My MIL has lived with us for 4 years now and I get so frustrated with her. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

My MIL has lived with us for 4 years now and I get so frustrated with her. Any advice?

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She makes no effort to talk and shows no emotions.

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Frustration hurts me as much as I know it hurts her.

I read a book once about a college professor who got Alzheimer's. She was able to relay her story as it happened. She was aware it was happening. She said that as frustrating as it is for the family when she can not recall a memory or when she is searching for the right words (my mom called Dollar General "Butterscotch" the other day), it is MANY times more frustrating for that dementia patient who is searching in their brain for the memory or the right word ESPECIALLY if they know they are frustrating you.

I have to CONSTANTLY remind myself of that.

I get frustrated with my mom every week. It's hard. It sucks. I keep reminding myself that she would be there for me and handle it with much more grace than I do.

But yet, I still get frustrated to tears.
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Thanks everyone, adult foster care, never heard of this will have to check this out.
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I get in trouble if I forget that my mom has dementia. If I talk and start to converse with her, as I would with anyone else, I take offense that she's just sitting there - seemingly listening. But in reality, she's faking it, and I'm left to feel foolish when she doesn't respond with comments or emotions.
I even lost my patience last night as we were eating dinner, and asked why she wasn't responding. She looked at me, eyes confused. She couldn't understand that most people converse during dinner, making it a social experience.
Long story short, I dust off my caregiving guide, and lo and behold - it's not uncommon for (even mild) dementia patients to have trouble expressing themselves, in any way shape or form. So, I feel better inside to find the cause,
but sad to realize this is the new Mom. It's up to me to change my thinking, Just like when I raised my girls, as a parent I had to change my thinking to keep up with their growing up.
And, yes - it must be horrendous to deal with a parent who acts out loudly and maybe cruelly to the family! But - silence is also very upsetting in its own way. That much closer to the final silence.
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Put her in an NH.
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Muittlou, do not feel guilty, it will eat u up. We recently put my mom in adult foster care and she is happy and my sister and i feel so much better. We had her living with me 9 yrs and sis 5 so it was time for a change. She likes where she is. I hope the best for you.
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I'm not trying to be a Debby-downer, but maybe you should be a little relieved she's not demanding, yelling, screaming, falling down all the time...at least not yet, depending on her health status/conditions. Relief caregivers love my mother because they say she's "very easy" to care for compared to other clients. You should definitely get your MIL checked out by a healthcare provider just to rule out depression or early stages of some other illness. As long as her medical needs are being met and she's in a safe environment, this, I feel is the priority. The social needs are up to her, so you may just need to wait it out and see if she'll come around. Was she always behaving this way or it's just been a slow steady decline in talk and in emotion in the last four years? You'll definitely want to mention this to her doctor. In the meantime, you shouldn't feel guilty to enjoy a little peace - before all Hell breaks loose because it can get ugly - quick. There's only so much you/we can do for our loved ones. You just have to accept in your heart that you're doing all you can for her.
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izzmir. What does your husband say about it? She is his mother. I don't know what's wrong with her, so I can't say why she won't talk. Many reasons. If you knew why you could help her. Is she mean?
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muttilou I think she is passive because she is depressed, the two go hand in hand sometime. I am sorry about your mom, I hope you find someplace for her.
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Met to say her muscles aren't working. She's in askilled nursing place but they don't have any long term beds...I am unable to care for her and fell really guilty.
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My mom acts the same way. I know she's depressed and have argued with the skilled nursing place she is at that she is depressed. They say no she's too passive. What the heck does that mean. Now they are saying they are releasing her soon and I need to find a skilled nursing place to put her in due to her medical issues. Muscles in esphophes (ms) and stomach. So she can't eat or drink anything. She is hooked up to a j tube in her small intestine. Sounds to me she's depressed.....jmo
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