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My husbands mother just moved in. She's mentally great however she's diabetic, sever arthritis and high BP. This woman( who's now on POA and bank accounts) could care less about her health and has my mother in law on an allowance. She claims it's because we want to steal her money. I don't want her money I just want her to pay her expenses, which she can and slightly does. My husband feels hurt, feels they are sneaky ( they are) and now want his mother out of our home. If this happens she will just pass away from mixing her medication up, not eating right, not cleaning herself or cleaning her home. Please help. I don't know how to defuse/ help/ support both of them. Update. My husband had her sign a new POA and proxy. But she won't go to the bank. Also, we heard my mother in law on the phone with the other woman telling her how she signed a new PIA and proxy. Then she mentioned something about " well nobody knows about the thing we have going on. That's our secret". Any ideas what this could be? I think it's a trust but not sure.

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We really do need to know the timelines, here - what happened when and why?

Say MIL was living independently, just fine, and the OP and husband for good reasons didn't see her from one moon to the next; but then there was some kind of minor crisis that MIL "didn't want to bother" them with, 3rd cousin's widow was called on and was unimpressed by the absence of OP's husband. If that sort of thing had happened, there would be nothing sinister about the change of POA; just a pity the various parties weren't communicating better.

But don't be irked by what's already happened - focus on getting things sorted out now so that you can move forward constructively. Talk to this distant relative woman yourself, keep an open mind, thank her for her input to date (assuming it's appropriate to) and get the facts straight. What you can't have is elderly flaky MIL indulging in Chinese whispers and creating chaos - you and husband have quite enough work to do on her behalf without her playing silly buggers about her affairs.
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Dear ljg109,

I know you are only trying to help your mother in law and given her age and her condition this could be affecting her judgement. Family dynamics are so tough. I would ask Adult Protective Services or have a social worker or elder law attorney speak with her. There is a lot to coordinate so maybe a someone seen as an independent third party might be able to get through to your MIL.
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She's "mentally great" but will mix up her meds, not eat right and not clean herself?

That doesn't really sound "mentally great" to me.
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If MIL is mentally great, she can decide who her POA is, who is on her bank accounts, and where she lives.

Where do these "sneaky" people want your MIL to live? Does she want that?

If she continues to live with you she should pay for room and board and possibly care services -- up to a reasonable amount that she can afford. If MIL won't allow her son (now POA) to access her account, then she should write out a check each month to pay her expenses.

What I'd worry most about is the former POA taking all of the money out of the account. Is there much there? Would this be a major hardship?

MIL, again assuming she doesn't have dementia or other cognitive disabilities, is entitled to have secret things going on in her life. If she wants to have a trust that is a "secret" from her son, that is her right. It may not be a very good decision, but she is also entitled to make bad decisions.

Do you still want her to live with you, knowing what you know now? Make peace with her choices.
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