But in fairness, no matter what you do now, it will not end well. One thought, personally, I feel that her sons should be clear with her. Put her financial situation in writing, large type income and expenditures. Figure out how long that $5000 nest egg will last and show her the timeline of when she will be out of resources. Ask her how she plans to live at that point. AND each son should be clear that he is unable to help financially or by having her move in. Present alternatives at that point. Subsidized housing (get the applications, complete them and have them ready for her to sign). Take in two boarders, one for each room. Have the ad ready to place. (Even this step won't take her very far.)
I've been a caregiver to 3 relatives one passed at 101, another at 98 and the 3rd is 100. If your MIL reaches those ages, how can the sons pay out all of those sums for 38 years?? What a mess, chin up- As long as you and your husband are in sync, you will be able to tough it out.
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You absolutely have a say in this. It is your money too and it is also your future. First, your MIL needs to determine which of her sons will be her financial and medical POA. Whichever one of them becomes her POA has no authority to spend your money or make any demands of you. Her POA will be in charge of her money and, once the house is sold, there will be a lot of it. Her POA will put her on a budget and, if she blows through all that money, her POA will file her paperwork for Medicaid and whatever else she's entitled to from having worked in the State of Connecticut. This has nothing to do with being Italian, half Italian, or anything like that. That is a bunch of "Old World" hogwash used to manipulate people.
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UPDATE: I was asked to give an update on my MIL's situation with her house. It is now a month later and very little progress has been made. My husband has been able to get his mom to take some baby steps in arranging her finances, but I mean BABY STEPS. He cancelled her expensive cable TV, got her a Netflix account, and lowered her internet bill by $30/month. He also got her a better deal in Car/House insurance, nearly 50% cheaper per month. That's it, though. That's the only progress, and it was an epic battle to get even that done. She would become overwhelmed and frustrated "with all of the changes" and try to distract him from completing whatever it was they were doing. My husband decided to step back from pushing and nagging his mom because it was starting to ruin their relationship. His mother was agitated and angry and felt like he was attacking her. She became very upset every time he suggested that she should sell her house and downsize. We talked, and I told him that I think his relationship with his mother is more important than saving her house and he should stop pushing her so hard. She is now apparently spending her days watching Netflix and not really doing anything regarding her situation. Her first Social Security check of $900 comes next month. Her savings is down to less than $5,000. It's not going to end well. I will keep everyone posted.
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If you were to "help" financially, you would be enabling her to live in her fantasyland just like if she were using drugs to get there. Something is wrong and she won't change until she hits rock bottom. Since she's been institutionalized before, that's probably where she's going to go at some point. At that time, you can seek guardianship by **the state** so no one can blame you for any thing. The state will make sure she is taken care of properly, maybe not the way she likes. And family can go visit and honestly say, I can't do anything to fix this, sorry. Let her fail on her own .
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Thanks, everyone. We're slowly helping her sell things and trying to convince her to downsize. It's an uphill battle. She refuses to sell her house at the moment. Hopefully with time, she'll understand that no magic fix is coming.
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Stand your ground! Better for husband to be thought a jerk by some relatives than to be divorced and broke!

I feel sorry for people who have mental illnesses. I really do. My heart goes out to MIL. She did not ask for or engineer this disease. It is very unfortunate no one has stepped in and forced the issue of diagnosis and treatment. She shouldn't have been raising children with this untreated disease! If the brothers got together and confronted her instead of enabling her that MIGHT be worth the effort.

In spite of feeling sorry for her, I don't see how it would be an improvement to pull her sons into her misery.

My mother lived on $800 a month SS. She lived in a comfortable subsidized senior apartment, she bought her clothes at thrift stores. She went with her sister to Bingo nights for entertainment. She was content. It really is possible if one is careful. Your MIL has options other than relying on her boys. Your husband's role should be to help her discover the options and help her implement them. Help her sell her furniture? Yes! Help her apply for senior housing? Yes! Help her move? Absolutely! Pay for her to stay in an untenable situation? No, no. no!

Stand your ground, dear. This is very sad. But it is Not Your Fault.
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Kathleen, stand your ground. If necessary, the state will become her guardian.
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