My MIL 75 y/o, drinks wine like water, will not take a bath, and is sleeping in a bed soaked with pee. What can we do?

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She wants me to stay with her 24/7. I have a family to take care of. She uses people. Says she falls all the time and cannot get up. I refuse to help someone who will not help herself. I am she when I left in the middle of the night she was furious. I can't do it. My ideas is declare her mental incompetent. Put her in a facility. Not she what kind she has drank like a fish all her life. It is getting entirely out of hand. What can we do?

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I think your first move is for your husband and you to attend al anon meetings. You can learn how not to enable, and get valuable advice on getting your MIL help. I speak as a recovering alcoholic, it must be the alcoholic's choice to quit. An alcoholic quits only when they are ready. I would tell her you can't handle her drinking and until she stops you have to stay away. Let her hit bottom.
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@MichelleHeart, I understand what you are getting at (enabling and all that) but I think it is unfair to saddle the poster with part of the responsibility of this when it extremely difficult to care for a person who is actively combatting and manipulating you at every turn. The situation becomes overwhelming AND exhausting, and all the while you are attempting to live your life (which you are very much entitled to do), work and care for kids in addition to it.

Sorry but my take on parent/child situation is that it is not the child's responsibility to raise the parent. No doubt as we age, we break down cognitively as well as physically. I am not implying that we abandon our parents in any way. But it is not always the case of "caregiver neglect" that causes these situations.
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Can you afford a medical detox center? That's a good start, if they agree to it.
How can you get there is the question. Try making her wash the sheets everyday. Please get a new mattress and keep plastic on it to keep it clean. Perhaps you are part of the problem from year of neglect (of course no one wants to admit that) I mean people are not objects to move around all the time, and as elders they lose control. Try taking the wine away after a glass or two, and/or water it down. How about a medical restraint or a med for bladder control? You are part of this arrangement, unless you put her in hospice.
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I am sorry you are dealing with such a mess. I think I would talk to a Social Worker about the situation very, very truthfully and have her situation assessed. I understand the social worker that handles cases for the elderly in your area will come to the home and check things out very well. That is what I would personally do to try and get your loved one some help. Hope this help! Be kind to yourself, none of this is your fault, do the best you can and that is all you can do.
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I would think the not taking a bath part and sleeping on soiled sheets are because she is drinking too much as opposed to these things being 3 separate issues. And I agree with the others that you can't just snatch the wine bottle away because your MIL could become very sick. In order to stop drinking she needs to detox in a medical setting.

Now your problem becomes getting her there.
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My dad was the same way- an alcoholic with a narcissistic bent. He fell down outside in his apartment complex, went to the hospital and the detoxed him, then rehab. Then he started drinking again (in the ALF) and was a terror there for a year, until another major health crisis (atrial fibrillation- related to drinking, no doubt). More hospital, detox, rehab again. Then he realized drinking was killing him and stopped (now sober 2 years). I think having a little narcissism helps because he realizes he can stay around longer WITHOUT the alcohol and bug us longer being the center of the universe which everyone revolves around. Unfortunately, alcoholism usually builds to a crisis, because while they are drinking, you cannot have a conversation with them....about anything important. And its really hard to watch someone destroy themselves that way. Hang in there.
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I agree, she definitely needs to be put in a facility. Sounds like there is a bit of narcissism at play on her part as well. I deal with a similar drinking/narcissism issue with my 70 y/o father whom I care for.

Honestly, I'm sure she will hate it but you will at least be able to sleep at night peacefully, not being manipulated by her "perceived" needs and knowing she is being cared for.

I wish you luck in this situation. I know the feelings you have all too well.
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If she is that serious of an alcoholic, she cannot simply stop drinking. She must go to a detox center first, and be medically monitored through her detox. You can die from alcohol detox if you are not properly treated with detox medication to prevent seizures. However, you can really only detox someone who is willing to enter a detox facility, she probably isnt. The only other thing you can do is wait until the next time she is drunk, call 911 and have her Baker acted...where they will put a mandatory 72 hour hold on her, and begin the detox process. Then social workers will step in and decide to, or help her decide to enter a detox. Adult protective services can also be called to check out her living situation. When they see the wet bed and the falls, they will not allow her to return home and she will be forced to detox.
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