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Daughter-in-law burn out. After seven years of unbearable stress of caring for my mother in law, we find ourselves with a possible out of state move. I have asked my husband to talk with his brother and sister to have one of them take over since the move is going to be very stressful enough. I have told him I do not want to take her and it time for one of them to step up?
Am I being unreasonable ? I do not know why she is my responsibility and not her daughters. I am considering a divorce since I see no way out of this situation and I never thought I would be a caregiver for her. My husband said he does not like ultimatums.

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I'm going to guess that you do most of the heavy lifting in this caregiving for mil. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm amazed at how many men expect their wives to deal with caring for the husbands parents and how many women go along with this only to become stressed out wrecks. (I'm a husband btw...) do what ever it takes to save yourself. If I'm wrong about hubby, my apologies.
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Sounds like your husband has avoidant personality. I know because so many of the males in my family have it. They will try anything - and say anything - to get out of possibly offending someone. He is honestly willing to bet his marriage rather than man up and confront his own family. It's not your responsibility to do all the work and they DO need to step up.
Get a middle man - like a geriatric social worker, or a counselor, to sit down with both of you and mediate the situation. Another opinion from someone not in the family may help persuade him that it's time to involve the rest of the family.
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You have no standing to say what your husband's siblings must do. Your husband does not have that authority or power either.

But you certainly have the standing, authority, and power to say what YOU will do. You can say, for example, "I will not continue living in a home with my MIL." And you can enforce that. If that is an ultimatum, so be it.

This is not about whether your sib-in-laws are selfish. It is not about them at all. It is about what YOU are willing to do. If that no longer includes a stressful living situation, you need to make that perfectly clear.

Couples counseling might be a very good idea.

Seeing a family law attorney to find out what your options are if you are considering ending the marriage might not be a bad plan either.
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Hi Dilburnout, He doesn't like ultimatums???? So don't give him one....just say I cannot do this anymore and when we move she is not coming with us (or me). Tell him you love him, but you need to take care of yourself first! Did he ask for your help in caring for HIS mom in the beginning or were you volunteered? This makes a big difference....was it suggested that it would only be for a short time? He needs to help also and for sure his siblings should either help or put up the money for their mothers care....this will probably cause an uproar, but it's worth fighting for your freedom. If the 'sibs' won't help their own mother tell them to look into Assisted living facilities for her and let them split the cost by themselves for as many years as YOU have been caring for her. Blessings to you, LindaZ
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I think you have gotten some very good encouragement and advice here. I would like to ask if you and your husband have considered some marriage counseling.?? If this one scenario is going to terminate your marriage....a trip to a counselor, in my humble opinion, is the WAKE UP call your hubby needs. Good luck and thank you for your service! :)
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I don't need to tell you you're in a terrible position here. Because the uninvolved siblings never seem to think their turn is coming or even that they ought to have a turn. They generally think that the situation is taken care of once another sibling steps up, and will likely feel you're pulling the rug out from under them if you tell them you're considering a move out of state.

I agree you've more than paid your dues after 7 years, especially given the fact that she's not even your parent. You've done way more than your share - you've done everyone else's share as well. Just the same, it probably won't work for your husband to tell his siblings that they need to take over. Neither one will want to do it, even if both of them think the other should maybe take over. A better approach would be what chicago1954 alluded to - tell the siblings that the bunch of them have to come up with a new plan for Mom because his family is moving and Mom isn't coming along.

I may be reading this wrong, but it sounds like husband is being a coward about this. It sounds like he's pushing back on you (and trying to put blame on you for phrasing your position as an ultimatum) rather than actually considering your feelings and the inherent unfairness of the situation. I think you almost have to give him an ultimatum. You have to be clear that taking MIL along to the new home is not negotiable, because if you give them any wiggle room, they'll all work their way into leaving the situation exactly as it is.

They need to jointly come up with another plan for MIL. This could be moving in with one of the other siblings, a senior residence, paid help, government services, Medicaid, a group home, splitting time among the siblings, having her move in with another relative or friend, whatever. They have to sit down and go over what's feasible and what's preferable for MIL and come to a consensus. As long as it's understood that you continuing to be primary caregiver is not one of the options.
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You're not unreasonable. I'm assuming that the issue hasn't been presented to the siblings yet, and that your husband is anticipating you're going to continue to provide care?

I think you're justified in expecting the siblings to become involved, regardless of whether they live in the area or elsewhere.

If the ultimatum is what your husband anticipates receiving from you, don't give him one, but you could consider giving one to his siblings, very nicely put in a letter or e-mail advising that you anticipate moving out of state around a certain date. While it has been your pleasure to take care of your MIL, you (a) don't want to deprive them of her company by taking her with you (b) there won't be adequate room in the new house (c) you feel it would be too traumatic for her and she needs to stay in the area. You're glad to have the opportunity to allow them to share in her care now however.

You'll be leaving no later than xyz date; they should advise you as soon as they've completed their arrangements to move her to their homes or in a facility. If you haven't heard from them by a given time (maybe a few weeks before your move), you'll consider that they're opting out of care and you'll make arrangements for her to live in a facility.

That's a forceful but tactful way to handle it, but it may annoy your husband if you don't work out an agreement with him first. If he's adamant that you're going to continue to provide free care, then you may have to give him an ultimatum and make your own plans.

Are there children involved?

And while it's easy for me to write this, I think of the MIL who no one seems to want and feel sad that, regardless of the kind of person she is, her own son and daughter don't seem to be concerned enough to step up to their responsibilities. It must be hard to be an unwanted parent.
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"OK. Take care of her yourself." LOL. Who is he kidding?

If his mom needs care, he and his siblings need to decide what to do. It might not be as easy as "Putting her in a home." Since, she still has some rights.
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Isn't he giving you an ultimatum?
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