Husband found out his 88 year old mom cut him out of her will in favor of his indigent sister who has put her through one crisis after another for 40+ years with amazing consistency. Sister and her husband currently live with their daughter. They have 4 children and 3 grandchildren, no home, no rental. Mom lives alone in a small home with reverse mortgage. The initial money is all gone and she lives on SS. My husband has consistently provided his mom with landscaping, painting, handyman and mechanic services for many years. Going immediately or as soon as he can if non-emergency. Also, he's gifted her necessary items like toilets, faucets, disposals, etc. He even fixed her broken sewer line saving her $3000. Mom is unimpressed. She sees these things as her due. Son-in-law has no skills so has to be my husband. What she really wanted from my husband he didn't provide... a new car, new cabinets and new countertops for her reverse mortgage home, cable TV, a larger TV than the one he got her. MIL says her daughter is committed to caring for her going forward and she has no one else (as my husband and I look at each other with raised eyebrows). I took care of both my parents in their last years. MIL won't listen to how Medicaid works should she need it. Said she's not going to worry about such things. Somehow MIL believes that years of rescuing her daughter will secure her a daughter/friend and goodwill, and she's sweetening the deal with a payout. MIL says my husband said he didn't want anything from her. That was taken out of context. Honestly, my husband would be very happy if mom needs all her money for herself and there's nothing left, but he'd also like to be remembered if there is anything left over. And we do understand that a will is no guarantee that things will go as planned. I know full-well what can be done with a power of attorney written correctly. My husband says his sister should step up and take care of her mom out of principle. Sister has also gotten money for years from their dad and stepmom. They've given her family money and 13 vehicles so far and not a single repayment on signed promissory notes. If mom sold her house now she would get almost $200K in equity. MIL says she's signed the will and she can't undo it. She doesn't know where it is or what else she's signed. We told her we're afraid for her future. The daughter has stolen mom's credit card before. Mom says she doesn't remember that. She's now conveniently forgotten all the terrible stories that kept her upset over the years. She and daughter are living a cozy little life now, going to church together, shopping, paying bills. We're not only afraid mom will be taken advantage of, but the daughter will be spiteful and stop giving us information on mom. For instance, if mom goes into the hospital we won't be informed. Mom admits that daughter can be spiteful and she walks softly around her. There's no hope here. My husband wants to cut the connection as they clearly were going to continue to use him for his services and avoid the truth as long as possible.

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Your husband should cut his losses and walk away right now. He also shouldn't do a damn thing for his mother anymore. From what you say she clearly has no respect for her son and by extension for you, so he should stop.

Her spiteful daughter stands to inherit whatever mom has so she can take up the responsibility of her in exchange.

If she is unwilling to be fair to her son (your hsuband) then he should abandon her. Don't do anything for her. Don't pay for anything. Don't arrange for any home repairs or make sure thigs get taken care of. Call her once a week to wish her well, and if she starts complaining hang up and start calling once a month.
She has decided to put her money on the spiteful, incompetent, basically useless daughter and she's going to lose. So let her lose.
She is making the choice to push her son away by the disrespectful and entitled way she treats him. So he should go away.
Helpful Answer (24)
Reply to BurntCaregiver

Inheritances are not only about money, it is how the person is thought of by the departed LO and I’m sure your husband is hurt by his mother’s revelation. I wouldn't give MIL one more dime. The bright side is there will be very little if anything left after the reverse mortgage is satisfied and SIL won’t be getting much if anything.

After your MIL is gone your SIL will continue to have her hand out. People like her just think other people need to be bailing them out. Put your husband on notice now that you will not be subsidizing her. I write this because I know this from my life experience.
Helpful Answer (22)
Reply to Hothouseflower

This is one of those family messes that can't be fixed. It's clear, as others have advised, you need to break off contact.

Sometimes we want to keep trying, but your husband is right. It's over. If these people were gone from your life, so would be the stress, heartache, time, and money you've expended on the situation. How free you'd feel!

After the breakup, what if she calls you in the middle of the night because her toilet is overflowing? Have the number of a good plumber available and slowly read it to her over the phone. Then go back to sleep.

I wish you luck.
Helpful Answer (20)
Reply to Fawnby

I feel so horrible for your husband but in re reading this question, the answer is clear. CUT OFF ALL CONTACT. NEVER go over there EVER AGAIN. NEVER. Block their phone numbers, etc. NOTHING. NEVER. EVER. DONE.
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to Jennycap

Sounds like Mom and Sis have their own little world and husband is just tolerated in it. Your husband is perfectly in the right to cut her off. If he has any "but it's my mother" feelings, then remind him she hasn't been a motherly figure in a long time. Like you said, she feels like he owes her. He didn't ask to be born and a good parent does not saddle her son with "I raised you so you owe me". She chose to have kids and thus knew she'd be the one feeding and clothing them for at least 18 years.

It isn't about the money. It's a slap in the face to all the work, literal WORK he has done for her. But since she has teamed up with a greedy sister, there probably won't be much left anyway. And once the sister is alone, any remaining assets will tank.

So once he cuts contact, I'm sure the phone calls will come wanting him to fix things and do her bidding. If husband picks up the phone, there's options.

"Mom, I'm getting older too and can't do as much with your house like I used to. I know of some people you can call if you need house repairs."

"I think you and sister have all you need there. She can find help if it's needed. If an appliance is broken, buy a new one."

"Mom, since you cut me out of the will, I assume you don't love me or appreciate all the work I've done. So I won't upset you anymore by going to your house to fix things."
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to LoopyLoo
MightGetSmart May 1, 2023
Thanks to all the supportive replies we are seeing what we refused to see before... this is toxic. We do feel responsibility to parents, but this is a major slap in the face. We can see years of sweetness aimed at getting things she wanted. Now she's given up and resentful.

Your husband must realize that there isn’t a reset button that he can press to start all over.

His mom and sister have shown him with their actions exactly what they think and feel about him. He has been cut out of the will. Their only interest in him has been about using him.

It’s time for him to start believing them. It is futile for him to believe that change is possible at this point.

They are only interested in their point of view because they view themselves as being so special. He isn’t special to them.

I’m so sorry. It’s especially painful for your husband and painful for you to watch him suffer.
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

My mother said to me "I am not leaving you anything in my will, you have enough"!

Now this is someone who I catered to for over 60 years, while my brother did little or nothing.

She also bought him a convertible, I took her to the car lot, the guy who was helping her said "Are you buying one for your daughter too"! Oh no, she has one, I did, it was 12 years old.

That was a real slap in the face, not actually about the money it is about indirectly saying to me "You mean nothing to me, I am just using you".

Well, that ended that, I never spoke to her again, it's been almost 13 years and this is the third time I went no contact. This time it is forever.

My brother is stuck with her and he is going through Hail as she doesn't have me to take it out on anymore, she is 98. I help him behind the scenes, support him.

Not one other member of the family speaks to her, her brother hasn't for 35 years, she is poison.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to MeDolly
Jennycap May 1, 2023
BRAVO - I would have done the same thing,. She made her bed - now let her lie in it.
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Your MIL will have nothing when she dies. I think with reverse mortgages, all the fees are at the end? Let it go. Your DH would probably have done what he did for Mom even if he knew then there was no inheritance. TG he did not remodel her kitchen or pay for a bigger TV or cable or a car!. I would think if she wanted a remodel, she could have made a deal with the Mortgage Company to give her extra money based on her equity she still had. Maybe thats what she'll need to do now. Ask for xtra money to cover all the things ur husband will no longer do.

I would give her no more money. Tell her to get it from the daughter who inherits everything. Your bank is closed.

You said she lives in a small home and there is still 200k in equity? That goes down as she receives money against it every month.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to JoAnn29
MightGetSmart May 1, 2023
I've seen her reverse mortgage statement within the past 2 years and she can pay it off now for under $300K, but she would have to sell. If she sells in our "up market" she will get around $500K. That will give her around $200K in cash.
God forgive me but walk away -cut off all contact.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to Jennycap

"My husband wants to cut the connection as they clearly were going to continue to use him for his services and avoid the truth as long as possible."

So what's the advice you need from this forum? Cut the connection, as your H wants.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to CTTN55

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